Hey Dad, I was Wondering

Hey Dad

I was wondering…

When was the first time you realized

I wasn’t the son you wanted?

Was it when I was born,

While you were a child still yourself?

Did you resent having a child so young?

Maybe it was when I was little,

And closer to mom than you.

Her life was us kids.

Was it because Mom didn’t have enough time in the day

To tend to your every rule and want?

Was it because you wanted freedom?

From responsibility.

From providing for our needs.

From being bogged down with a family

That you created.

Maybe it was because of the time

My nine year old self was mad after a beating

And wrote “I hate dad” on a paper bag

And left it on top of the trash so you’d see it.

Could it have been that time you took me to work with you

And I needed to hold your hand

In the big city with so many people

Walking by. You swatted my hand away

And your hand was all I needed

To feel safe.

Maybe it was when you realized

I wasn’t naturally athletic.

I tried soccer one year, to make you happy

And you embarrassed me at the games

Yelling from the sidelines

Then reminding me on the way home how much I sucked at sports.

It could have been that my grades weren’t perfect.

Or maybe because I was so sick when I was a kid.

Maybe it was because I wasn’t as drawn to fishing and hunting

Like you were

Like my younger brother was.

I enjoyed those things.

You ruined those times for me

With your criticism because

I wasn’t as good as you were

Or I didn’t do it your way.

We weren’t close when I was a teen,

When I needed a father most.

I know you were disappointed

And didn’t approve of me marrying

And having a child

When I was still a child myself,

Just like you did.

Was it because my jobs

Always involved working with people

And not working with my hands like you?

The truth is you criticized

You berated.

You stopped talking to me,

When I did or said something you didn’t approve of.

I learned to live

Without your approval

Without your advice and guidance.

Sometimes without you.

And then you died

And I would never know

When was the first time

You realized

I wasn’t the son you wanted.

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