What is Happiness?

Right now in my life, I think I really needed this. Several weeks ago I began writing this prompt, and I was going to use this to talk about all of my current misfortunes; how lately I've been feeling trapped due to my financial and living situation. All I could think to write about at the time, was how I have depression, severe anxiety, and $22,000+ of student debt looming over my future, and how I was wondering what "happiness" was anymore. But after doing some introspection, I took this month to find myself again, even if it is just a few pieces of the puzzle. I don't think that I can confidently say that I have "found my happiness" again, but I can say that I feel a little better than I did at the beginning of writing this prompt. I had lost my happiness, my passion, and my purpose in life, but maybe that's why I was meant to find this challenge and take myself on a journey to find myself again; to do as the prompt states, "Create My Happiness". Maybe I am supposed to find my passion for my craft again in this moment. I am a fashion designer and an artist, currently living in the black hole that is my really small, Indiana town. I would like to take this opportunity to tell my story of an artist going through a slump and struggling to find my happiness again. Now don't worry, I won't drone on and on about my woes for too long. But I would like to explain my situation before I tell you about the things that once gave me so much joy, and how I am on the journey of finding my joy once again.

My hometown is no place for a fashion designer nor an artist. Although my town may have close to 15,000 citizens, you would hardly guess that, since businesses constantly die out, here. Nobody chooses to spend their money at our tiny shops, therefore it is nearly vacant upon first glance of our "uptown". It is also very difficult for me to find a job in my town that won't cause me to feel rushed and panicked. Food is the main business that thrives in this town, but it is a business that I know all too well. I've been a dishwasher, an ice cream server, and a waitress; all of which worsened my anxiety and waitressing threw me into a panic attack. Growing up here, I used to think that anything was possible, but once I rode the rollercoaster that is college; the highs and lows left me feeling lost. I had many chances to express my artistic side, but I didn't have enough time to accomplish what I wanted and I developed severe anxiety and depression. Now that I have graduated college and had to move back to my bleak hometown, I realized that I only thought I knew what the lowest lows were in my life. I now have more time to create, but my environment is so stifling that for a long time, I no longer had the motivation, nor the passion that I once had. Everyone knows the saying that you don't know what you have until it is gone, and oh how true it is! I am convinced that the only thing that can help me find my happiness is moving to Seoul, South Korea. But in order to do that, I need money.

There was a time, about seven months ago while I was working in a factory to save money, I had an epiphany. The discovery of a single music video threw me into a manic, fashion design frenzy, where I designed and planned a whole fashion show in just a few hours. Down to the tiniest detail, I was ready to be revived from my stupor and get things done. But as I realized that it always comes back to the same issues; money and small town problems like having no connections, I came down from my high. I didn't have enough money for fabrics and supplies, I didn't have enough models with the look I needed, I didn't have video cameras, I didn't even know a videographer, and lastly, I didn't have enough influence to ask to use the factory as a film set. After forcing myself to let the idea go for now, I fell from the clouds yet again, and this time I fell hard. This kind of thing has happened to me so many times now, that I wonder if I'm beginning to get used to it. I feel elated and high, and then I fall without a parachute, into the deep and disheartening depths of despair.

This is why I can't wait to move to Seoul. It is a large city that is full of opportunities and is beautifully inspiring. I would have the chance to find a job that suits me, all while building my connections and working on my craft. The possibilities seem endless, which is why I feel so sad when I step away from my imagination and look at the world around me. Due to moving back to my parent's house, I have no space for my supplies, and my daily environment is a wreck. So not only is my small hometown stressful, but so is my living space/workspace. I have so many ideas flowing through my head constantly, yet I never have the means or motivation to accomplish them. Even small projects feel like large feats when all of my supplies is piled up on my desk, on my floor, and under my bed.

Now to move on from my woes, and talk about my work and what I have been working on over this past month that has helped give me some form of light at the end of this dark tunnel. My brand is OXYGEN, and funnily enough, it is inspired by my depression and bringing awareness to mental health. Back in 2019, at the end of my fashion degree, we had to choose the name of our "brand" and design looks for the senior fashion show. It took a while for me to feel that a single name could encompass all that my brand needed to say, but eventually it clicked. My depression and anxiety felt like I couldn't breathe, especially in winter or under stressful circumstances. But whenever the stress melted away with the snow and spring came, it felt like I could breathe again. The word oxygen came to mind; we can't live without it and I felt as if it was constantly knocked out of me by my hardships. So that is how my brand was born, and how I've been able to cope. My fashion show in 2019 was based on mental health in South East Asia. In places like Japan, Korea, and China, mental health isn't taken seriously and in Japan especially, it is considered taboo to talk about it resulting in the phenomena known as "The Suicide Forest". The youths, feeling as if they were forced to be silent, decided that they wanted to wear clothes and makeup to express their sadness and pain. That was how a fashion subculture, "Yami-Kawaii" (or "sickly cute") was created. I drew inspiration from that and decided that I wanted my clothing and styling to show the pain of depression, because it is often dismissed since it is an invisible illness. Being able to express myself in that way felt extremely cathartic, so I decided to continue drawing inspiration from my pain. Since then, I have slowly been trying to build my brand and figure out where to go from such a high that was my senior fashion show.

Now fast forward to a few weeks ago, I starting making beaded jewelry and now I'm preparing for a photoshoot with one of my close friends. Although I can't yet create the perfect fashion show video, as mentioned earlier, I can at least have a simple photoshoot that will help me launch my brand. Currently, I have screen printed my brand name onto several t-shirts and tote bags and I have made two types of belts. Next, I plan on creating bucket hats and sweatpants. It doesn't sound like much since this is the beginning of my long and arduous journey, but with the help of $15,000, my whole world would change. Being able to express myself through my designs and my art is all I know, and I'm finally feeling the tiniest sparks of joy in my heart again. I still have a long way to go to find all of the pieces of my puzzle, but it is mostly thanks to this prompt for helping me to realize that I needed to push forward through the tunnel, even if I couldn't see the end.