For Mémère: You Are Irreplaceable

You were the one person who never abandoned me.

No matter how much our opinions differed,

I never doubted that you loved me.

.

You were always my safe harbor

My calm in the storm.

There wasn’t anything that we couldn’t get through together,

But at some point, I took that for granted

And now there’s no going back.

.

I don’t know if you can hear me.

I don’t know if you can feel my remorse

As I’m drowning in this regret.

It seems we had the cruelest form of parting

One I never would’ve guessed.

.

No resolution and they denied you your goodbyes.

A cruel twist of fate brought devastation,

While offering you a brief reprieve.

.

You returned to your native tongue

Of which I cannot speak.

Our dialogue was stilted as neither could decipher the other’s speech.

.

Your nurses said you called for me,

All through the night.

Your heart longed for home,

Yet we could only take comfort in the presence of one another.

.

You held on and grasped my hands so tight.

Confusion clouded your sight

Baffled as to why I couldn’t find a way to communicate right.

.

I wished with every fiber

That you’d regain your memories

I would give anything for one last conversation with you.

Instead, they slowly drained you

Until your body betrayed your spirit.

.

I reluctantly left your side.

Promising to return straight away.

One brief appointment and I’d be back before you know

But Dad said I needed to give you permission

As it was your time to go.

.

Exiting the building, I looked back over my shoulder,

Hoping you’d be able to hang on.

But by the time the hour was up

You were already gone.

.

On that final morning, you couldn’t speak a word.

Yet you knew that I was there as you hung on to my hand

And I tearfully poured my heart out at your bedside

Just hoping that somehow you’d understand.

.

It was one goodbye that nothing could’ve prepared me for

And one that hurts me still.

I love you with all that I am

And I most assuredly always will.

. . .

This poem was inspired by my grandmother, but it’s also dedicated to those who’ve been taken by the fog of Alzheimer’s or dementia. In Mémère’s case, she had dementia that came on rather suddenly. She was in good health and then she wasn’t. I was busy with life and my own struggles and regrettably didn’t get to see her very much during those last few months of her life. I took her presence for granted and will regret that forever.

In her final weeks she reverted back to her first language, French (French Canadian, really, and my French book didn’t help all that much!), and so our communication became rather difficult as I, unfortunately, knew only the bare minimum of words and phrases.

She was basically a second mother to me and one of my very best friends. Even throughout my teens, we’d always been close and I shared everything with her. So, in the end, when we had such a difficult time communicating with one another… it was like losing her before her actual passing. We’d sit for hours trying to discern what the other was saying, and laughing through the frustration of trying to carry on a conversation in such a way.

. . .

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This poem was originally published on Medium: