Life Gone by

6,226 days I have served in this prison, only a hand full of them happy.

17 years and 17 days today, held captive with these walls around me.

To yearn for something so close to one’s heart, so vital and so necessary.

To long for this is torture, now it’s attached to my soul.

You can’t see my shackles, but I am enclosed in this box.

Walking down the pathways of life with each passing chapter, and in this jail I live.

Ticking clocks on these walls, will slowly do what they do.

When all the grains of sand have dropped, will I come to accept my life as it is?

When no amount of money can save us, and too much of life has gone by.

Our investment is endless only to achieve something that should come so naturally.

For five out of six this is real, and comes so effortlessly; no work to be had.

Then that remaining pair in the bunch, not a hope to be seen, nor a dream to come true.

We obsess, destruct and are consumed by our thoughts of what will be.

But now I realize key; the way I have been living is not fit for a stray.

Watching them with their families; smiling through this window, locked away in this box of despair.

Sitting here with my emotions and the abundance of grief will prosper.

As I perch in front of this typing; trying to tell you how this feels.

There are no words to describe this darkness; no video I can show.

It just lives deep inside me, this sadness; I can feel it in my bones.

Seeping through my pores like a sponge full of toxins, attaching to the core of my being.

Breathing through my body like a cancer; polluting my mind and soul.

Evolving through my timeline like a virus, getting harder and harder to show.

I cover it up with a smile, because it’s easier to explain than a scar.

Each stage of my life has been stolen!

Being forced beneath the water, drowning in a puddle of me.

Betrayed by the body I’m driving, just a car that no one can fix.

Hate, shame, and guilt; all intensified with each passing month.

My 20’s passed by me completely, wasted with my head in the sand.

The darkest of feelings brings the darkest of actions, just craving to mask the pain.

Sitting in this room full of people, feeling so very alone.

With my 30’s almost gone, will I live a life to look back on and smile?

It’s so hard to keep going when your dreams may never come true; no matter the might or the try.

6,226 cuts; each one deeper than the last.

Sitting on the side lines regretting; shaming and blaming myself.

One day I will break out of here, free as a bird in the sky, but I’m going to need some help.

I will need immense understanding and patience as I walk beside you bleeding from such a wound.

Oh, won’t you take my hand, because in this jail I live!

Emerged from the darkness came this boy, in need of a Mother and I, in need of a son.

With my life i will protect him and teach him as one of my own.

My journey is not yet over but now I bask in the sun.

In every road trip, hug and kiss; this child is giving me a life worth living.

For you I wish a purpose, a reason for being – a must!

In this jail, I still live but this boy has broken a wall.

For those of you walking a version of my story; I offer but one bit of advice.

Stand tall and embrace each day with your wish and courage in your heart.

You are worthy of everything you hoped for and you have earned it so many times.

You deserve a life that you will look back on and smile and that only you can provide.