If you frequently make this statement, your spouse and kids may distance themselves from you.

We often encounter this situation in life:

You try to persuade someone with all your heart, and what you say couldn't be more correct, but he doesn't listen.

Sometimes, if you tell your partner dozens of times about a small matter in life, the other person will turn a deaf ear to it.

The situation is even worse when dealing with children.

Asking him to eat more vegetables and brush his teeth, I tried all kinds of tricks, such as nice words and coercion, but he wouldn't listen;

Do they need to understand?

No, it's just that I don't want to listen.

Why does he understand everything you say but doesn't listen?

Before asking this question, think about this:

Where do you put the other person?

For example, sometimes children want to learn to do housework, and parents kindly remind them that it is best to wipe the table first and then sweep the floor.

As a result, the child didn't want to hear it at all. He said, "Ah——" and burst into solid emotions. He waved his hand and quit.

He would say, "That's what I thought," or "I didn't have time."

Adults often don't understand and instead blame, "Am I just reminding you and teaching you?" As a result, the child becomes even more upset.

If you look carefully, you will find that he is not fighting but aggrieved.

What is the child's inner emotion like at this time?

If this is something you originally wanted to do, then it is a sense of "pride" in yourself;

If you didn't expect it and asked your parents to remind you, it is a "sense of shame" for yourself.

The child's psychological language is: "I can do it well, and I can do it well without you telling me."

The child's inner emotion is: You say these reminders as if I can't do it myself, and you don't believe me.

He refused to cooperate because he felt that complying meant admitting inadequacy.

Why is the detail of "inner emotions" so important?

Because many times, we don't notice that when we speak, do we put the other person in a good or a destructive role?

What are good roles and bad roles?

Let me provide an example.

A couple always has a clear division of labor when getting along.

The husband works to earn money, the wife temporarily takes care of the children full-time for a year, and specific housework matters are also reasonably allocated.

But when it comes to implementation, the wife becomes increasingly unable to do what she wants. The child likes to cry, and she cannot sleep through the whole night.

The housework she had to do was constantly postponed and accumulated.

She felt isolated and a little aggrieved, and she needed more support from her husband.

How to tell your husband?

She has two ways of expressing herself:

One is to say that "something is wrong with my husband," accuse him of not having enough vision, not assigning responsibilities to him, and not caring at all.

Another way to express yourself is to talk about your difficulties and ask him if he can do more to help you.

These two expressions talk about the same thing and have the same desired result, but the difference is:

The former is expressing accusations, and the other party becomes a "bad character": how bad they did;

The latter describes needs and makes the other party a "good character": a "savior" who can help him.

Making the other person a "bad character" subconsciously makes the other person feel guilty.

Most individuals aspire to be perceived as not harmful or unethical. When individuals become aware of being accused, their subconscious instinct is to defend themselves and refute the accusation. They may respond with indifference or become heated and escalate minor issues into arguments.

Letting the other party become a "good character" can make the other party "feel good about themselves."

Let the other person know to what extent what he does can help him——

Don't blame, but directly raise expectations for the future.

Some may think, "If you don't let the other party realize his mistake, how can he change it?"

The opposite is true: one can only do better when they feel good about themselves.

Once you understand this psychological mechanism, your way of speaking will become more apparent:

Try to make suggestions to make people "feel good about themselves" so that the other party will be willing to accept it. There will be mutual benefit and win-win, and everyone will be happy.

But in fact, it is challenging to do this in life.

Two main situations hinder mutual understanding:

The first situation: Obsessing with "should"

This situation corresponds to people who have a fixed "ideal type" in their hearts.

Such people have strong expectations and assumptions about how everything should be.

A man should be "calm and resolute, cheerful, hard-working, family-oriented, and gentle and caring." Doing these things is "should," and failing is a "problem."

A child should be "clean, tidy, dignified, diligent and motivated, and well-educated." If he does it, it is "should," and if he fails to do so, it is a "problem."

For example, when talking to someone, there is an implicit evaluation of the other person: positive score, zero score, or negative score.

The rating others give depends on where the zero scoreline is set.

The zero line is the "should line."

If you set a "should line" at a certain level, anything that falls short of it will receive a negative score.

Get along with people who have a high "should line":

If you perform well, you will not receive any points as they are all "mandatory." Still, you will be penalized with negative energies if you perform poorly. It is important to note that this should be done in a separate location.

Setting the lowest score at zero is best if you want to live an easier life.

Let go of your expectations of others; any good things you do will be positive.

For example.

The daily life of a family with two children is primarily one of "falling in love and killing each other."

If parents believe the eldest child "should" give in to the second child in everything, they will see the eldest child's mistakes daily.

Constantly blaming the boss and being unable to stand from the boss's perspective when communicating;

Suppose you think it is normal for children to think about themselves, and it is normal for children to fight. In that case, you will be surprised to see the eldest child caring for the second eldest child, praising and encouraging him.

Over time, the impact on the boss will be more positive.

In a word:

How do you make life look beautiful everywhere? Just believe that not being beautiful is "normal."

The second situation: Obsessing with "I am good."

As mentioned earlier, when we persuade someone to show that we are correct and that the other person is wrong, it may cause them to feel emotionally conflicted. Still, the persuasion effect will not be achieved.

The solution may be straightforward. Only show yourself in some places, but can you understand and encourage the other party more to achieve the effect?

But the reality is more complex.

Often, a person who advises others does not want the other person to change but wants to express himself.

You can understand the difference in one sentence

"Look, I told you so" - this sentence expresses yourself.

For example, when a child plays with building blocks for the first time, the parent instructs the child to look at the pictures to find the pattern. Still, the child needs to listen, resulting in a miserable failure not long after the game finished.

After seeing their children fail, the first reaction of parents who give advice is, "Look, I told you so."

Then, review how important your suggestions were and how accurate your predictions were.

It is unwise to want your children to admit their disobedient behavior.

In this case, parents may even "enjoy" their children's failures.

Only when children fail can they prove their wisdom; the desire to prove their wisdom is far greater than caring about how their children succeed.

For example, when a child does not listen to his parents' advice, insists on carrying a heavy object, and falls, what is the best way for parents to deal with it?

Should I give him a quick hug and say it's okay? Does it hurt from the fall?

And when the child puts down the things, gets up, and walks away, he only cheers, "You are so awesome," and never mentions, "Look, what did I say?"

Lao Tzu said, "The incredible sound is the sound, the great road is invisible, " meaning you can cultivate everything without expressing yourself.

In many cases, the essence of getting along with others is the same.

Putting the other party in a "good role" position is the most straightforward and critical step.

Psychological research finds:

People with stable, high self-esteem tend to attribute good results to themselves and harmful effects to chance.

It makes it easier to persist in good times and escape in adverse times.

The same is true of the essence of leading a team. Let team members show their talents and make everyone feel "I did an excellent job."

I didn't understand this when I was a child. Reading history, I wondered how someone like Liu Bang could succeed.

When things happen, there is always "what to do." Why don't those brave generals like Han Xin replace them?

He can make everyone feel good and give their best. That is what makes a great leader.

The essence of raising a child is to make him think that he is good and can do better.

All crying, misbehavior, and laziness are standard, and the occasional outburst of politeness and diligence is, "Wow, that's great."

Children will feel that "I am so good, I am so good, then I can be better."

And this sense of self will make him want to do well.

Parents do not compete for credit in this process. The less they compete for the glory of "Look how well I educate you," the more robust the child's internal drive for growth will be.

Many times, the little motivation that makes us grow is the little "am I so good" in our hearts.

Yes, you are that good.