Insecure

A huge hole has been blasted in me since birth

Scared to talk

Scared to think

Every attempt at love has resulted in

Soul crushing

Spirit shattering

Unimaginable pain

That makes anything resembling altruism

Seem terrifying

So here you come

With your mesmerizing eyes

And hands uncalloused by time

With the gentlest touch I've ever felt

Barging into my traumatized ivory tower

Interrupting my circle of self-pity

Destroying every preconceived notion that I have

Boy

You are exhausting

And when you're here

Things are bright

And shiny

And I'm floating 10 times higher than my body

Experiencing pure ecstasy without the pill

Because I have sobriety of 4 years

But when you leave

That hole that I've been sewing closed

And filling up

With the sweet nothings you whisper in my ear

While you're holding me tight in your arms

The safest place in the world to me

Is ripped open like Wolverines bed sheets

And all the contents are spilled out

And I go from being filled with love

To being stuffed with self doubt

I can't control this

And it never stops

On a constant loop

And then I get so mad at you

For making me feel

For breaking me out of my comfortable numbness

Because when you are with me

I question if I'm good enough

And when you're not

Those questions become facts

And I know I"m not enough

For anyone

But especially you

And it hurts

That I can't stop this cycle

And now we're at the stage

Where I'd cut my heart out not to feel anything

Or jump off a bridge

Or actually take my prescribed medication to shut everything out

I need to end this cycle

But what do I do

When the cause and cure

Is you