Have Mercy on My Heart

Josh walked to his door, pulling a shirt on over his pajama pants. He had a sick feeling that he knew who this was and he wasn’t looking forward to opening the door at this time of night and having to face this again. It wasn’t the first time, and he wished beyond anything that it would be the last. All it ever did was reopen the wounds that he was trying so desperately to heal. He opened the door and there she stood, and his heart stopped. He still loved her, with every ounce of who he was, he loved this girl.

“Josh” she whispered breathlessly as she fell into his arms. He could smell the alcohol and sweet scent of her. He took a deep breath. He missed this, not the drunkenness, but the sweet smell of apples in her perfume. The soft scent of hibiscus in her hair, the way her green emerald eyes made his heart flutter. He sighed, pulling away gently.

“Hey, Sawyer. Whats going on?” He smiled warmly, leading her into the apartment. He sat her at the bar stool and started making a pot of coffee. Her make-up had started to sweat off. Her hair was a little disheveled. He knew that she had been out, drinking, and once the fun wore off, she was lonely. He swallowed hard, looking her over again. He wished he could turn her away, tell her that he couldn’t do this anymore. Tell her how it hurt him. Would she even care?

“Jay” she started, calling him the nickname he only let her call him “I missed you. I just wanted to see you. I know that I shouldnt be here….” she trailed off. Her eyes shot to his and then around the room. She avoided eye contact and her eyes filled with tears. "I know you dont want to see me.."

“Bug, you know that I am here for you, I always will be. This wasnt my choice. This wasn’t my decision. You chose this, not me.” he whispered, handing her a cup of coffee. She wrapped her hands around it, pressing the warm mug to her cheek and closing her eyes. A single tear slipped down her face. “Hey, don’t cry. Its ok, we can always be friends.” he felt his heart pull at the word, he wanted so much more and knew that he couldnt have it. He reached out, brushing a loose strand of hair from her face. Her face leaned into his hand for a moment before she pulled back.

“Friends, huh? Yeah, that always works out for people doesn’t it.” she scoffed taking a long drink. “I made a mistake, coming here, I just felt so alone.” she reached for him, thinking twice and pulling back again. “Youre right, this was my choice. I don’t know why I am even here. You don’t want this, you want a version of me that doesn’t exist!” she said, haughtily, turning away from his gaze.

“You want me to call Bridgette? You shouldnt be driving like this. How did you get here?” he said, changing the subject. He reached for his phone, pulling up her sisters number.

“Uber. And no, I will get home just fine!” She grabbed her phone, calling her sister. “Come get me please, Im at Josh's and he doesn’t want me here!” she said, glaring at him. “I shouldnt be here. I don’t want this, I made that choice, didn’t I?” she spat, angrily, standing up, setting the cup down and heading back towards the door. “I will wait outside.” she pulled the door open and stopped, her shoulders softened “Jay?”

“Yeah?” he whispered, wanting to go to her, hold her. He walked towards the door as she stepped out. She glanced back at him once more.

“Im sorry...for coming here...tonight” she said, shutting the door behind her. “Im sorry for everything…” he heard her whisper to his closed door. It was the loneliness talking, he knew that from experience.

Josh sighed and called her sister, apologizing and trying to explain. She would be there in less than 5 minutes. He poured himself a cup of coffee and sat at the window, watching to make sure she was picked up and okay sitting outside. He watched her shoulders rise and fall with sobs. Even drunk, she was still the most gorgeous woman he had ever met. His heart broke, again, wanting to be out there, holding her. Telling her that they could go back to what they had, they could make this work. But he knew, they couldn’t.

It was 6 months ago that she made the choice. He wanted more, he wanted to settle down. He wanted to start a family with her. He knew that she was the one. That she was the woman that he had waited his whole life for. They had been together for just over a year and there were very little problems. It was like, once they met, things just seemed to get better for them both.

His carreer took off, hers had as well, they were both happy. They were together, like he felt it should be.

When she started going out more, he worried, but she kept saying it was for work. It was important to keep her clients happy. They needed to see her around town, they needed to trust that she knew all the “cool” places to hang out. It was just a month before their 2 years anniversary that the big fight happened. She came home, stumbling drunk and he was sitting on the couch waiting.

“Your clients need to see you drunk every night? They need to know that you are a barely functioning alcoholic?” he yelled. He knew that she wasnt, but that it was a touchy subject for her, having had so many in her life before.

“I cant do this right now, Josh, I dont want to fight...” she said, unbuttoning her top.

“Stop it, just stop. You think that a quick fuck will help this? Youve got to be joking!” he said, putting his hands on hers. She pulled back. He stormed to the door, turning to her “Sometimes you make me sick” he spat at her, slamming the door behind him. He had heard her call out. He should have turned back, he should have apologized, but instead, he went to his old apartment and stayed for a couple days.

He had ignored her calls the first day. The voicemails starting out vitriol and venom, slowly turning to sadness. The next morning, Sunday, he called her and said they needed to talk. She agreed and he went back to their place.

The moment he walked in he knew that something had changed. He tried to reach out to her, she turned from his touch.

“Sawyer, Bug, I am so sorry. I love you, I didnt mean anything that was said, I am just worried and...” she held up a hand stopping him,

“Dont, Josh, just dont. I have been thinking. I know you dont understand, but I need to keep my work relationships close. I need to be seen, I need people to see me and that means that I have to go out. I have asked you to go with me, be out there with me. But you choose not to. That is your choice, but I cannot just throw away the work I have done to get where I am. I worked too damn hard to just throw it out.” She turned to him, her face set in stone.

“I understand that, I know that your company is important and that your clients need to know all that stuff, but what I am worried about is the drinking. You can be at the clubs, and venues, and whatever, but you dont have to get trashed” he said, reaching toward her again. She let him take her hand. She smiled softly.

“I think it might be time to take a break...let me get my stuff in order. I have concerns about your job too, you spend hours inthe recording studio, you bring your job home with you, you let those people walk all over you, but you never...make me sick.” her voice caught in her throat. She pulled her hand back again.

“Honey, I didnt mean that. I was upset, I was hurt...Im sorry” he pleaded with his eyes. Her tears started, silently, she shook her head gently.

“Its not just that, I forgive you, but I have to think about my future. I think we need a break.” she choked out .

“What about our future? What about the plans that we had made? When you started your company, you wanted to get it running, get a name and then hire people to plan the events and parties. You wanted a family. You wanted a life.” he said, trying to reach for her again. She stepped back.

“I cant just hire someone and let my company be run without me. You know that it doesnt work like that. I need to be there, I need to be the face of my own company. This isnt a fight we can keep having. A family will have to wait. I cant be that woman right now. Maybe someday, but not now.” she said, folding her arms across her chest.

“So the promises we made, the life we built, you just want to throw it away so you can party harder with the rich and famous? Is that it?” he started getting angry. “You dont give a damn about what I have given up, what I have walked away from for you! I work a lot, yeah, but I dont let it take over who I am. You have become someone I dont even know anymore.” he turned away from her, trying to gather his thoughts.

“I know that you still have your apartment, maybe you should start staying there again.” she whispered, walking away. “I packed your stuff, its in the guest room” She looked at him once more, before shutting her bedroom door. He heard her stifle her sobs.

“Bug...please...” he said to the closed door.

“Just go” she had yelled through the door.

He walked out, not bothering to go back to try to talk to her. The post it note on his boxes told him everything. 'Joshua's', she had never called him that, saying it felt too impersonal. He knew that she had seperated herself from this and was done.

“Thanks, Bri, I appreciate it. Im sorry.” He said, giving her sister a quick hug. She smiled sadly at him. They had always gotten along well, and she felt that Sawyer was making a mistake, but had tried in vain to get Sawyer to see it.

“Hey, its ok. Im sorry that you had to get up and deal with this...among other things.” She said, patting his arm. “Miss you at game night” she laughed softly.

“Yeah, just get her home safe. Ill check on her tomorrow morning.” he said, stepping back into the house, cutting the conversation off.

“Youve reached Sawyer. I am unable to get to the phone at the moment, but will get back to as soon as possible. Please leave your name and contact information after the tone” He listed to the beep and wasnt sure what to say.

“Hey..uhh, just wanted to make sure that you made it home. You dont have to call me back. I trust your sister...I guess I just wanted to...I dont know. Anyway, goodbye Sawyer” he said, hanging up the phone. He headed to the studio, trying to put her memory away.

Josh left the studio late, heading out to the bar to meet up with an artists that he was hoping to help record his album. He walked through the door and spotted her, her long brown hair shimmering under the lights. She threw her head back laughing at something the man to her left had whispered to her. She put her hand on his arm lightly. Jealousy, anger, then sadness raged through him. He turned to leave and heard his name being called. Sighing, he turned back around.

“Hey man, sorry, I didnt see you at first, I was going to head outside and call you.” Josh smiled at the young man walking up to him.

“No problem, I got a table in the back so we could talk without all the noise” he motioned to the table that Sawyer was sitting at. “They have been having a really great time” he laughed leading Josh through the room.

“Yeah, seems so...” he trailed off, following him.

He glanced at her table, she looked up just as he walked past. Their eyes met for a moment before he broke the contact. His heart pulled, pulled him back to her, back to the life he had wanted. He took a deep breath, pushing that far back into his mind. 'Not tonight, Josh, not tonight' he scolded himself.

He sat with Eric for about 4 hours. He could hear her laugh at every joke they told, could hear her talking, it was distracting, but he was finally able to get the kid to agree to come to the studio the next morning. He was eager, young and naive about the industry, but had a good sound and a great ablitly to write a song that made the listener feel like it was written just for them.

He watched her leave with the group as he was getting into his car. He heard them talking about meeting at a club downtown. He sighed, hoping that she wouldnt replay last night. Last night, last week, last month. It was all too much. He couldnt do it anymore.

The phone rang at 4am. He hadnt been asleep, having been working on a mix for the new artist coming in to the studio. He looked at his caller ID. It was her. Her name and face filled his screen. His finger hovered over the green button. He swiped the red button quickly, he couldnt. Not tonight. Not anymore.

“Jay, I know why you didnt answer. I know that you arent going to...I dont even know why I called. I dont know why I keep calling. I miss you, I miss us...” she started to cry and hung up. He listened to the voicemail two more times before deleting it. He knew that it was time. He couldnt do this anymore. It hurt him every time. He missed her too much. He opened a text and started typing.

'I know I should call, but I just cant force myself to dial the phone. I know that I should hear your voice one last time, but I cant. I cant face hearing you, and knowing it would change my mind. Sawyer, we cant do this, I cant do this. You made this choice, and finally, I agree with it. Do I love you and miss you everyday? You had better believe it, but I can tell that you arent ready for change. You arent ready for what I wanted to offer you. I love you, God knows I love you so damn much, but I cant do it anymore, Sawyer. I cant answer the door for you at 3am, I cant answer the phone, cant wonder if you are sober and wanting me back. I cant let you break me, over and over and over again. You were right the other night, friends doesnt work for people. One always loves too much, and sadly, its me. I love too much and cannot stop. I dont want to do this, but I need to do this. I need to put away the idea of “us” and start thinking about me, and that means letting you go. Goodbye, Bug, I loved you so much. The you that I met at the cocktail party, the you who made me laugh with silly jokes, the you who made me melt when you would just say my name. I miss that you, the one who was just starting to taste success, who hadnt let the parties and the money and the satus change her. Maybe someday you will be back, and I hope that you find someone who makes you want to come back. It obviously wasnt me, it wont ever be me. I love you, Bug. More than you will ever know.' He sighed, reading it over again. Almost changing his mind.

He hit send and turned his phone off. The tears were streaming down his cheeks as he laid down in bed to get a few hours of sleep. He would call the phone company tomorrow and change his number. He would move on. He would wrap himself in work, he would find things that would occupy his time. Maybe someday, he would move on, find someone who made his sky light up in the way she did. Make his heart melt when he heard her call his name. He doubted that anyone would touch his life as she had, but he was finally ready to let her go.

Her calls went to voicemail, she sighed. Reading the message one last time. She wouldn't respond. She would leave him alone. She would stop drinking, a promise she had made over and over again, but without him there, it seemed impossible. She closed the message. She would let him move on. She would let him go.

End.

Kaaryn Stowell 2019