Front Porch Smoke Sessions

Our latest smoke sessions have started requiring blankets. The leaves are starting to fall, and it's no longer 80 degrees midday. What we're most excited about is the fact that the mosquitoes have finally returned to Hell, where they belong. Our friend, Brittany hasn't been with us to smoke this week, but we've all definitely been keeping in touch.

Our latest shit has been pretty funny, and pretty petty. So, long story short, I went on a date with a guy a few months ago. We saw The Meg, he paid, and all in all it was decent. I'm just an awkward person so things that happen, like dating, are not for me. I kept whispering shit to him, commenting on the movie as we were watching it, and I shit you not, he cuts me off by kissing me, lightly wrapping his hand around my throat. First off, woah ho ho buddy. You prevented me from watching an important scene in the movie, secondly, WHAT. THE. FUCK. So after all that, the second date he wanted to be at his house, watching movies and cuddling. Look, it sounds normal right? Well, I met this guy on Tinder, my gut was screaming at me, telling me he wants to get laid—and honestly, after that first date and me being set on my own preferences with dating, I didn't want to do that shit. I ignored him and moved on, and so did he.

My sister, Natalie, rebooted her Tinder and decided to find some dick. She has a knack for military men and what not. Of course, her and Brittany were looking through the Tinder, deciding on who looked good. I wasn't paying any mind, considering I've developed this low-key hatred for men. Well, Natalie met up with a guy she matched with, went on a date, and when she finally came home, we were all three on the front porch smoking. Her date, who she liked, called her whilst we're stoned, discovers through Facebook that he took me on a date before, and realized we are sisters. Yep, that's right, we both went on a date with the same guy.

Fast forward to after Natalie had already been to his house a couple times, she's told us she has him in her phone, listed as 'Pain in my ass.' We've already talked about how awkward this situation was with this guy, but I assured her I was okay with it. Dating in itself is a process of trial and error. Not everyone we date is gonna be the right one. That'd be boring and stupid, really. So, some days later, Natalie decided to end things with this guy. Then, one night we were headed to Food Lion for some munchies when I got a notification on Snapchat that this guy had added me. What the fuck. So, already stoned outta my mind, I humor myself and messaged him. This is how the conversation mostly went:

Him: Hey

Me: You do know who this is, right?

Him: Yea

Me: Okay. So?

Him: So what?

Me: Why'd you add me?

Him: You added me.

(I forgot, when I made my new snapchat, I was still talking to him, added him and forgot to even tell him, I also forgot myself. What a dumbass.)

Me: Oh, yeah, that was a whiiile ago.

Him: Well I've been busy.

Me: No shit?

(At this point I thought he was talking about all this stuff he went through with my sister and I. LOL. I was right and wrong.)

Him: Well yeah these past 2 weeks have been a pain in my ass.

Me: Funny, that's what my sister has you listed as in her phone.

Him: Is this [friend's name I don't remember]?

Him: I'm guessing it isn't

Me: No, this is Sophie.

Him: Who?

(Motherfucking j e s u s c h r i s t, really ass-wipe?)

Me: (Sighing internally) Natalie's sister?

Him: Oh

Me: Ouchies for not remembering my name.

Him: Well I've been trying to forget about these past two weeks.

So this guy is gonna choke and kiss me during a damn movie, find out the chick he dated after me is my sister, and NOT remember my name? LOL. My sister also let me know that he'd also called her muffin, and literally had said to her, "Aw... Muffin." So, she told me to say the same thing.

Me: Aw...Muffin..

After I told Natalie about this conversation and she chimed in on what to say, we laughed our asses off, and since then, I'm pretty sure he's blocked me. I guess from this experience, we've learned that our pettiness and humor is heightened when we smoke.

We also discovered that watching the Youtuber, Brandi TV, is perfect while stoned. She does mostly costume makeup after getting stoned beyond belief, and I recommend it 100%.

Speaking of videos, there's something about birds, parakeets and cockatiels mostly that is fucking hilarious to watch. The videos where they curse definitely gets us going.

Until the next chapter, remember, cursing birds are hilarious, and never date sisters. They will fuck you up.