Living Our Values Everyday

IS IT GETTING BETTER, OR DO YOU FEEL THE SAME?

I jumped into the deep end of adulthood in the early 1990s. By enlisting in the US Army at the age of seventeen, I could wipe clean the slate of adolescence and start fresh as an adult. I signed up during Desert Storm—too late to be deployed as luck would have it. The Cold War had finally ended, and U2’s Achtung Baby was released while I was stationed in California attending the Defense Language Institute. Their hit single One was popular among my cohort of Military Intelligence linguist trainees.

Is it getting better

Or do you feel the same

Will it make it easier on you now

You got someone to blame

-ONE, U2 (1991)

We’d take turns philosophizing whether or not Bono meant this to be a love ballad of humans or humanity. Was he referring to couples or countries? I can’t remember if we ever actually came to a consensus.

***

Almost thirty years later, I return to these lyrics, but with a different lens. I am no longer guessing the motives behind why the song was written. Instead, I yearn to know the answers to the questions posed. As I enter 2021, I have an opportunity to begin anew. Will it be better for me now? Do I feel the same? If not, am I comforted in the knowledge that regardless of my stance, I can always identify a scapegoat?

I want to think that I am at a point in my life where personal accountability surpasses blame. Expressing dissatisfaction with an aspect of life is one thing, but at some point, I have to take it a step further and work to right what I perceive as wrong and finally begin to live my life deliberately.

A QUIET MIND

Last September, I implemented a self-imposed media and social media brownout. A brownout is similar to a blackout, only there are still some electricity periods. I was no longer aimlessly engaged on social media; I turned off all push notifications on my phone and tablet and ceased to read the headlines regularly. I periodically looked to see if someone tagged me in a Facebook post, glanced through my alerts on the app, and checked my texts and emails several times a day rather than every few minutes. The results were remarkable.

I found that my relationships with my husband and my children improved in the months that followed. I was calmer, happier, and I slept better. That is not to say that I was relaxed, content, and rested with ease. I have multiple physical and emotional health issues, and I am still me. But it was uplifting and discernable progress.

I determined that the media and social media brownout was a step in the right direction. I had less information to process and fewer opinions to taunt my easily triggered spirit. It was not long before my mind quieted, and I could think once more. Soon I found more time to examine issues influencing my family’s relationships with one another.

ILLUSTRATION: HOW A QUIET MIND ENGENDERS PROBLEM-SOLVING

I can’t point to when or how it came to my attention, but sometime in December 2020, I registered that our family had not been sitting down together to eat meals, and it began to weigh on me. I sat with my thoughts and considered not only what obstacles were keeping us from having family meals but why those occasions were so coveted in my psyche. Indeed it wasn’t just to tear my teenagers away from the PS4 and endure an hour-long silent treatment as they stared sullenly into space. My tween’s repeated eyerolls offered little motivation, as did the compulsory coercion involved in feeding my eight-year-old.

I brainstormed some ideas, but nothing seemed to stick. I found myself ruminating instead of coming up with a concrete plan of action.

I pulled out my phone and recorded my thoughts in the Notes app:

GOAL: Family meal.

OBSTACLES: Getting organized. Too much clutter. Having dinner ready when husband gets home (he is hungry right away). Satisfying everyone. Getting everyone to come to the table without ruining the mood. Keeping myself sane and not overstressed. Finishing before evening activities. Dirtying the dishes. Who will clean the dishes???

WHY: Together time. We can talk about our day. I did it as a kid. Motivates me to cook. Gets/keeps us on a schedule. Brings us together. We will actually talk to each other.

***

The above event was not the first time I realized that something was amiss, creating a cloud of stress in my life. The difference between the December 2020 occurrence and those prior was that the previous happenings left me overwhelmed and paralyzed with frustration. There was simply too much noise in my head to respond. However, last December, I took immediate action with less din and fewer inputs and began to problem solve. Instead of my eyes spinning incessantly because my brain/processor was overloaded, I worked through different algorithms with ease and eventually came up with a solution.

KEEP IT SUPER SIMPLE (K.I.S.S.)

The Army taught me to K.I.S.S.—Keep It Super Simple—only Uncle Sam's version of K.I.S.S. was cruder. Drill Sergeants made it clear that we were the workhorses—or the doers—of the Army as Soldiers. We knew early on not to get caught saluting a Non-Commissioned Officer (NCO). Otherwise, we'd land ourselves on the ground in the front leaning rest position, ready to serve up a minimum of twenty-five push-ups with the Drill's face inches from ours. At the same time, he would inadvertently spit in our eyes and not so unwittingly squish our fingers with his boots, all the while lecturing us on why Soldiers do not salute NCOs, and the top reason was that "NCOs work for a living!" The encounter always concluded with, "Private! You will go far if you would learn to K.I.S.S.—Keep It Simple, Stupid!"

These days, in keeping with my mantra of positivity input translates to positivity within, I prefer the modified version of the acronym: Keep It Super Simple. With that in mind, I offer a sampling below of my intentions for 2021.

(T) T.H.I.N.K.! BEFORE YOU SPEAK

I thought quite a bit about what to include in this piece. I did not want to overwhelm myself with an unwieldy essay that touted lofty aspirations accompanied by simplified game-plans. Moreover, I have often associated the word resolution with a negative connotation. I've always felt a loss of control once I have made a resolution. This year, in 2021, I wanted it to be different.

My approach, LIVING OUR VALUES EVERYDAY: 2021 INTENTIONS, allows me never to relinquish my sense of control to the resolution. I know these intentions were thought through with L.O.V.E., the foundation of which are my core principles. I have outlined my intentions using the acronym T.H.I.N.K., as spelled out in the image above.

(T) TRUTH THAT WORKS FOR ME

My path to identifying my true needs and putting my wants in a separate category was anything but linear. I had perfected methods on what did not work. I could probably write volumes on how not to achieve tranquility in mind, body, and spirit. But I've started to understand how to focus on what I have learned, rather than on the mistakes I've made.

I've battled clinical depression for more than twenty years. I am hesitant to share too much, as most depressives know, it is a slippery slope. On the one hand, I want to share my perspective. On the other hand, I don't want to sound negative and scare others off. I also do not want to find myself going down the rabbit hole of deep, inconsolable thoughts that landed me in the psychiatrist's office in the first place.

Recognizing the reasons behind my hesitation to share details of my depression in my writing has carried over to my everyday life. As I move forward in 2021, I intend to focus on the positive and try to let go of the negative. If I liken my brain to a computer, I can only process so much information before I am overloaded. Why not prioritize my uploads with positive data? That is not to say I will ignore information that affects me and my loved ones directly just because it is not positive. However, I will be more judicious about what I spend my time thinking and talking about. This leads me to another intention: setting and maintaining healthy boundaries.

I was slow to see how few boundaries I had in my relationships. When I finally admitted they were lacking, I thought it was only my problem. I didn't realize that the absence of boundaries had a two-way effect on the connection. Not only was I setting up a co-dependent relationship, but I was also positioning myself as one who seemingly had no control yet indeed held all the cards.

In 2021, it is my intention to move forward knowing my truth: healthy boundaries are the foundation on which I will build my spiritual well-being. As 2020 drew to a close, I had already implemented new limits with certain people in my life. I don't like confrontation, and I am not a good conversationalist. Replying to why I had changed my behavior is difficult not because of the response I give, but the emotions involved on both ends. I am grateful to have gotten through those situations unscathed.

Despite many difficulties in my life, I always have things for which to be grateful. I think there is a misconception that depressed or suicidal people are ungrateful and selfish. Even in my lowest times, I was still grateful. During my dark hours—though my pain was unbearable and I could not see beyond it—I was thankful others I knew were happy and healthy. Today, I am grateful that I can see past that pain. I am grateful that the more gifts in life I acknowledge, the more I am granted to see, even though they were there all along. I have found that gratefulness breeds gratefulness. Practicing gratefulness in 2021 is an opportunity for me to honor my truth.

(H) HELPFUL NOTES THAT KEEP ME GROUNDED

In the last quarter of 2020, I felt more defeated and less inspired than in years past. To avoid projecting this dissatisfaction onto my family members, I declared October 27th the official start of an open-ended Christmas Season in our home. Our Christmas playlist commenced—spreading holiday joy throughout the house as we sang along and trimmed the tree. The season was cheery and bright, from my younger ones dressing as Christmas elves for Halloween to the mischievous Elf on the Shelf making her annual appearance at Thanksgiving. However, by the time Christmas rolled around, my oldest had shared with me his arrangements on where and how he would store the decorations on New Years Day. It was time, he insisted. Glancing up, he added, "This is the end of the road for the Christmas music." Wow. We had been surrounded by the same repeating playlist 24/7 for over two months. It would be a shift, for sure.

***

My initial plan was to use celebrating Christmas as a means to lift our collective family spirit. Fortuitously, once the only evidence of our holiday that remained were the kids' toys and my husband's new socks, I was able to extract playing background music in the house as a useful tool that could benefit us daily.

First, I needed a playlist. I tried out different tunes before I made my final selection. I wanted it to be uplifting and comforting, yet not distracting. If it lasted at least eight hours before repeating, that would be ideal. I had narrowed it down to instrumental piano because, at times, I am sensitive to different sounds such as certain strings, percussion, and brass instruments.

Suddenly it struck me. Although I have never been a devout Christian, I was raised in the Episcopal Church. Deep in the recesses of my mind, church hymns are stored, and once a year during the holidays, one or two are dusted off, giving me the warm embrace I received as a child. I recalled that my childhood Hymnal was as thick as the Bible—certainly, I could find a piano playlist that would satisfy my length and comfort requirements.

Once I met my genre needs, I hit the play button. The piano hymns have now been playing throughout my home almost continuously since January 1, 2021. I have two smart speakers through which I stream the playlists, one is upstairs, and one is downstairs. They play in the background, which means that they are audible, yet we can still hold a conversation comfortably without adjusting the volume of our voices. The hymns have worked their way almost seamlessly into our home. I've only received one comment, and that was from my fourteen-year-old who wondered aloud a week ago, "What's this annoying music?" When I informed him it had been playing for the past three weeks, he shrugged and went about his business. Conversely, I often hear my younger ones softly humming peacefully along with the melodies and complaining if the harmony is interrupted even temporarily.

(I) INSPIRATION THROUGH COOKING

Thanksgiving 2020 was the first time I hosted a Thanksgiving Dinner. We were four adults and six children. We were not just family, but we were a pandemic family as well. I decided to go all out. I created a menu curated from the New York Times Food Section, Pinterest, and more. Everything was going to be from scratch, except for the Ocean Spray Cranberry Jelly. I planned on making a 24 lb turkey, a 12 lb ham, my grandmother's dressing, potato salad, pasta salad, candied sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, macaroni and cheese, fried corn and bacon, rice, gravy, fresh green beans with pancetta and lemon zest, fresh garlic green beans, spicy pickled carrots, Momofuku Crack Pie, Key Lime pie, banana cream pie, pumpkin pie, flan, oatmeal chocolate chip cookies, and chocolate chip cookies. My family member was going to cook a chicken casserole. As I said, it was my first time hosting.

I don't recall what occurred. However, I do remember that we ended up with too many pies (most were inedible). We had way too much turkey and ham. We had too many starches (despite only cooking a fraction of the planned menu items). We did not have any vegetables (because I never cooked them). We had no cookies (because I never baked them). What we did have was more than enough flan and chicken casserole, and a gigantic mess.

I learned a lot from my Pandemic Thanksgiving. Most of my conclusions drawn were not new ideas to me, just forgotten or ignored. I returned to K.I.S.S., recognizing that my menu was not simple. I reminded myself that less could be more when it comes to things like food and mess. Most importantly, I rekindled my love for cooking and saw the positive impact our family meal had on each one of us. It was enough for me to want to cook and have my family gather daily to recount our day.

I created a list detailing what I have found useful as I work toward coming together for meals daily in 2021.

1. Use what's in my pantry/fridge/freezer first. Rather than starting with buying new ingredients, I take a quick inventory of what I have.
2. Google ingredients to find recipes. If I see chicken thighs in my freezer, I will Google "tasty low sodium chicken thighs." I will then compare a few different recipes.
3. I am unafraid to combine recipes. I tend to pick and choose what I like or dislike from select sites. The pages I learn the cook times and temperatures from are often different from those whose seasoning advice I take.
4. I now have go-to cookware and utensils. A big mistake in my Thanksgiving debacle is that I used far too many kitchen items. Even though I have cabinets filled with all sorts of cookery, I've learned to grow my functional kitchenware with how I cook. My go-to cookware is the most versatile and easiest to clean. It consists of a cutting board, a medium-sized pot, a frying pan, a baking sheet, a brownie/lasagna pan, a rice cooker, and an Instant Pot. Although I don't use them all every day, these items are in my regular rotation.
5. Parchment paper and freezer bags are my friends. I found out much too late in life the benefits of parchment paper. My parents raised me using aluminum foil to line pans, which did nothing to help the clean-up process. When I finally learned about the many uses of parchment paper, I felt that I now had a tale equivalent to my parents' "Back in my day" stories of my childhood. Parchment paper is excellent for mitigating messes, creating funnels for transferring liquids, and for baking purposes. Together with freezer bags, the uses extend to wrapping and storing leftovers and fresh meats. I also use freezer bags for marinating meats and storing my prepped vegetables or full salads.
6. Clean as I go. With the incorporation of my go-to cook's tools, parchment paper, and freezer bags, cleaning is now less frustrating than before. But what has made more of an impact than those helpful timesavers is the approach I take in the kitchen. Previously, my arrangement was to prep, cook, eat, and then if I had the energy and initiative, I would clean. I have woken up to a messy kitchen more than a few times, creating a cycle of displeasure and anxiety. I needed a solution to keep my motivation alive. I thought back to the days of my grandmother cooking Sunday dinners in her small kitchen. Her workspace was always neat and organized—what was her secret? I realized she had cleaned up as she went. I gave my grandmother's method a try. Guess what? It actually works! There is an additional satisfaction as I sit down with my family to eat that the kitchen is mostly clean. It allows me to exhale, relax, and enjoy my meal and my company.

(N) NECESSARY BONDS: HUMAN BEINGS ARE A SOCIAL SPECIES

I am introverted by nature and have always been uncomfortable with double-palmed handshakes or hugs as a form of greeting. Casual touch has never sat well with me. I took for granted those whose embrace I trusted, never accounting for just how much that hold contributed to my well-being. And I didn't learn the importance of connecting through touch until I found myself without it.

I eventually became a dog-person. I was a reformed pet-avoider—someone who would claim to be allergic to all animals, especially those that were off-leash. I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was that person. Cringe-worthy, yes.

I am so grateful to have been given the opportunity to raise my two puppies. They saved my life and kept me from the darkest of places. Their unconditional love warmed my heart, kept war from my soul, and eventually brought peace to my mind. I am convinced it was more than just their presence and the responsibility of caring for the canines that were the catalyst for such positive change. It was the wet morning kisses and afternoon snuggles. It was the ability to bury my face in their fur when I needed consoling and vice-versa. And most of all, it was the moments to connect with and reach out and touch a living, breathing creature—day in and day out—regardless if they were human, canine, feline, etc.

***

I try to remind myself daily how fortunate I am to have a household of six during this pandemic. Live and in-person human interaction are important for survival, and we clearly don't lack it here. Although our fourteen-year-old is less generous when doling out physical affection with me, he has no problem communicating on that level with our dogs. If we stay the course during 2021, I predict we will satisfy the human touch requirement essential to help our hearts and minds get through the year.

(K) KINDNESS MATTERS

Each of us owns our story. As natural as it may be, I try not to compare mine with others'. Who has had it easier or harder? Who was dealt the better hand? Who worked harder and who lucked out? Who is doing it right, and who is doing it wrong? Ultimately, I am responsible for myself and my family. But how do I respond when someone insults me? Do I battle back? Or how about when someone offers me a compliment in the form of degrading another. Do I reject it, take it, or a little bit of both? As difficult as it may be in the moment not to battle back or receive a compliment, I must be kind for my own well-being and the sake of my soul.

Some say kindness is free and wonder why all people are not kind. With all of the world’s stress and the damage today, I understand why kindness is not upheld by everyone always. They say that hurt people hurt people. The saying is not an excuse but an explanation. If we could stop the hurt in the world, we could spread kindness faster and further.

In 2021, it is my intention to be kind without prejudice. It will probably be my most challenging intention which to keep. Not because I find it challenging to be kind to those who reciprocate. Instead, it's the fine line I must distinguish between—getting taken advantage of and being kind to those with unclear objectives. Perhaps it is worth revisiting my intention of boundary setting?

CONCLUSION

In concluding this essay, I return to U2's One. Perhaps I am reaching, but it seems with each passing year, the song's relevance deepens. I founded my intentions for 2021 on L.O.V.E.: LIVING OUR VALUES EVERYDAY. They regard bringing about emotional and spiritual peace in my life. Once I achieve this balance, my relationships will grow. Despite my differences with others, our connections will strengthen, and we will carry each other, like One.

One love

One blood

One life

You got to do what you should

One life

With each other

Sisters

Brothers

One life

But we're not the same

We get to carry each other

Carry each other

One

One

-ONE, U2 (1991)