In the Middle of the Fire

In the middle of the fire of my desire lives abundance. It can't be accessed from outside of that fire. I must go all in. The fire has to consume me. It's not enough to stand on the outside ... to be warmed by it and to watch the flames dance.

Abundance doesn't live in safety.

Have you ever heard someone say "I get paid to exist."? If you are connected to people who believe in affirmations and manifestation, you probably have. I have often thought about that phrase. What does it mean? Is it true? I have come to believe that it may be possible in desire. I was reading a fiction book the other day and a quote jumped out at me from the story that I can't stop thinking about. "I finally understood that free will did not exist. I could not choose my desires, only whether to pursue them." — Upgrade, Blake Crouch.

At the very essence of who I am lay my deepest desires. The ones that motivate me towards my purpose and guide me subconsciously in my decisions. I'm not talking about the desires that play out on the surface ... but those desires, the ones I encounter first, each lead me to a deeper desire.

One of the first desires I allowed myself to pursue was my desire for community and connection. This is a pretty basic desire and one that many people long for. But as I pursued community and as I connected to more people, I discovered that community felt shallow and connection, while I enjoyed it, wasn't really what I wanted. What I really desired was to belong.

So I began my quest for belonging. And I experienced moments of belonging. Certain people or places made me feel like I belonged. But soon I learned that the feeling of belonging was fleeting, easy to lose. A change of location or perceived misbehavior could easily tear belonging down.

So I dug deeper.

And this is what I discovered. Belonging only comes when I can truly and fully be me. It doesn't come from a group of people or a family or even the closest of friends. Belonging comes from inside me. I can belong anywhere when I am authentically me because I was created to belong.

And so my search began for me.

And it goes on ...

For most of my life, I didn't really know what desire was, much less go all in on it. It's been a process for me to be able to see what I want, to touch it, to imagine it. Now, as I sit here, warming myself by my desires, I realize, that abundance isn't here.

I can make money here. I can create income. I can find happiness and do things that I love. But I can't find true abundance on this side of the flame. That level of abundance only comes in the flame. When there's no getting out. No escape.

It's terrifying. What if I'm wrong? ... What if I die?... What if my desires leave me poor, without security or stability? ...What do I do then?

So this is where I stand. Right outside the flame thinking can I actually do this? Can I jump into this fire while still protecting myself? But I know that I can't ... It's all or nothing. Survive or die. I can't try this to see if it works. There's no backup plan here.

I've always been a daydreamer. As a child, I loved to make up stories in my head. Sometimes those stories were me dreaming about the things that I wanted ... a surprise birthday party, a new friend, dancing like a Prima Ballerina on stage. Other times it was creating stories for my Barbies and Weeble Wobbles.

Somewhere along the line, I learned that these stories couldn't come true. In fact, I picked up the belief that the very act of telling myself a story or letting my imagination daydream about something meant it absolutely couldn't come true. My imagination was a serial killer and it killed all of my dreams.

Looking back, I am so saddened by this. I don't know how this belief found me, but I lived this out most of my life. Daydreaming was dangerous and to do it meant my dream, my desire, must die.

The unraveling of this belief took time and effort. I had to learn how to allow my imagination to live again, to trust it, and to allow it to flourish. As this happened, I finally came to a place where I could begin to explore my desires.

I'm still in that place of discovery. Every time I uncover a new desire and pursue it, another, deeper one shows up. Even as I stare at the flames knowing it's time for me to go in, I hesitate once again. Doubts wrap around my brain like an out-of-control vine and panic ensues. Do I really want this? Maybe I don't have to go all the way in.

But in the middle of the fire of my desire lives abundance ... and I desire to live there too!