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Let Meditation be my Medication

My Journey toward Emotional Freedom

By Michael ThielmannPublished about a year ago 3 min read
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I tried to find relief outside myself until I was prompted to go within.

As a brief disclaimer, I am not advocating that taking any kind of medication is bad or wrong. I am speaking solely from my own experience of what worked in my own healing path. Some people I speak with seem to respond very well to certain medications. Since we are all unique, I always want to emphasize that I'm only sharing what is working for me.

Ever since I was a young child I have suffered from a variety of emotional disturbances that have taken many years to get a handle on and begin healing. I started taking medication at a young age to deal with crippling anxiety, and at the same time was introduced to simple meditation techniques. I remember feeling weird when I took the meds, and found the meditation techniques to be tedious but effective when I used them.

I remember trying to meditate during lunch break in middle school and getting ridiculed by my friends. I already felt socially awkward and different, so I pretty much gave up on it at that point. Thankfully the seed had been planted and was ready for me to pick it back up when I was ready. Further desperation was needed in order for me to put aside my pride and start getting serious about helping myself.

I went through many cycles of trying different medications and hoping I would magically feel better, as though searching for a silver bullet. The best I was able to get was a sort of numbed-out feeling and a detachment from feeling anything at all. Eventually feeling nothing became its own version of hell. I returned to my mindfulness practice with renewed vigor and weaned myself off the medications I was taking. It felt like there was an uprising of all the repressed emotions I had felt since childhood. I started sitting and just feeling through all the crazy thoughts and feelings that were coming up. I knew it would be the hardest thing I'd ever done, but I was determined to heal for real.

It was pretty arduous to face all the dark, shadowy and repressed aspects of self. Part of me yearned to find something to just suppress everything and carry on just going through the motions of life. Old addictive patterns would emerge and I would sometimes get overwhelmed and start acting them out to find some temporary relief. When I did act out, I noticed the relief was never as fulfilling as it once was. A mindfulness-based detoxing process had started and I could never get the same juice out of the old coping mechanisms as I did before. This in turn motivated me to love myself enough to truly let go of the old paradigm and embrace a new way of being without relying on the old crutches of the past.

Mindfulness and meditation practices have been steadily gaining ground in our culture for many years now and they have proven themselves to be helpful in dealing with all manner of mental and physical suffering. True meditation puts the onus and responsibility for our own wellness back on ourselves, which can be a liberating but sometimes frightening thing to face. Our culture has emphasized quick-fix type thinking and seems to offer an empty promise that if we do all the right things, eventually we will become happy and fulfilled.

Practicing mindfulness is all about learning to tap into the innate happiness and fulfillment that are found in the here and now, the one place my mind seems to want to avoid the most. As I continue to practice, I gain confidence that true healing is possible and is indeed happening. The only obstacle is my own impatience. I had been self-medicating for many years and am grateful to now be on the path of real healing and freedom.

self helphealinghappiness
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About the Creator

Michael Thielmann

I am an addiction and mental health counsellor living in Salmon Arm British Columbia. I love engaging with people about overcoming any challenges in their life and being vulnerable and open about my own process as well. <3

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