just let go

My family was never a broken family and I'll never claim to have come from a broken home; because it wasn't, it just had abuse mixed with a spoonful of honey to make it less bitter. Threats, insults, beatings nearly every single day, but that only happens behind closed doors and closed curtains. Out in the open, to the rest of our family and other people, we were the family that goes out together and "stays together".

I used to have such a problem with the way my family was, they say you can't choose your family but you can and you do. You just can't choose the people you're around at first; you are stuck with the family you are born into until you choose to find your true family if that one is not it.

Someone once said that those you relate to are those you are related to. A game-changer of a phrase, for me at least. It is one of the truest things you can hear when you decide who should be in your life and to what extent. One core moment I remember was when my mother came into my room one day and asked me if I even saw them in my future, if I was planning on even keeping communication, in that moment I stayed silent because I didn't want to hurt my mothers' feelings because the honest truth was since even before high school before that moment that my mother asked me that question, I had already set out on never seeking them out again as soon as I could. I did not want to hear from my parents and I didn't want them in my life.

As I got older and moved out with my sister and partner, I remember busting out crying to my partner one night saying I was going to have to deal with them until they were dead and that was something I just couldn't handle. I tried to get along with them and have the relationship I wanted with them but as time went on it clicked to me that what they wanted was the picture they created: a controlled household where everyone did what they wanted, felt what they felt, and agreed with everything they thought. Don't come with your own feelings because you are just overreacting, don't come with your problems because don't you know? Mother and father have and have had bigger problems.

It had begun to reach a point where I strived more for the relationship I so desperately wanted (but would never get) rather than striving for who I wanted to be as a person and letting them either accept it full-heartedly or just get out of my life; soon I realized that some people don't learn to change they learn to hold their tongue. I never felt like I could be authentically myself and I felt like they were never themselves either. They had learned to hide parts of themselves that they knew would create problems rather than look at themselves and ask if they thought it was good to be that way, whether it benefitted our relationship and whether or not it was healthy to act in the ways they were acting for our relationship. I had gotten to the point where I realized my life would never be accepted only tolerated simply because I was a daughter.

At one point I just realized I could never be my full authentic self around these people. What they wanted out of this daughter-parent relationship was a whole different picture than what I wanted and unfortunately there was no compromise in this situation. All their past actions, all our past and present reactions to situations had caught up and the consequences of it was that there was no bond and there would never be one. It echoed in my head, one night my father had said he had accepted that he had basically lost my sister and me as daughters and that's why he was acting in a different manner with our younger sisters and it worked for them; at least I hope it did. My father was not wrong though, my sister and I had already been discussing moving out and cutting off all ties with them because we simply couldn't handle it anymore.

There comes a point in our lives where we have to analyze everyone in our lives. I needed to surround myself with people who actually wanted the best for me, not the best for me that would benefit them or make them live out their fantasy life.

Everyone thinks that forgiveness and letting things go is still being involved with everyone that hurt you, being able to still provide that person love. "Oh, you're not really zenned out if you can't look at the people who hurt you and say I forgive you" that's not true. Cut off who you need to cut off, even if the relationship is peaceful right now, tell off who you need to tell off, respectively. The true peace of mind is not letting it affect you anymore, let go of those ropes that tie you down, that's why we let go of those that hurt, or have hurt us, because they are our ropes. It's not that I hold anger in my heart or I harbor everything done to me; it's that these people are the rope tying us down, and that is why I must let you go. Regardless of what you have done, or what you do, to make up for what you have done, if my spirit cannot handle your presence then you cannot be welcomed in my life. Not out of anger at the person but out of love for ourselves.