Zen Jem 4- Self Love, A New Perspective

I love to smile. I do it frequently. I know that research says it's almost impossible to feel depressed if you are genuinely smiling for any length of time. So it's mood medicine. I've decided to incorporate it more into my life, into my interactions. Because as the video shows- a smile is free, powerful, transformational, and one of many tools that seems unimportant but can build a longer, healthier life. But there's another side. There always is. That's the nature of life: duality.

My friend Sean Johnson once said, "People call me the sun. Then complain when I'm not shining." That actually stuck with me. In friendships and especially in relationships, we seem to focus on temporary behaviors, moods, actions- as if a person is supposed to be constant. The same, every day and all the time. Abraham Hicks said it this way, "Like the ocean, I have ebb and flow, too."

My point, don't criticize your sunny friend because today is overcast, instead enjoy the cool breeze. Don't complain when the one whose tide is always on your shore, pulls away, instead enjoy the alone time.

To expect absolute consistency is to expect the impossible. Neither nature, nor people work that way. Better to see the overall picture of someone. We can usually depend on a tree for shade. What can you usually depend on from the people in your life? Rejoice in that. And don't be angry when their leaves fall.

Love people realistically, not based on a standard no one, not even you, could meet.

But that doesn't mean get weighed down by life and obstacles and challenges. Don't drown in a changing tide.

We alternate between three states of consciousness.

1. Complete wakefulness/the conscious mind,

2. The dream state when we are asleep also called the unconscious or subconscious

3. and the preconscious- the almost sleep, meditative state

80% of our behavior is driven by our subconscious, and some ways to change negative subconscious patterning is up to 90 days of building a habit during consciousness or up to 21 days of meditating focusing on that specific issue. Thus meditation has both physical and psychological benefits, one of which can be creating more Zen in our lives. So when those hard times come to steal your smile, fight back with time spent in meditation, and learn to love yourself in both the sunny and shady times.

We're always told to love ourselves, and that's true. And we're often told to avoid dating or other romantic encounters until we do. But sometimes the universe is wiser than we are. There were times I didn't feel loving towards myself. In fact for some people- perfectionists, overachievers - separating our worth from our performance can be a huge learning curve.

In those times, I've found people were sent to me. And I learned to love myself deeper through our interactions. And some of those encounters included dating or relationships.

Also "loving yourself" is touted as a destination, as if you somehow one day arrive. For me that hasn't been true, I've loved myself as a human being, then as a black person, as a woman, as a soul/spirit. I've learned to embrace my flaws and my strengths. The way I loved myself at 15 was more flawed and incomplete than the way I love myself now. Relationships were a big part of those changes.

Sometimes others see things in us, holding up a mirror to who we are and who we can be, and we love ourselves as a result. Sometimes we see the grace we pour out for others and learn how to turn that fountain on ourselves.

So embrace love in your life whenever it comes, and realize we are all on a journey of self actualization. Smile, meditate and embrace the journey with all its ebbs and flows.

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