A Cycle of Anger

DISCLAIMER: Those suffering from Depression, Anxiety, PTSD or other such distressing conditions, please be advised that this piece deals with subject matter that may be triggering. Recounts of panic attacks and violent behaviour are mentioned. If you find this post upsetting, please let me know, and contact one of the following helplines and counselling services:

BetterHelp

BeyondBlue

Headspace

ThisWayUp

Dealing with poor mental health is complex - that much anyone with anxiety or depression can tell you. It’s not as simple as getting exercise and fresh air, or thinking positive and focusing on your breathing. Prescribed medication, while helpful at times, are not the cure, but a means to treat the symptoms, and to have your doctor suggest medication as an option is scary for those who believe their condition is mild, or not as serious as others they know.

You are given coping mechanisms, or find some of your own that work. Sometimes your illness evolves into something else, and you need to make that climb all over again.

That’s what happened to me.

My first panic attack threw me into this world of anxiety I didn’t know I was a part of. It happened while working during lunch rush at a restaurant. For what felt like two hours I locked myself in the bathroom in the middle of the shift to quiet the noise that was scrambling my head. I needed a cold floor to remind me that there was one underneath me at all, I hugged myself tightly to make sure I wasn’t being pulled apart. Even when I thought it was done, and the manager allowed me to go home, I ended up fainting out in the street. It was the most terrifying thing I had ever experienced.

From this I decided to nip it in the bud and get help. I was diagnosed with a temporary psychosis with auditory hallucinations that lasted a couple of months. During a few weeks of seeing counsellors and one very eccentric and lovely doctor, I was given coping strategies and suggestions on where the source and solution was for my triggers. It worked for a time.

Events over the years since have contributed and changed the triggers that pull me back into that dark hole of doubt and fear. What was once tears, shaking, and retreating into a ball on the floor, turned to harsh, abusive words and even violent actions. These actions were fuelled by impulsive emotion. My behavioural problems did a total one-eighty, and they scared me all the same, if not more. I was on the offensive again. I went to a doctor and asked what my options were, if there was another counsellor that she could recommend me. She asked if I had given thought to taking medication to help.

The last thing I want to do is hurt someone and blame it on some pre-existing condition I thought I had learnt to keep under control. Some of the coping mechanisms I used no longer worked, or they were difficult to put back into practice. What’s more, this resurgence made no sense to me; I was in a point in my life that I was pretty comfortable with. I was doing well in school, pursuing a field that I loved, I had a supportive circle of friends, like-minded writing comrades, a fulfilling spiritual outlet and a partner that made me feel confident and beautiful even on my worst days. Yet even all those things that made my life feel comfortable and safe, this anxiety pointed out imaginary cracks in the picture, and did its darnedest to convince me everything else was a lie.

I have grown and encouraged myself to be strong and not listen to this false whispers, but even they can get louder; loud enough for me to forget where I am in the world. One thing these demons of mine always forget is that I am adaptable, but sometimes rolling with the punches is not enough.

Sometimes we need to swim against the current and confront the source of our personal chaos. It’s through the understanding of ourselves, and our history, especially the history you share with others that can help us discover where the real cracks are and where the healing and forgiveness needs to go.

Truth is, and this is something I’ve known for years; anger is a go-to for plenty of people in my life. I have witnessed it from all corners growing up, in meeting others who were similar to this archetype I was used to, and now and then, I see it in myself. It’s a cycle that I’m a part of, and I’ll fight tooth and nail to stop this wheel from trampling what’s left of me, what’s left of what I love, and roll it on back to where it came from so it stays there. It’s the least I can do, not just for my sake, but the sake of all of those closest to me who have been in enough pain from this way of life. Now’s as good a time as any to free everyone from it.

This mindset is the one that helps me for now. I don’t know if, or even when that will change, but all I can do is my part.

Because even though our mental illness can evolve.

So can we.

-M