The Pursuit of Happiness

Pursue Happiness at all costs regardless of the risk - this is what I was told as a child. Chase your dreams, never let go of them and never let anyone tell you differently. This seed was planted in my mind at an impressionable age and little did I know it would impact me for the rest of my life. I don’t think my dad knew at that moment how much this saying would resonate with me, and how it would shape my life today. That saying became so meaningful to me I got it tattooed across my body because it is what I live and stand by. I feel body art signifies overcoming a defining point in your life, and to all the brave soles who shared their story, I applaud you for giving me the courage to share mine. Every meaningful piece of body art follows a worthwhile story, this is my tattoo - this is my story.

My first experience with addiction came a few months after my parents divorced and I was shuffling between my mom’s and dad’s place. At the tender age of fourteen, I could already notice something was wrong with my dad. The subtle changes in his personality, constant mood swings, and indecisive thoughts. It wouldn’t be until three years later I had figured out the truth.

It was June of 2017, and I wanted to transfer schools going into my graduating year that fall, it was a bold move you could say. To play junior hockey was a goal of mine since I was a kid, and I would be risking years of time, effort, and commitment to my craft that could ultimately see me taking a step backwards. I knew that I was losing my brothers whose careers had taken them elsewhere, I was proud of them but mine had hit a crossroad. Do I stay in a place I won’t be happy because it’s for the best, or take a risk and go see If I can make a better situation for myself; so I did. I ended up transferring schools, had to try out for an entirely new organization and although it was a huge risk, the effects from that decision are still shaping me today. The friends I had made along the way are now my brothers in life and I share the roman numeral "IV" tattooed with them on our biceps. The tattoo symbolizes our friendship and signifies us as brothers. The opportunities that later crossed my path were a result of my decision to trust in myself and follow what makes me happy. My dad who was not in the right mind state at the time got very angry at the idea of me transferring schools. Telling me I was putting my hockey career in jeopardy and that it was a stupid decision; he was not wrong. I argued that I wasn’t happy here without my teammates and that I should take the risk and shoot for the opportunity that would make me happy. This was the only time in my life I had ever experienced my dad telling me not to do what makes me happy. My whole life he would say thing’s like “Go be a garbageman for twelve hours a day if it makes you happy,” or “Don’t be afraid to take a risk if it means doing what makes you happy”. His response was polar opposite to the values he had taught me all my life, this was when I knew something was wrong.

That day after we talked was when I found out the truth from my family friend, whose house we were living at with my dad. I explained the call I had with him and how bizarre it sounded. My family friend seemed shocked to know I had no actual idea of the situation I was dealing with. He told me my dad had been addicted to opium which was a gateway for heroin in the ensuing years. He had been on multiple prescriptions for multiple conditions, ADHD, Borderline Personality Disorder, bipolar, PTSD, and had overdosed a couple of times and survived. I knew I had to confront my dad after discovering he had been lying to me and my brother beyond reasoning, and other things we don’t have to mention. This was one of the toughest moments in my life as my dad laid out the whole truth of the past, it was a lot. I was heartbroken by what he had done because I had supported him all these years when everyone told me not to. I had hurt people myself just being blinded with ignorance in the situation. This was the first time In my life I had cut off all communications with my father. This was the first big step in my life and led me to the first piece of my tattoo.

It wasn't till a year later that the call came. Out of the blue, it was a long lost friend; my dad’s friend. He contacted me to tell me my dad had tried to commit and I should reach out. It was at this point in my life I had decided I would rather get one last conversation with my dad than never get to have another one at all. My dad had burned all his lifelines, wasn’t in contact with any immediate friends or family, I was really the only one left. Willingly I went against everyone’s advice and visited him. It wasn’t easy seeing him in that state, he looked like a different person, and If I member correctly he was skinnier than me. It was very apparent the addiction had taken its toll on his body and mind. I had no clue what the future had in store for us after this point, I was just glad we rekindled our relationship as I couldn’t bear the thought of losing him again.

I need to take this part to explain my father wasn’t a terrible person. He was a good man at heart, but he made his mistakes and the addiction led him into a downward spiral. Although I can't forgive his actions, I can support him in his future endeavours. What I learnt from this experience is that addiction is a mental disease, it’s not an illness. It doesn't go away once you're better, it's something you struggle through and constantly need to work on every day. Addiction will bring out the unimaginable in anyone, I’ve seen it first hand. Even though my journey with him has been a cycle of relapse and hurt I still somehow can see the sun shining through this long night. He’s currently living alone in Vietnam, which may not be the healthiest or safest place for him mentally, but he is happy there, so I am happy for him. I hope one day to see him again.

The second part of my tattoo came with the second big transition in my life. I was faced with the opportunity to make a good amount of money at a job I wasn’t exactly happy in. It would consist of a month on month off work schedule in a remote location and would require a lot of sacrifices. I decided to give it a try and I took the job for a month. The kicker was when I got back I was forced to make a choice of living at home and saving up my money with this job for as long as I can. My other option would be to move out of the nest and start supporting myself on my own. I met so many amazing people and am happy I followed through, but I knew this job wasn’t the root of my happiness. I returned and weighed out my options. Settle for the money and make the smart decision or take a risk and fight for the life that will make me happy. We all know what the smart choice was, however, I have a knack for not making the smart choice. You can guess it, I stood my ground packed up my thing’s and moved out on my own with what I had.

This was nothing against my mother, it wasn’t cruel of her to give me that ultimatum, it was tough love. That’s what it was and I hold no resentment against my mom, I actually thank her for it. If it wasn’t for my mom putting me in that position I would have never moved out on my own. I would have never learned how to financially support myself, how to find a job, how to properly take care of myself. It wasn’t until I had completed this big transition that I figured out how drastically I needed it. I will say it now and say it again, I could not thank my mom more for kicking me out.

This left me with nothing to fall back on which was very uncomfortable. This uncomfortable feeling helped me eliminate my procrastination, laziness, and hesitation, there wasn’t any room for that anymore. It wasn’t easy, I had to shuffle through jobs I hated till I found one I was happy at, it was a lot of learning the hard way which I was banking on. I had a lot of work to do on myself which I never realized cause I was so comfortable in my life before. If it wasn’t for this transition I doubt I would have started my freelance writing career, I would have the same poor investment in school I developed my whole life. I would have stuck to my same old habits and never pursued aspirations that would make me happy in the future. Change is awkward and uncomfortable but it helps us grow in life, and helps us discover more about ourselves. It was at this second transition I got the second part of my tattoo.

This part explains all the symbolism from the dragon on the scroll which has a lot of meaning hidden within it. In terms of Chinese Zodiac Signs, I was born in the year 2000, making me the year of the dragon. The Dragon is meant to symbolize luck, guess that makes me one of the lucky ones. My mom has always been Buddhist and raised me on the notion of it. While she was studying acupuncture in China she got the opportunity to visit a Buddhist temple. As my mom would never return empty-handed, she didn’t and this is when I crossed paths with the dragon scroll. I hung it up in my room for the years not having any clue the symbolism it had or the value it would bring to me later in life.

In traditional Chinese Culture, they depict dragons with a pearl, however, mine is a flaming pearl, one of the Eight Treasures. The Eight Treasures are also known as the Eight Auspicious signs and all represent different meanings. The flaming pearl is meant to represent pure intentions. This means sticking true to who you are, and your intentions; mine is happiness. The pearl is signifying whatever that dragon is pursuing in life and is thought of as a metaphor for perfection and enlightenment. Mine is different however it doesn’t have its pearl, it’s still chasing it thus meaning I am always pursuing happiness. As the dragon devours the pearl, it is seen as fading into a waning moon. As the dragon disgorges the pearl, more of the pearl is seen appears as a waxing moon. The dragon and pearl thus symbolize the endless cycle of transformation. I find this very ironic since I have gotten my tattoo done in two sessions, both after the huge turning points in my life. Both were major transitioning moments for me and it's funny how that symbolism reflected itself there. My dragon can also be seen with five claws, which is meant to be considered lucky. Only emperors were given dragon robes with five claws. For the Emperors, these dragons were meant to provide them with good fortune and symbolized benevolence, prosperity, longevity and the renewal of life. All of which hold value to me and hope to guide me through life, which is why they are embodied to me on my tattoo. My tattoo will always give me the strength to direct myself in life, it will give me the knowledge to make the right decision, and it will guide me to pursue a life of happiness.

Everything in my own life is of my own doing. The choices I made in the past shape the person I am today and the choices I make in the future will shape the person I become. My direction in life is always guided by what will bring me happiness because if I’m not happy with what I'm doing, is it worth it? Don’t get me wrong sometimes you have to struggle through whatever it may be to find this happiness. If you never go out and at least give everything a shot you won’t know what will bring you happiness. For example, I took the job up north with the mind “don’t shake it before you try it” and I don’t think if I didn’t follow through on this experience I wouldn’t have landed my current job. It took some struggling but I worked hard to find a job I enjoy and create a life I am happy with. It took some risk, and some sacrifices but I would have never gotten to where I am if I didn’t persevere through it. I guess what I'm saying is to welcome change. It will feel uncomfortable but these experiences will help you grow as a person and will give you opportunities you could never Imagine. To end my story I leave you with this quote from the Dalai Lama which is the essence of my tattoo.

“The purpose of our lives is to be happy” - Dalai Lama