Seeker

I've sought approval

that I've never found.

Wasted so much time,

digging my heels in the ground.

Sure that if only I had validation,

with ease I'd fly on that praise, admiration.

If only, I'd think,

this all would be better.

Open and honest,

your pain left unfettered.

If only you'd've told me

I was worthwhile

even without clawing

that long extra mile.

That I don't have to

win gold or prizes of kings.

That I don't need rubies

or unbreakable rings.

That I, as I am, am exactly enough.

But your insides like your out,

wind broken and rough.

When my heart broke

from you or the rest,

where were you

as I ached in my chest?

When it burned and scalded

as I fought for my breath?

Hoping for that good word,

but always left wanting.

Thinking of that pain now,

overwhelming and daunting.

To think of little me,

alone in her room.

The quiet and dark,

rivaling a tomb.

Don't be too loud.

Don't be too big.

There's too much going on

for you to stand out.

Stay the course, little Mare,

as you steer the ship south.

...

Now to be grown and judged

by my own choices and wins.

Not by those of before me,

on their faults and their sins.

To see myself now and think,

"Hey, look at you go,"

can mean the whole world

as I grow up and glow.

I like this tattoo kissing my skin--

its blooms a reminder of

the places I've been.

The versions I've been,

who I am,

who I was.

Never too old to call it quits.

Leave those doubts behind,

that I'm a blunder or blip.

I know that heartbreak

guided your ways,

but I have given you grace after grace.

I needed something that I never got.

I sought

and

I sought

and

I sought.

...

But I never found it,

and now I will seek no more.