I'm writing a book. I'm a fashion designer and an artist.
It all started in 2016. That was the year that changed everything, it was the in between period of my first and second year of college, my 19th year of life, and the year that gave me my biggest emotional scar. Since then, I've just been fumbling through my life. It's like that episode of FRIENDS where they throw a ball around for hours but won't let Chandler play because "he's a dropper", and then it shows all of the times where Chandler has dropped or broken things. Well, that's me. I'm Chandler Bing.
The Darkness That Lurks
Those eyes. I could feel them piercing through the darkness. The invisible stare felt like a pair of hands snaking out from the source. I could feel those invisible hands, they slithered over the hills and valleys of my comforter until they touched me. Those ice cold hands curled around my body as if to crush the life out of me. The fang-like fingers reached up to grip my throat and began to dig into my skin, making it hard to breathe. It was as if the abyss was personified; the anxiety alone threatened to suffocate me the longer the standstill went on. Sweat began to cover my palms and my eyes darted over to my bedside lamp. I had made up my mind that the only way to escape this dread was to illuminate the darkness. Would I be quick enough to turn on my lamp before whatever was in the dark could strike? I braced myself and turned as quickly as I could toward my lamp. Hand outstretched, it felt as if the darkness was rushing toward me- my eyes shot open as I gasped for air. I was covered in a cold sweat as I looked around my room. It was now dawn, and the room had slightly brightened. It was only a dream?
My name is Kaylee and my dream is to be happy. I am a fashion designer, an artist, and an aspiring writer and model. To be more precise, I am a struggling designer. I wish I could say that everything was going well and that my brand had finally taken off, but "struggling" is the key word here. College left me with depression, severe anxiety, health issues from stress, and a lot of student debt; $22,031 to be exact. Yeah I know, funny how the amount of debt I am in is approximately the same amount awarded to the first place winner of this prompt, which is why I feel that this is my chance.
What is Happiness?
Right now in my life, I think I really needed this. Several weeks ago I began writing this prompt, and I was going to use this to talk about all of my current misfortunes; how lately I've been feeling trapped due to my financial and living situation. All I could think to write about at the time, was how I have depression, severe anxiety, and $22,000+ of student debt looming over my future, and how I was wondering what "happiness" was anymore. But after doing some introspection, I took this month to find myself again, even if it is just a few pieces of the puzzle. I don't think that I can confidently say that I have "found my happiness" again, but I can say that I feel a little better than I did at the beginning of writing this prompt. I had lost my happiness, my passion, and my purpose in life, but maybe that's why I was meant to find this challenge and take myself on a journey to find myself again; to do as the prompt states, "Create My Happiness". Maybe I am supposed to find my passion for my craft again in this moment. I am a fashion designer and an artist, currently living in the black hole that is my really small, Indiana town. I would like to take this opportunity to tell my story of an artist going through a slump and struggling to find my happiness again. Now don't worry, I won't drone on and on about my woes for too long. But I would like to explain my situation before I tell you about the things that once gave me so much joy, and how I am on the journey of finding my joy once again.
Back during the prime of the pop punk and emo days, screamo and metal were as angsty as it could get. In the United States, bands like Paramore, Panic at the Disco, Fall Out Boy, Black Veil Brides, Blink182, Blood on the Dance Floor, and My Chemical Romance were the bread and butter of the pop punk/emo scene. And although I participated in some of the usual pop punk culture, there was something about anime that really had me hooked. When a good theme song came on, you instantly sang along, or at least enthusiastically hummed along if you didn't know any Japanese. When I was 12, I didn't really have any friends, I was kind of a loner and I think my parents had just gotten married again after being divorced for a couple of years. Not the best time of my life but not the worst either. Back during that odd time in my life, anime WAS my life. Animes like Naruto, Bleach, Fairy Tail, and Soul Eater were everything. But one anime in particular introduced me to what would be the key to my teenage angst and what would eventually lead me to my Kpop obsession at the age of 14. That anime was Black Butler.
Whatever It Takes
This photo is one of Ellie's happiest moments, it may not be well photographed, but anyone who saw this would swear that she's smiling. Ellie was a great dog, one that didn't get the life she deserved until she was ten years old. Even then, she was only able to fully enjoy her new found life for about two and a half years before her illnesses started to take over, and we eventually had to say goodbye.
The Little Black Book
The surrounding buildings blurred together as the rain slipped off of the foggy subway windows. While the train sped past, I stared out at the gloomy world, my head resting on my arm and a sigh leaving my nose. I had barely gotten any sleep lately, vivid dreams and nightmares leave me exhausted as soon as I wake, leaving small shadows under my eyes. Work was going to be fun today, I thought sarcastically. The subway car air was cold and damp from the rain-soaked passengers and my eyes wandered from face to face. Some seemed content, and others already weary so early in the morning. Mondays.