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I've never fit.

Confessional free-verse

By Aathavi ThangesPublished 11 days ago Updated 11 days ago 2 min read
Top Story - November 2023

"A woman like that is not ashamed to die.

I have been her kind."

- Anne Sexton, Her Kind

I’ve never fit.

I’ve never fit into any of this.

How badly I want to call this home.

How badly I want to live and prosper in the dysfunction.

How badly I want to fit.

I don’t fit.

Whether it’s a pair of jeans or my sense of belonging, there lacks an acceptance of me that I struggle to comprehend. I try my best, I think. It depends on where my mind is floating, though: it runs in loops and squiggles, and turns and flips, and changes at any given moment, during any time of the day.

The weeks keep blurring, and a shadow starts growing behind me. When I look at it, it disappears, and when I look ahead, I feel it again. It runs in loops and circles, and it taunts me as if I deserve to feel hidden.

I am stuck in the hidden.

Here, I am insecure. I’m alone and afraid, and unsure of the moment I’m living in. I look to others, but I see nobody. My shadow lurks and desires to feel like somebody. I continue looking to others for some sense of belonging, but I grow smaller every day.

I feel smaller, I look smaller; therefore, I am smaller. The shadow lurks and reminds me, and I try my best to run but inevitably, it consumes me.

I’ve lost hope.

I’m small. I’m unheard, and freedom has felt miles away ever since I learned the word. And in my words, I am free. I put pen to paper and ink the feelings I bleed. Assuredly, I hate every word that forms; around, they resonate with what I’ve told.

But shadows lurk, I’m still afraid. Stuck in the uncertain, so I hate.

You know when you know, and that saying has followed me everywhere.

I know I shouldn’t be alive, I know.

And though I look to others, I know.

slam poetrysad poetryCONTENT WARNING

About the Creator

Aathavi Thanges

Disposing my thoughts one page at a time

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Comments (14)

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  • Jollyoddbod Poetry8 days ago

    This piece has been so masterfully crafted Aathavi. As my mind processed the depth of your words, I felt a stirring in my soul. Brilliant writing!

  • The Dani Writer9 days ago

    As a reader, I felt no separation between the words and my experience of this. I'm sure part of that is because this is a topic I relate to so well, but the rest is overwhelmingly your gift of expression in such a way that it is easy to enter and experience. This poem will live on indefinitely in memory as will your unique talent. You honour the world with your raw and honest sharing. Bless you, Sweet Soul!

  • Kendall Defoe 10 days ago

    Serious deja vu with this one. I thank you!

  • Caroline Jane10 days ago

    Beautiful words. You sound wonderfully self aware. I admire that. ❤️

  • Salman siddique10 days ago

    it is something beyond imagination

  • Margaret Brennan10 days ago

    congratulations on TS. this was brilliantly done.

  • Lamar Wiggins10 days ago

    I think I need to share this with a couple of friends. It’s very relatable. Thank you for crafting and sharing with us. Hope as is well! 💖

  • Naveed10 days ago

    Amazing job! Keep up the outstanding work—congrats!

  • Mr Ahsan10 days ago

    After reading I sad. I really love you. Congratulations on top story

  • Rabiul islam10 days ago

    We reside in comparable obscurities, Aathavi. Although I cannot assert to comprehend or grasp the specifics of your circumstances, the feeling of being adrift, unnoticed, and unvalued is a constant companion in my life. I sincerely hope that you discover solace in being acknowledged, seen, and cherished - that you uncover your purpose in this realm and realize the joy of being a source of blessings.

  • lilirooz10 days ago

    This is me in the middle of presenting the campaign in front of the managers https://ko-fi.com/post/How-to-Build-a-Personal-Brand-as-a-Marketing-Manag-E1E1MAI0H :))))

  • There's a line in the Bob Dylan song "Joey" that describes me to a tee , "Always on the outside, of whatever side there was" , looks like we are similar. Great story and poem

  • Gosh this hit me so hard because it was extremely relatable. Sending you lots of love and hugs! ❤️

  • We live in similar shadows, Aathavi. And while I cannot claim to know or understand the particulars of your situation, that sense of being lost, unseen, unwanted is something I live with every day. I pray that you find yourself heard & seen & wanted--that you find your place in this world & that you find yourself blessed to be a blessing.

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