Dear Cottage Cheese… I hate you.
Dedicated to Paul and Donna.
Dear (well, I wouldn't even go that far) Cottage Cheese,
You are a disgrace to your name.
I love cottages and cheese,
but somehow BOTH you’ve managed to completely defame.
Cottages are cozy,
comforting and cute–
but all you do is sour our guts
and make my kids toot.
Cheese is an absolute treat– especially swiss, parm,
mozzarella, brie, and my fave cheese, sharp cheddar.
But you truly suck at your job–
you taste like curdled ocean water, and don't make anything taste better.
Your curds are gross mush,
a complete textural nightmare.
The rest of you just didn't have the motivation to be solid?
What a lazy excuse for cheese, it's like you don't even care.
Sure you’re chalk full of protein
and touted as a healthy thing to eat,
but I can't stomach your existence,
I’d rather eat my own feet!
Somehow you show up everywhere- at salad bars (yuck)
and as a side on the menu (who orders you over french fries!?!?!?)
with nuts, berries, crackers,
or straight up…just EWWW!!!!
If I could kick you off the planet, I would–
I wouldn't for a moment hesitate.
I’d package every last sloppy bit
and send you off to outer space.
Although, aliens shouldn't have to deal with
such foul, gross, and lame food–
so instead, I’d send you to the core of the earth
where you belong…yes, only the underworld deserves the likes of you.
Although, I doubt Hades would even put you on the menu.
If you show your vile face we’ll have issues,
so you better hope I don’t see you later.
Not So Sincerely,
Your Biggest Hater
……………………..
This was written in response to a writing prompt by Paul Stewart and Donna Renee: Write a poem, letter, story, ect. about a food or beverage you strongly dislike.
If you join in the fun put the link to yours in my comments and I’ll add it to my piece!
Check out more from this stomach turning challenge:
This is a nice little rebuttal I got from Paul *cough* I mean, Mr. Cottage C. Heese…
About the Creator
Kristen Balyeat
Words fly to me on the wind, bump into me as I'm strolling the city, splash me in the face while I rest by the river, and shake me awake in the middle of the night– I’m humbly one of the many vessels they use to come to life.
Reader insights
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Arguments were carefully researched and presented
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On-point and relevant
Writing reflected the title & theme
Compelling and original writing
Creative use of language & vocab
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Zero grammar & spelling mistakes
Easy to read and follow
Well-structured & engaging content
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More stories from Kristen Balyeat and writers in Poets and other communities.
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Comments (43)
👏☺️ I loved this! So true. One I actually agree with too Kristen! Very amusing and your opening line made me scoff! You just could NOT wait to get stuck in! 🤣
Well, it's a fun poem, but I'm still on Team Cottage Cheese. I LIKE squishy food... Do you know what I don't like? https://vocal.media/poets/a-disgraceful-place-for-a-pineapple
Dear cottage cheese . . just EWWW!!!! I'm having a giggle.🤭
Ha! I love this one! Also firmly in the ‘I hate cottage cheese’ camp. I’ve never been so let down by a cheese in my life! Great top story!
Funny poem! I don't feel as strong as you about it, but that texture is wack! I'll eat it on occasion though. Cottage cheese is having a moment right now. People are blending it smooth and baking it into bread and even cheesecake. I am intrigued, but not enough to do all that work. haha
Thats true 😀 lol
I used to like cottage cheese as a kid, and let's be honest it has a better texture consistency than mashed potatoes, but as I've grown up it's come to make me slightly nauseous. It's a shame, because it was a cute go to little snack. Still, I get Your gripes. When You want to eat dairy You don't want to wreck Your internal pipes. The one cheese that You really can't shred through a grater, now has another disenjoyer, a hater. Besides, very careful about eating Your own feet, some might think it might be Your kink, or to worsen Your woes there might be cheese between Your toes. Off course Hades couldn't serve it on the menu. Hell hasn't frozen over yet, so it's not served to the venu. Besides, it would be a disgrace, if aliens perish due to our cultured bacteria because we launched cottage cheese into outer space.
Yessssss!! Congrats on the Top Story! 😁😁😁
Definitely quite accurate to how I feel, lol
Oh this is PRECIOUS!!! I concur with so much of what was said. I never touched the stuff. Totally missed this prompt but looks inviting. Hmmmm.... Well-deserved Top Story and an enjoyable read!
Fun & entertaining!!! Love this!!! Congratulations on Top Story!!!♥️♥️💕
I don't see how anyone can eat cottage cheese. This poem truly nails it; it's a disgrace to both halves of the name!!! The only time I smile when I hear "cottage cheese" is when I think of Bart Simpson mispronouncing it (Cotta-hay cheese) LOL! Congrats on Top Story!
What an emotional tug-of-war. Cottage Cheese seems like an overcooked noddle...🤔🤔🤣🤣, but such fonds memories of my Mom, who luved the stuff! 😥🥰😁👍
Oh my gosh, I hate cottage cheese!! This was hilarious!! Love it!!
So clever, fun & well done! Great job!
Oh damn, you went hard on this one, Kristen and look what you've done! congrats on another fine Top Story, pal!
I can't believe I hadn't read this one yet. It's such a fun read I won't even whine about the fact that you've picked on another food I actually enjoy. (Or will I?) Gotta' be large curd, with salt and pepper, though, and no fruit - a guy's gotta' have standards! Great job, Kristen and congratulations!
Congrats, Kristen! 🥂
Congratulations on your Top Story💯📝🎉🎉
Yay! A win for the Anti’s ! 🤣🥇🥇
I love cottage cheese, but congratulations on your Top Story
Congratulations!!
Hahaha. Congratulations
Haha. This is great. Congrats on the TS.
Ahhh this is so good! Your rhyming is superb, and the pure disgust is so evident. I completely love this! Congrats on TS!