The last to know

How come am I always the last to know? how come everybody knows before me? What makes them feel like they deserve more than me? what makes them want to see me with nothing, lying dead on the side of the road? My mind... they all want my thought process. my sight. my opinion , but not when my opinion applies to them. I love to see myself in others, in fact that's all I look for. and the other persons ability to see me in themselves. I'm tired of the envy of being financially broke and mentally free. Being a house cat has it's privileges... I am also over the need to prove anything. to show anything. I'm sick and tired of people expecting me tom eat their bullshit and feel satisfied. All I ask for is to be given the same understanding that is expected of me. I am a very forgiving person, but I am human. I cry, scream, I laugh and dance, clean , write. Do whatever I have to to get through the trials that come before me. I never feel defeated until someone asks me if I need help. As if I can't get through this on my own. And please don't misconstrue that last sentence either. when I say alone , I mean me and the most high. as if my faith in the most high guiding me is not good enough or fast enough to suit them. we all have our own pace in this race. I run the 100. I run the relay. I have do the long jump every damn day! Dammit! what else do y'all need to see? Looking around my house , judging... How dare whomever! Fuck the views that you have of me and my children. We are GOOD. everything that has come at us we have faced and over come. Right now I'm only interested in learning things that can assist me with helping them elevate higher and not stay stuck. I have read about a few of the most successful people, not being happy or satisfied when they reach their goals and feel its nothing left to experience or they just had enough and they committed suicide or at least tried to. Today I had no choice but to put my phone down and be present. The best thing that was ever taught to me was how to work through my anger and my pain, and sometimes that means just being still and coming up with solutions for my household. That doesn't mean I'm giving up it just means that everything has a time and space when it's only you and you don't have a team. I am my own TEAM. Everyday there is something new to tackle in my household. Everyday there is a win , big or small to celebrate. We know all to well how it feels to lose everything and have to rebuild. what we are focusing on now is how to be prepared when things come at us out of nowhere. Yes, being a single mom is hectic, stressful and can be overwhelming... But honestly , I wouldn't have it any other way. The peace in my home is worth all of the things that we have been through. It has been worth the struggle. The stress had taken a toll on our mental health. We are working through that as well. Sometimes it feels as though no one can relate, then I am reminded that every single mother has went through something similar as we have and can give words of encouragement. The encouragement feels good. knowing that you have at least someone who can identify with your struggles helps in ways that I couldn't possibly put into words.