Aching for Wholeness

It feels as though my soul is being torn apart,

As I bleed heavily, my pain flowing from within.

But amidst this perspective it brings,

The shifting hormones, the fading desire,

I find myself uninterested in others,

For you, my love, are my solace,

You are my everything.

And when you suffer,

It cuts me deep,

I am compelled to mend your wounds,

For I never truly understood my desires,

I still don't,

I struggle to make decisions,

I lack a vision for my own future.

But the only time I imagined myself growing old,

Was when I met your grandparents,

In that instant, I knew what I yearned for,

To be surrounded by a family of my own making,

Generations filled with love and support,

People I influenced to bring goodness into the world.

I longed to be a mother,

I rushed us,

I pushed you,

Impatience consumed me,

I craved that century home,

The echoes of children filling each room,

Our children.

But when I realized my dream was shattered,

I could no longer reside there,

I despise my all-or-nothing nature,

We have two daughters, full of life,

They still hold the potential to fulfill my dream,

But logic eludes me,

I can only see what is missing,

Not what is already here.

I am no longer the mother I was destined to be,

You all suffer from my deprivation,

You never witness the best of me,

Not even an acceptable version,

All you see is my rage,

You feel my pain,

And you stand on the other side of the door,

As I shut you out.