No contact

At times it seems as if going no contact gets lost in translation instead of recognizing it as a need for distance in order for self growth from both parties it gets viewed as a grudge; silly petty differences or a unwillingness to find resolution for the dispute in the ways that the opposing person wants.

Guilt fills us and the person or people we try to distance ourselves from only try harder to insert themselves in places they don’t belong. Making it even more difficult to achieve the purpose of creating space. I had been scrolling instagram one day and had read something that went along the lines: “sometimes to really help someone they might need space from you”

It’s rings true doesn’t it? Sometimes we want someone to be apart of our lives but having them in our lives in the current moment creates more pain than it does peace and some people will never accept the growth you go through because they will always want to see you in the version of yourself in which they held the most power over you.

When I first decided to create that distance between myself and my parents it wasn’t so much that I felt it got lost in translation over me simply being angry over circumstances, the past, or whatever it was that they felt I needed to ‘get over’. It was the fact that I had to get comfortable with people and other family not knowing my side. There would be people who assumed things, that would look for blame in my partner, blame in my lifestyle, and look for the chisme rather than truth. I had to learn to be okay with all of that.

I had to learn that explaining myself was not part of the healing journey.

My hardest struggle at first was feeling as if I was being shunned, I felt that I had become the social pariah of the family more so than I had felt my whole life. I had always felt out of place within my family but now I felt as if I couldn’t go to anyone because all they would ever want was the chisme, the stories, the badmouthing, to hear what had REALLY happened.

It seemed as though there would always be an elephant in the room and I simply wanted to be able to move one with my life in peace.

Not only that, but at the beginning I felt the need to hide myself. Most of the time I felt as if I couldn’t go anywhere out of fear of running into them. I was so fearful of my parents i grew paranoid, I was unsure of how to exist without running into them. I wanted to avoid the problem, not solve the problem. I was scared I wouldn’t know how to say “leave me be”. I got caught up thinking about if they were to approach would they understand how to simply leave me in peace instead of continuing to insert themselves, simply because they felt they knew better?

Part of no contact is being able to learn how to deal with encounters without a reaction or problem. Learning to be cordial, knowing that all of this is amicable even if the other side doesn’t feel this way. If it wasn’t for my sister’s I don’t think I would have cared as much as I do in trying to be decently peaceful with them in moments where no contact isn’t fully an option.

I had to be able to find a way to see and still have connections with my sisters despite not having communication with my parents, they still lived with them, they were still children. Not only that but my feelings and actions are not theirs and simply because I decided to go no contact did it inherently mean that they also had problems with my parents and we’re also waiting for their moment to untie the binds.

In fact I wanted them to learn how to have a good relationship with my parents, to view my struggles as their gateway out of anger and a way into being able to have a normal, functioning relationship with my parents. I wanted nothing more than for my sisters to be able to have and live a normal life.

It was only me that needed this distance at the moment. I had realized how much stress, pressure, and heartache I was enduring the longer I kept up with this connection. Once I got over my fears I realized how much calmer I was; my anxiety went down, I no longer felt a sense of obligation to live or act in certain ways. I felt as if I could finally be who I was, I felt stronger in my existence; I didn’t feel the need to hide or as if I was constantly waiting to be told what to do or get into trouble or face a backlash of judgement for my actions and desires for my own life. I felt at peace and ready to handle more issues within that needed healing.

Of course there are always moments where I wish it didn’t have to be this way, that I could love from a closer distance. I wasn’t mad or hurting as badly anymore but that didn’t mean that i was ready to allow them back into my life or that they had learned from their own mistakes and wrong-doings enough to show that I could try again to have them in my life once more or that they could handle being in my life the way that I chose not the way they thought they should be allowed in my life.

Considering sometimes the only way we can love people is from a distance, no contact is simply loving from a distance in circumstances were we cannot handle giving our love away without also loosing pieces of ourselves.