Oozing Heart

My passion has become life and trying to help other people find their passion. How I'd gone about that has changed over time. First I'd wanted to be a Microbiologist in Grade 6. I was going to cure The Common Cold and help a lot of people. But when my Grandpa passed away in grade 9, I changed that to curing cancer, since not as many people died from the Common Cold. I didn't want anyone to feel as sad as I did. But life had a different journey for me.

A long one where I trudged through the dirt feeling like the worst person of all time. I'd become a high school dropout and only 3 months before my graduation. Something had also been a long progression. I became a regressed boy and a difference would form between what I was doing, and what people thought I was doing. I went to the graduation ceremony. I knew what I'd gone through trying to get grade 12 done, and I was proud of everyone for making it through. But what they didn't see, was a weird boy who cried, wishing he was up there getting a diploma like the rest of them.

I worked hard to find a job I loved. I'd had a dream to be an Electrician, and it would turn out to become an intrinsic interest of mine. But I also found another new dream, wondering what I could do to help people. It didn't take me long to realize how much an electrician cost, and I still had too many fairy tale notions on how the world should run. Nonetheless, I decided I was going to start a non-profit solar and electrical company. I just didn't tell people. People had a way of bringing me down, and I lacked confidence, self-respect, self-esteem, you name it. I'd let a lot of my dreams die for other people. I wasn't letting anyone kill another dream of mine.

I'd found the job I loved after years of abuse, only to find myself with Carpal Tunnel in both wrists a couple of months in. The only place they had for me to sleep was in a closet. At least Harry Potter's bed fit in his! But what that was, was another four-year struggle where I wouldn't have much time to focus on getting my autistic diagnosis. It was one thing after another, and when it wasn't, it was just myself bringing me down. But I was determined to get somewhere someway.

I got the wrists fixed, I got my solar certificate, and continue to finish up my apprenticeship. I'll need a Red seal for 2 years before I can open the company up. But I'd sat there and looked at all these ideas I had, and was like, "No, you don't need money to start all these things, just start somewhere,". I reasoned the whole point of the non-profit idea, so I started to seek out people that needed help. I was greatly encouraged by a pandemic that was causing chaos.

I knew one mother who had just been on a 4-month strike for one of the crown corporations. Then Covid hit and that helped her no less. She couldn't afford an electrician. But her kids didn't have power in their room, and she'd lost it to her kitchen as well. That just didn't seem acceptable. She tossed me $40, and I got the kids some power. A month was far too long. It just went off from there.

I'd noticed that what I was really in, was a battle with Karma. I'd instilled my fair share of unpleasantness for a period. But I noticed when Karma offered me something. A choice. To continue being miserable about being a dropout, or to fight back and be something better. The flight instinct had long dominated my landscape, but I'd grown tired of running anyways.

Money stopped meaning much to me around 17. At first, I was dating a wealthy girl. I'd asked my mom if "she was rich or something," trying to figure it out on my own. But my mother said, "Her parents might be, but the girl isn't," and I lit up as any weird boy would. I reasoned that meant we'd found something that money could never buy. True love.

When I talked to death a long time ago, I'd looked at my grave. It was just a box. I made it gold, but it didn't matter. I wasn't there to enjoy it, so what did it matter? I decided I'd prefer to just get tossed in the ground. Let the worms have at me. Give me back to mother nature, since I'd already taken a lot.

If it hasn't become apparent, my passion is helping people and making them smile. Not all my jokes, not all my writing, will be everyone's cup of tea. I do good work for my employer, and customers leave me chips and pop. I appreciate it. I know that most electricians don't receive those sorts of things. But I also take my job seriously. I even received a scholarship for an essay on my non-profit idea. That was big for a drop-out being hard on myself. They probably thought it was ridiculous like most people.

It started as a passion for making people smile. That's my currency. But at this point with my movie-recorder-like brain, I couldn't help but see how much needless misery I'd endured. Mostly just because adults weren't listening. I'd made it this far, against adversity. I sat there and wondered if I shouldn't just cash in my chips for myself. Live that seemingly good life. Or, I could just continue working twice as hard, with all the knowledge I'd gained. I could give back and just try to alleviate some of that suffering for people.

People might not like my opinions or the landscape of my brain complex, but at the end of the day, I just do things to try and help people. I started to write a series of memoirs, in hopes that those might help people find their inner strength. I'd been convinced for years that I was unable to write. I'd convinced myself I was unable to do a lot. I proved myself wrong, and that's a pretty satisfying feeling.

I was just the weird boy who liked to read dictionaries, encyclopedias and learn about bugs. I didn't have much strength, but I found it on my journey. I hope to use what I make off writing, to fund more of my ideas. A 5 season animated series I've written up. So I teach myself animation now, even though I hated to draw.

It only branches out in multiple directions. I have an idea for an anti-bullying campaign. But at the end of the day, all the little things are intended to fund my non-profit dream. The more people I help and make smile, the more fulfilled I am with life.