The Last two Years

Just recently, I celebrated my two year wedding anniversary. I'm sure since my last post, you all have wondered where I have been and what I have been doing with my life. Let me tell you, the last two years have been quite the rollercoaster ride. And I have to say, personally, I do not like rollercoasters. But, thus is life.

Two years ago when I got married, it was the most joyful day of my life. I was so happy to be surrounded by family, friends, and so many loved ones. Though there were people not there that I wished were there, they were there in my heart and in my mind. I know for my husband, it was just as long of a day for him.

Anyway, here we are two years later.

Life has not been kind to us in the last two years. We've had losses, gone through our own issues, both with each other and internally. Unfortunately for us, we are both mental health sufferers. However, though I say this, my husband suffers a great deal more than I. And marriage was a big, fat slap in the face.

We, rather I should say, I evolved into someone that I couldn't recognize in the mirror anymore. Not to say he didn't either, but I changed so so seriously that he didn't know who I was anymore.

I became this controlling, awful word spewing, foul mouth bitch. I allowed the circumstances of the outside world to affect me so severely that I brought it home and just unloaded it onto an innocent man.

Because of outside circumstances, I got so stuck in trying to create a better life for us, that I let the world begin to take over me. I let the bad day I had at work to follow me home, no matter how fast I drove away.

Naively, I thought that it would never happen to me. I didn't think that I would let something so egregious deteriorate and almost destroy the love between two people. I have said things that I cannot take back, and caused irreparable damage to a man who didn't deserve it.

For a moment allow me to dive into my perception of the world, as its seen through my eyes. And as you read this, then you may see it the same way.

The outside world is fraught with nervous energy, high expectations, and way too many people running around in the hustle and bustle. People constantly feel the need to set these expectations, practically forcing them to do things they don't want to just to satisfy their needs. All it really does it throw innocent people into a tizzy because then they get caught up in the energy that is being given off.

After awhile, it is impossible to discern where your energy ends and everything else begins. The constant running and thinking and adjusting to other people is just exhausting. Everything around you becomes a swirling torrent of trying to make everyone happy while throwing yourself and what you need to the wayside.

I was lost, and there was a constant dark cloud of rain over me. No matter how many times I said I would get better, I never actually did.

Waking up everyday was a chore, and especially now in a time of pandemic, things only worsened. I lost my job, haven't received unemployment, and was just floating around wondering what to do with myself.

It wasn't until I realized that change won't happen unless I make some serious changes to myself. I have to stop trying to control everything around me. I can't control my husband, I can't control my Mom, I can't control anyone. What I can do is change my perspective. I can change my attitude.

That is exactly what I have done. I have changed, and completely for the better. I have noticed that I am infinitely happier, my mind is clearer, my body feels better. I'm making better choices with food and with my words, and I pray. I pray everyday. I meditate. Everything I do have a positive effect on my life. I spend time outside in the sun, I write down what I'm grateful for, and nourish my body and mind with only the positive.

And I don't just mean thinking positive for the sake of it. I'm talking about truly feeling, and believing that the Universe has a divine plan for me. Everything will happen in Divine Time. I accept this.

By changing my mindset and allowing myself to not be perfect, I have achieved a level of happiness that I have not felt in most of my life. If we can put a perspective on that, I just turned 31. There have been very few times in my life that I have honestly, and truly happy.

I'm undertaking a new journey which is leading me to exactly where I want to go. Everything is falling into place with Divine timing.