The Moment I Realized I Was the Problem

Before I really get into this, I need to preface it with one fact... I am 46-years-old and living with my parents again for a while, without a vehicle of my own. I have made a side career of messing up my life. I did this without getting into drugs, being arrested, or getting a girl pregnant. I just kept messing up my jobs and not managing my money right. Things like that and more, but none of the usual reasons people hit bottom over and over. Only recently have I found the main culprit in all of this. Read on.

My Hidden Demon

Before we get to the moment I realized I was the problem, let me tell you quickly about the hidden demon I recently discovered within myself. To sum it up quickly, I took four tests online- 2 of which sold or promoted nothing- and by time I got the same result from the fourth test, I believed. Turns out, I have severe adult ADHD.

I quickly flashed back to being a kid and a doctor telling my mom that I had ADHD, and then to getting home and the whole thing being dismissed as bull and a way to sell drugs or excuse laziness. Different times, so no, I don't really blame my parents or anything. They didn't know and were already fed up with me, I'm sure, so it all just boiled over into that. Well, I dismissed it too at the time. Decades later... turns out that doctor was right and it just got worse and worse as the years went by.

Most people don't realize how much of you is effected by ADHD. It is also often times misunderstood in terms of what it looks like. Because the word "hyperactive" is in the name, people think that if you're not bouncing off the walls, then you clearly don't have it. Wrong. Especially in adult ADHD, hyperactivity has more to do with the brain and even emotions than it does with how much you physically act. In fact, often time, those with this condition are less physically active as adults. It's hard to do activities when your mind can't focus or even decide on what it wants to do, how it wants to do it, and so on. If you want to understand it better, do your research and find out the truth of adult ADHD. You'll start to understand how a lot of adults thought of as lazy or lost are actually suffering with this condition. Like me... it's untreated and has been for years.

How I'm the Problem

You may thinking that if I know this is what has been causing my behavior, lack of focus, failures, and more... how am I the problem? Well, I asked myself that same question. In fact, I realized how much my condition was to blame for everything. Then... I internally used it as an excuse. I silently started to give up and try less. I blamed it on the ADHD and told myself that without the medication or treatment for it, I was fighting a losing battle still anyway. I have been fighting it for decades without even know what I was fighting...and here I was starting to surrender to the enemy after finally recognizing what the enemy is. That's a lot like if we only recently discovered that China was attacking us, and then surrendered after knowing who we are fighting and defending ourselves against. Very dumb move on my part.

Is it possible that part of that reaction is also caused by my adult ADHD? Yes, it's possible. However, I have to take ownership and responsibility for not immediately telling myself that this just means I have to fight harder on my own until I can get the medication to help. Fighting and fixing some of the problems and situations caused by it, are the only way to move forward and start fixing it with help of treatment that has been missing. Ironic, I know.

I was able to blame the condition because now when I am struggling to take action, despite being fully motivated, now I know what is causing it. So, I was able to just say it's the ADHD and I'm going to lose the fight anyway, so why stress myself out even more? Instead, I have to see the realization of the cause and use that to drive me to action somehow. I have to fight past the effects of the condition and just start the action each time. I know the enemy and I have to use that to go against myself... in order to save myself.

Wish me luck.