I Want You to Stay

So it's official. 2020 was not my year, nor anyone else's year by the sounds of it.

In order to explain my title and approach to 2021 in general, I need to go back to 2019 first and explain a few important things.

To be clear, I had the same 2020 most people had, with what seemed to be the loss of a million beloved figures in history (including my grandfather in February), multiple natural disasters, the messiest year for politics that anyone 40 and under has seen ever, and some intermittent little horrors like killer bees. Oh yeah, and a pandemic that is still torpedo-ing the mental health and overall hope of the people in the United States as we speak to make it more difficult to recover from the "what could possibly happen next?" sort of year we have had.

One thing that I can say was different about my 2020 than about 99% of the rest of the population was the 11 months I spent in training for the US Army, which began in November of 2019 and ended (not soon enough) in October of 2020. Typically, Army training requires about 2 months of Basic Training, followed by Advanced Individualized Training (AIT) for a certain amount of time that is determined by your chosen Military Occupational Specialty, or MOS.

As a 68X, or Behavioral Health Specialist, my AIT was supposed to be 16 weeks long.

At this point, you've probably tried to do the math of what my length of training should have been. Entering basic training in late November 2019, I should have finished somewhere near mid-February (we had 2 weeks of break for Christmas block leave), which means my AIT should have ended sometime around the end of June. This is all correct.

Except, my journey didn't go as smoothly as planned.

Around January 16th, about one month to go until graduation, and 3 days after my 27th birthday, I suffered a stress fracture to my left hip, which resulted in being put on a medical profile which limited my activities until I healed. My particular profile was what as known as a "dead man's profile," as I was permitted to do practically nothing which would allow me to complete necessary requirements to graduate throughout the rest of the cycle.

3 months later, I was able to start training again, but instead of starting where I had left off at week 6 of 10, I was forced to start at week 2, since COVID had delayed training cycles for almost a month, and no battery was any further along. I was finally able to graduate at the end of May, and left for AIT at the beginning of June.

Again, because of COVID, I had to wait another month to begin my classes, and ultimately did not graduate until October 23rd. I was processed out and given official leave to return home the next day, nearly a year after first leaving home. Less than a week later, I was driving across country from Pennsylvania to Colorado with my mom, to move my entire life to be closer to my Reserve Unit in Aurora.

One thing to note about this experience is that the person I was in 2019 was not the person I was in 2020 when I was finally able to come home. Altogether, same person underneath, same interest in providing therapy as a mental health counselor (as I had been prior to Army training) but also very different. I had experienced many things in basic training which brought me to face the parts of me I hadn't given much attention to prior and ultimately led to a significant increase in self confidence, greater focus and a courage in general, in terms of how open and intentional I am when showing care and love to others.

(Oh, and also the growth of so many muscles in places I never had muscles before. Truth be told, I still don't know how to use them all!)

So, fast forward to 2021, present day. I have managed to land a job as a mental health therapist, at a company so much like what I have always wanted to be a part of that I half expected it not to exist. I also live in a nice neighborhood, in a good house with a good friend, and the me I was in 2019 very far behind in the rear view mirror. So much so, I often have to reflect extra hard to remember exactly what it was like to be her.

So what more could I possibly want in 2021?

Simply put, I want it all to stay.

Prior to 2020, I lived a life of anxiety, low self confidence, and one of acceptance of circumstances I can no longer even entertain accepting for myself. Now, I speak my heart with confidence and I see my old patterns of self sabotage for what they were. I have forgiven those who have hurt me in the past without feeling the need to have their response or validation in return, because I forgave them for me.

Altogether, I have begun to build a life that I love which loves me back in return, and look at 2021 which hope and determination to keep it. And my plan? Well that is simple too. My plan is to continue to refuse anything which sabotages any opportunity for continued growth, new experiences of myself and who I am, and a continuous pursuit of what makes me feel as loved as I deserve.

And I hope, that, somehow, reading this inspires the same in you too, and that your 2021 is a reflection of the good that 2020 brought to you and a pathway to a future that loves you as much as you deserve.

"Growth is painful. Change is painful. But nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don't belong." -Anonymous