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What Are You Doing? (Pt. 4)

by Kelsey Paulina 3 years ago in happiness
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Countdown: 14 Days.

Photo by Jordan Beltran on Unsplash

It may not be obvious to you, but yes, the countdown has shifted.

It was only yesterday that I was counting down from 19 remaining days until the big life change would be in effect, but in the course of a couple of hours, I shaved a whole 96 hours off of the journey.

As of right now, I actually feel better about the whole thing since moving the official date up by roughly 20%, but who knows, maybe it hasn't truly sunk in yet that this is happening... rapidly.

Several hours later...

Interestingly enough, not long after I began composing this entry, I experienced a bit of a cognitive breakdown. I have to laugh at myself sometimes; I can be so damn good at putting my fears aside and focusing on the task at hand that I actually come to believe that I've subconsciously conquered those colossal, stringy, atramentous demons...

Yeah, that's the funny part. Oft is the case that I have not conquered anything; oft is the case that I have yet to even face my fears head on and tackle my anxieties with tangible, rational solutions. Instead, I just push the stressful things aside and focus on what I must in the moment...

Until I can't, which is exactly what happened earlier today. Whoops.

It can be quite daunting trying to accomplish so many things in a short span of time, and sadly, what has made this whole experience more difficult for me is the disproportionate amount of effort that has been put in to yielding an extremely disappointing absence of outcomes. It seems that no matter how hard I try, nothing seems to be working out for me lately. I consider myself to be a highly resilient person, but it comes to feel almost impossible to continue pushing forward when you've stretched yourself as thin as you can already and your feet appear to remain planted in the same place as when you started out. I suppose this is partly how I came to make the decisions I've been speaking so vaguely about; if you're trying your best and still not achieving results, you're left with few options: keep doing what you're doing and hope things get better with time, quit, change your angle, or keep doing what you're doing, but change your external circumstances.

Oh, and by the way, there's actually nothing wrong with any of those options as long as they suit the context of the situation you're in. However, for me, I've been persisting for months now, waiting for external circumstances to improve in my favour... I've even changed my angle to some degree and tried different approaches to the same thing. Unfortunately, quitting just isn't an option, not to mention I don't really have much to quit from at this point aside from basic human functions... Which leaves me with the final option: change my external circumstances.

You probably wouldn't think that after experiencing so much unforeseen, uncontrollable change, that the solution to the landfill of problems that I am currently asphyxiating under could actually be to "fight fire with fire," so to speak. Strangely enough, I've concluded that the way to combat this exponentially growing snowball of trash travelling at increasing speeds down the side of a mountain towards the little hamlet that is my LIFE might actually be to shoot myself out of a cannonball towards the peak of a different mountain and create my OWN barreling sphere of trash.

In case that wasn't clear, I'm fighting involuntary life change with voluntary life change, effectively creating absolute chaos for myself.

But you know what?

At least I'm not just picking away at the same problem in the same ways in my struggling little hamlet, watching as the moon-sized junk-sphere surrenders to gravity and physics, relentlessly pursuing the destruction of what's left of this life I've worked so hard to protect through tectonic shifts and terrorist threats.

At least I'm not doing nothing.


About the author

Kelsey Paulina

Strange. Unique. Rationally nonsensical.

One day, I would love to be able to quit my job and pursue writing, drawing, and other creative avenues full-time.

Creating and engaging with my imagination is what I was made to do.

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