Santa's Christmas Lifts
St Nick's Christmas Shopping
**********************************************************************It's a little early considering we are just getting around to buying our Thanksgiving turkeys (here in the USA anyway)... But, I thought I'd get the ball rolling with some Christmas hilarity. Hope you enjoy **********************************************************************
All decked out in my Santa clothes
Furry red hat and thick underhose
One day till Christmas and I had no gifts
Time to go do some Christmas lifts
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Climbed through the window, went for the tree
Pretty wrapped presents, what a sight to see
Opened my bag and commenced to stuff
First went the cat then the powder puff
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Nimbly I climbed out a window on the side
When policeman’s puppy took a nip of my hide
Fido bit through the furry red suit
Then that policeman applied his boot
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Sack went flying, presents for my lad
Policeman said, "Santa you been bad"
Showed him my belt and my floppy red hat
Big bag of presents and the kitty cat
He scratched his head and said "Imagine that"
"Since when does Santa have a kitty cat?"
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"Well I found the poor thing stuck in a hole"
"Was gonna take her back, to the North Pole"
"Sled’s in the shop, it couldn’t fly"
"Upset reindeer on strike in their sty"
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He said "You’re not fat and where’s your beard?"
"This whole thing seems a little bit weird"
I patted my stomach, "Been working out"
"Doc said diet or you’re gonna have gout"
"The beard was a ticklin’ my little wife"
"Mrs. threatened to shave me with a butcher knife"
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He said "Climbing through windows what’s the deal?"
I said "Do you see a chimney? Come on get real"
He called off the puppy and said "Okay"
I gathered up presents to be on my way
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Just when I was stuffing ‘em back in my sack
A little bit of light shone from a crack
Front door opened and grandma came out
Still in her nighty she gave me a clout
Upside the head with a rolling pin
Fido growled and she hit me again
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I looked at grandma and said "Ho, ho ho?"
She waggled her finger and said "Oh Hell No!"
"He’s no Santa, he’s just a crook"
"This here’s my stuff he done took!"
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Policeman nabbed me - fish on a hook
Down to the station - he threw me the book
Head was a’bandaged, laying on a cot
Leg still throbbin’ I had me a thought
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Gonna grow a beard and gain me some weight
And next year if my shopping waits too late
First thing I’ll jack is a reindeer and sled
Stick on Rudolph a bulb of bright red
But this year Mama’s gonna have lots to say
After I see the judge on Christmas day
About the Creator
Andrew C McDonald
Andrew McDonald is a 911 dispatcher of 30 yrs with a B.S. in Math (1985). He served as an Army officer 1985 to 1992, honorably exiting a captain.
https://www.amazon.com/Killing-Keys-Andrew-C-McDonald-ebook/dp/B07VM843XL?ref_=ast_author_dp
Comments (1)
Hahahahahahhahahahahahaha this was so hilarious! And the pictures! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 Thank you so much for this! I laughed so much!