Dissociate is what I do

Dissociation is what I've become well acquainted with. The deep thoughts hit me like I got run over by a big wave in the ocean. My body feels numb,not there and my thoughts just ponder off as a dissolving bubble. Rosh hashanah (Jewish new year) just ended and I’m like a brick stone wall. I dont move,twitch or budge. The sounds of the shofar(Jewish bull horn) didnt wake me up I feel as if maybe this religion has just maybe fucked me up.

Are you out there god? Can't you see that I'm struggling? I really don't want to sit there in the corner of a shul and pray till I can't go any more… walking to shul (Jewish synagogue) on rosh hashana I feel nothing but fear… okay so the sounds of the shofar should wake me up i think…still nothing so i carry on with my day…

Like a broken,hurt girl I sit in the corner of my cave and watch the stars oh so beautiful and free here is where I feel serenity. Careless and free I sit as if there's nothing hovering over me like a witch. Here I feel as if I can breathe the cold air and alleviate all the pain I had within me.

Religion is choking me like I'm trapped in a bag and can't breathe. All the noises and sounds of people saying you're going to die,you're going to heaven or hell this year just gets to me like I've been struck with lighting. Why can't I just be? Be free like a butterfly that just grew wings? Why can't I be let out of this bag,out of this jar out of this religion? Why am I fearful of this life? Why do I feel like I'm going to be slaughtered with a knife? Why do I feel like I have nothing left? Please just let me be and accept me for what I want to be….