Slipping

Slipping, I'm angry at myself Because I caught myself slipping. By the time I was out of the impulsiveness And into a more aware state of mind About my choices and behaviors I had already slipped into a pattern I thought long dead and gone. I can hear the devil laughing with joy As I sit here and shrivel into my shame. I try and find the reason why I suddenly lost all control, but really I need not look far. At least, that is if I'm willing to be real with myself. But being honest with myself is hard When the reality contradicts the desires and hopes of my heart. It takes courage to really see And accept the truth for what it is… Ugly, Uncomfortable, Unstable. That's why more times than not, I fall into the comfort of my minds made up moments And all the skewed ways my head chooses to turn fantasy into something real. It's easier that way, right? Until the false mirror breaks And your just left with shattered pieces of what never actually was. Romancing people, places, and things To give me a false sense of comfort Always remembering just a little too late, That I always set my expectations And the bar far to high For any normal human being To be able to reach. Putting you on the grandest pedestal So I always inadvertently allow myself to end up disappointed and feeling unsatisfied, Time and time again. Then after, I feel justified in ignoring my own unhealed traumas, baggage, and core issues. And instead, turning the tables and saying “You are the problem.” I know in those situations It's me that's the problem. But why can I never remember it When I need to the most?