The Path I take

The journey to obesity wasn’t a hard one. It came from depression, it came from a dark place inside, where a small child wanted to hide. I wanted so desperately to not be seen or heard that I hid with the only thing I knew I could control. Food. I would eat snack cakes, crackers, chips, and anything I could, all while beating myself up for doing it. I hated myself for every bite I took, but at the same time, those bites would comfort a part inside of me that needed attention. The part of me that was starving for love, for acceptance, so starved that I comforted that need with food.

It was easy to get here, to become an adult with so much extra weight that my hips hurt, my back screams for relief, my knees want to give out and I am always exhausted. The choice to change, that is the hard one. That is a journey that is fraught with difficulty. To make the decision to change it is something that takes a strength that I never even realized that I had, and it will not only be a physical journey, but mental as well. Standing in front of that mountain, knowing that I either climb it or die, I have to call on ever ounce of strength that my body and mind possess and hope that it is enough to take me to the top.

Sometimes this journey feels like I have taken a hike on an overgrown trail. There are branches and vines in the way that I am constantly having to hack away at, just to get to the mountain top. I can see it, far far ahead of me, but I am stuck in one spot hacking away at thick overgrown vines.

I fall down a lot, my hands get cut up, my knees get dirty. Every once in a while someone passes me on the path, helps me up, tells me that I am doing great, I have come so far, but they pass me, going on through their own path. Their vines do not seem as thick, but I don’t know for sure, because I am not there, I am here, on my path.

I look behind me, at the path I have cleared and it looks so easy to just go back. Its a clear path, a road that has been tread and is easy to walk. Comfort and safety is back there, contentment and knowing what is ahead of me is back there. The path to the top is covered in brambles and vines and its so hard to get through. I dont know what I am facing by moving forward, what kind of monsters I will have to overcome, but I press on.

I press on to the top because at the top is a FULL HAPPY LIFE!! A healthy life, where I can climb stairs without huffing and puffing, where I can fit into cute clothes, where I can take a flight, or go on a roller coaster. A life where I can live longer with my husband, watch my nephew grow, be part of his life in an active way, not a bystander just watching from the sidelines because I am too heavy or tired to join in the fun! I have already missed too much.

This climb is taking me to the life I have been missing, that people have been living without me. I don't care about the vines, weeds, brambles, and overgrown trees…I will make it, I will climb this mountain and get to the top!! I cannot look back, that path is no longer mine!! My path lies before me, hard as it may be to get through, as scary as it may seem, it is mine and I will take it!!