I am enough

I am right here. Please pay attention to me and stop looking at your phone.

A mass of snowy warmth is curled up on my laps, humming to the lethargic strokes of my palm. My body stretched half on the sofa and half on the coffee table, my eyes lazy on the small screen.

I just want you to be present with me, is that too much to ask?

There is another mass near me, stuck in the corner closest to me. My right nostril catches the sweetness of their scent, that sugar cookie smell I wake up to each and every morning. I hear the cling of another furry, yearning for belly rubs.

Why do you feel so distant?

My ears are buzzing. The silence is smothering both of our masses and we can’t escape it.

So cold?

I can’t speak my truth to the person I am committed to. To the person I am so eager to call my wife. I am frozen. Dark ice pouring out of the pores of my skin. Our bodies are sinking, drowning in my frigid aura. I am afraid.

I understand you are having a hard time, but please look around. There is “good” everywhere. Take your black-colored glasses off, I beg you.

I have seen love. I have seen compassion. I have seen rallies of support and kindness and sympathy and tolerance and care. Oceans of humanity. I have felt and given love. I have felt and given compassion. I have felt and given support and kindness and sympathy and tolerance and care. And yet–I can never be enough, I can never do enough. I can never be compassionate enough, I can never be loving enough. I can never be good enough.

Why is it so hard to communicate with you? Why do I have to keep pulling sentences out of you?

My mind is overflowing, bursting at the seams with all of the words I have not vocalized. All of the words I want to shout but my voice has lost its way. Each word is intertwined with the next, a tangled mess trapped within my throat. I can’t take it anymore!

I’m sorry, I didn’t think we’d be this long. We were chatting and I didn’t see time pass.

My insides are churning. The chances of them being caught in an accident, of them being kidnapped or assaulted or murdered, are so damn slim. But what if, what IF something bad happens to them and I am left with all of those unspoken words?

I just need a text babe,

just a text.

Please.

What’s the point?

My guts are screaming–no I don’t have to poop. I need to let all of it out. I need to share my soul with the person I keep choosing. How can I say I keep choosing them if I cave into staying silent?

I am done. So done.

I am so done with being suffocated by darkness.

Let love fill up my heart, let me see light.

Let me be seen.

I am enough.