Cloven
A multi-part, multi-form poem of a mother's literal and figurative swelling and contracting; on the pain of disillusionment.
Bones warmed, Summer’s heat
Head swimming, too sick to eat
Inhale, exhale. Pray.
***
A mathematical symbol
That most adults would recognize.
Two tiny lines, in parallel.
To its meaning, Woman's wise.
Cinder block upon my chest.
Panic, terror… even shame.
A part of me forever stricken
By a babe without a name.
***
Autumn’s love of change
Colorful, energizing
Eyes on tomorrow.
***
All things shifting,
So many unknowns.
My belly gets rounder.
The child within grows.
A few new beginnings;
A few endings too.
Not just me anymore;
Now me and you.
***
Bitter Winter sets
Mothers settle in and wait
Hope and love grow fast
***
One mathematical symbol
Tilts my world on its side.
The place I had been going
In irrelevance, died.
***
Buh dum, buh-duh dum
Hello there, Sweet Perfection
Kissed by coming Spring
***
Made from my womb.
Suckled at my breast.
Cradled in my arms.
Held safe against my chest.
Life’s ideal, my new dream.
All else a blur, but never you.
Love still growing, ever swelling.
My awe of you, forever new.
You were born, and my soul cleaved.
Stretched taut between us like a violin string.
A bond I knew could never be broken.
A living, breathing, magnificent thing.
***
Days and years pass.
Moment by moment, a boy you become.
Something changes gradually.
It’s in my soul-string’s thrum.
In sleep, I find you playing.
Laughter like a trickling brook.
Beckoning me to “Come.”
“Come have a closer look.”
Excited breaths and pitter patter steps.
I chase you down the rabbit hole.
Searching, reaching, grasping.
Running down the sound of my soul.
Marshmallow cheeks, soft and flushed.
Curly top and perfect, cherry lips.
A golden yellow flower
Clutched between your tiny fingertips.
I kneel on the ground before you,
Eyes wide, I drink you in.
My heart hits its bursting point.
As you say: “Yook, Mawey. Dan-dee-yi-den.”
I bury my nose in your hair,
Whisper “Mommy loves you.” Squeeze you tight.
I try to memorize your skin, your smell.
Pray that time might freeze so you might…
***
But then, I wake.
Not much left of me that's whole.
Clinging, Cleaving, Cloven.
Bleeding out from the dangling cord of my soul.
Shriveled, eroded.
More relic than living being.
A husk where a heart used to beat.
A memory now, and here’s the thing:
I cleaved to you, never realizing
All along, through all the years,
You were struggling upward, fighting,
While I fed you on my doubts and fears.
***
Time, the thieving bitch.
Yeah, I know her all too well.
So many days I’ve wasted
Baking in my self-made hell.
Praying for sundown and
The silence and forgetfulness of sleep.
Solitude, oblivion, and peace
To loosen all the unwhole things I’ve reaped.
Each night a chance to reset
And wake up a healthier, happier me.
Maybe I could learn to be a better mom
Help you grow, set you free.
***
A tug-of-war between my soul and You
Clinging, cleaving
Cleaving, clinging
We tugged and tugged
Until it snapped
You were free
I was mangled
You were free
I was lost
You were free
I was what was left, not me
I woke up cloven.
Thank God you were free.
***
A new sun rises
The same day begun again
Now ten years too late
About the Creator
Killian
Words... Trees... People... Life
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Comments (6)
Wow... I have chills. This poem is quite the spell. Thank you for sharing such an open and authentic part of the human experience of Motherhood... <333 Sending lots of Love & Healing your way.
Fully rendered, painful and poignant. Moved me to tears the twice I’ve read, then re-read it.
I felt the pain.
Oh wow. Incredible. My heart!
Absolutely amazing
im crying!