Silent Boundaries... We'll Talk About It

I believe that we are entitled to boundaries, of course. I think you’re a pushover and you have constant stress if you don’t set any boundaries because you’re a people-pleaser. You all know I speak from experience when it comes to people-pleasing, so I get it. I know what it’s like to want to be liked by everyone, but also pretend like you don’t care. I didn’t do myself any favors by subjecting myself to an industry where it is absolutely necessary to be liked and with the fragility of our forgiveness for others these days– you have to make sure you’re staying liked. Sadly, that means you can’t have a bad day publicly and even if you’re not in the spotlight in this industry you can’t have a bad day around the wrong person. Hollywood and the industry itself is small, but we’re not here just to talk about that.

I recently, very recently, realized that I crossed someone’s boundary. Or I made them uneasy or upset them, which I will always feel bad about. My intention is always to make people feel free, happy, and safe. You know? So when I’m told that I did something wrong or someone treats me as if I have done something wrong, it’s as if the dead people-pleaser in me instantly re-emerges and I’m critiquing myself so heavily, not showing grace to myself, extremely apologetic, and feeling guilty. With this situation though, there’s two things I learned: 1) You cannot be blamed for crossing a boundary that you didn't know existed. Hence, silent boundaries being the title. 2) You have to give people a chance to respect or disrespect your boundaries. If you verbalize it and they don’t respect it, cross them out– they’re no good for you.

Feelings within that relationship changes and shifts the dynamic— only for one person though, when things aren’t properly communicated. Then the other person is left in the dark. The only analogy I can think of is: You and I are living in the same house. I put a chicken in the oven, I leave the house and never inform you of the chicken being in there. I come back home and the chicken is burnt. I get mad at you for not taking it out of the oven. Who is to blame? Me. But who will ultimately be made to feel bad? You. It’s not fair at all, but my reaction to you will make you feel as though you’ve done something wrong, even if you haven’t. Now, if you’re dealing with someone who is a people-pleaser they’ll take this and be manipulated into believing they really did something wrong. If you’re dealing with someone who has a no-bullshit policy, you’ll be met with resistance and reason.

However, I think the most important lesson here is to be around people who let you be human. Everyone will not be perfect all the time and they’ll mess up, you get the luxury of deciding what their mess up was worth and whether it was intentional/accidental based on the boundaries you’ve set. I’ve always realized that people who genuinely like/love you as a person, they don’t let you sit in shame. If you feel guilty, that’s based on you and your process, but no one who cares about you shames you when you’re actively trying to fix it with their permission. When I say their permission, I mean if they are telling you “Hey, you did this and it hurt me. I’d like you to work on that by not doing this anymore”. Boom. They’ve given you permission to fight for them essentially and a chance to respect their boundaries. If that right is given, then shame should not be followed while you’re constantly working on it. That’s all. If that permission isn't granted, then I can't guarantee they won't shame you. It's their choice and yours on whether you'll deal with them shaming you. I know our hearts and minds aren't always in agreement on a decision, but I hope for you (more often than not) that they are.

If you’re not sure how far your boundaries go or you struggle with vocalizing them, don’t worry… we’ll talk about it.

Happy Tuesday!