get sick of your shit

How many times have you tried to restart? I mean we all at least try once a year to restart and reinvent our lives, that is basically the whole purpose of new Year isn't it? only we also know that it's a week-long phenomenon. All of us posting everywhere that this really is the year! the year we finally get it all together, which then leads to another year of the same things just slightly different to make us believe we are changing ourselves, and then December rolls around and we all shout in excitement time to pretend like we are getting ourselves together again!

I used to say you have to let people fuck themselves up until they are done fucking themselves up, think about when you tell someone something is a problem and they hit you with the "No it's not. I can stop whenever I want... and I don't want to." followed usually by a tiny laugh of uncertainty because in that moment they are revaluating their situation once again: are they tired of their shit yet?

If you are really wanting to change who you are you really have to hate who you are in your present moment, be really fucking sick of your shit in order to actually want to put in the work to be who you want to be. It's always easier to be miserable no matter how miserable that lifestyle is.

Nobody wants to admit that they were or are a bad person or that we just don't like who we've become. Maybe at one point the way that we were worked for us, made us feel safe in our existence but we are constantly finding out new things and expiercing new things that change who we are and the idea of who we want to project ourselves as. Radical self-growth doesn't come from just realizing you are a bad person, it comes from you realizing that who you are in this moment is no longer who you want to be and who you can make yourself become is still you, the most authentic you.

We get so caught up in thinking about whether or not there is time to change, whether we are too old to change or we get so caught up in ideas of what we could be that we never really make the effort to be that person. Constantly making excuses for our way of being because we don't want to admit that maybe it is time to change. It is always easier to dream than to make it be your reality.

Doesn't it feel repetitive though? at one point in my life I thought my lifeline looked more like a life circle; because the same situations would play out over and over, I never really felt I was growing out of anything I felt like I was just getting the same shoes every year but just in different colors.

There was a moment I had with myself while driving, I had the thought come to my mind of 'I don't want to be 40 and still doing this.' what was 'this'? 'this' was everything, old habits, old people and everything that was holding me back. I knew what I could change to better myself and make me feel good about my life and I was just refusing to do it out of a self suffering mentality. I thought I had to live like this out of punishment, out of low self worth; whatever the case I realized that I was basically done. If I had to be alive , I didn't want to be alive like this.

We get so caught up feeding our egos that we starve our souls. We forget that we are not changing our egos but destroying it so that we may reach our soul and see what it is that we truly need. We can go through so many rounds of saying we are done, a back and forth with our ego and self; Our ego tells us what we want to hear and its the main reason why we ignore our intution and soul as much as we do. We know that if we were to actually listen deeply we'd understand what is wrong but no one wants to be told that we are holding on to bad habits and bad things, that if we were to release our own negativity we'd feel better.

We have to be truly sick of our own shit to be able to move onto this new life that we all keep saying we are going to create. Until we are completely and utterly sick of ourselves we will continue to stroke our egos instead of feed our souls.