I just need to …

I have always been an advocate for continuous learning, setting goals, having ambitions and working hard to accomplish my dreams, as we all should have dreams to work towards, no matter how big or small. However, over the last few years I have been more receptive to asking, why? What need in me am I trying to fulfil and is this just a temporary fix before moving on to something new to curb my need?

I started questioning how my personal targets, latest hobby horse or new relationship was affecting me on a more profound level and why I felt the need to have that type of focus. What emotional baggage am I carrying?

One thing I have learnt to ask myself is:

Is this healthy and is this realistic?

I try and make a concerted effort to stop and reflect on what makes me happy and strive to embody a grateful attitude for all that I already have in my life. There is still much healing for me to do but I know I am on the right track as I am open to speaking about and questioning my behavior to adjust and reframe my outlook.

Do you believe that the next thing you need to attain will make everything better? Is it a façade for underlying mental health struggles?

Do you find you have this 'I just need to' thought process?

• I just need to get that job.
• I just need to get that car.
• I just need to fall in love.
• I just need to get married.
• I just need to have kids.
• I just need to earn more money.
• I just need to clear that debt.
• I just need to get more sleep.
• I just need to join the gym.
• I just need to eat more healthily.
• I just need to move home.
• I just need to …

If we have this mindset then the truth is there will always be something else we think we need in order to be happy.

Of course, that’s not to say some of these things aren’t necessary in our journey. They absolutely are.

It’s about perspective. It’s treating the fundamental problem that this ‘I just need to’ mindset creates. No matter how many band aids we apply, the wound is still there.

It’s instead, asking:

What is a ‘need’ and what is a ‘want’? Challenge your thoughts.

The need to feel like our happiness is reliant on several factors happening or not happening is setting us up for disappointment. Once we believe that our happiness is not dependent on anything or anyone else, we can then approach obstacles and goals very differently.

We may try and convince ourselves something else needs to happen and then all will be right in the world. We may buy a new car or move home and it provides fleeting reprieve but then it just becomes ‘the car’ or ‘the house’. We then move on to the next thing disregarding the value we place on these good influences in our life. The excitement goes and we're back to feeling like we need that pick me up again. The cycle repeats and nothing has changed, it may have even got worse. We may also have a lot less money and carry a lot more angst.

“Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways”. Sigmund Freud

Trying to understand why there is this void is a challenging process. It comes down to our self worth and exploring what it is that creates the unsettled feelings and emotions in us that have been suppressed.

We may know where these thoughts and feelings come from, a specific trauma experienced, abuse, neglect, addiction or another mental health condition or you may not be aware of why you just don’t feel settled.

In any case, self-exploration and seeking professional help is vital to get to the root of the issue.

Say you did land that great job, fell madly in (reciprocal) love and joined a gym… Once the euphoria passes, you’re once again overwhelmed with a void, a need somewhere in your psyche that is not being fulfilled. You find yourself in a state of perpetual anxiety trying to work out why so many things are right, but you just feel unsatisfied. It could ruin relationships as how authentic are you actually being?

Unhealthy attachments can happen as a result of not addressing underlying issues.

According to attachment theory there are 4 styles:

1. Secure
2. Fearful / anxious
3. Avoidant
4. Fearful-avoidant

To read more about attachment styles please check out this medically reviewed article on BetterHelp by Mary Elizabeth Dean by clicking here.

If you have concerns about attachment styles and identifying if you have an insecure attachment, there is a really useful quiz you can take, which will determine your style and whether you may benefit from therapy.

Seeking professional help is a way we can form a secure attachment and assist our healing journey.

We can focus on the positives and have uplifting days, but it comes back to bite us in the butt if we haven’t addressed the underlying cause for the feelings of disconcertment.

Having a positive attitude is important but not always easy and could also lead to unrealistic optimism.

In July 2020 Science Daily published a study by the University of Bath.

It's time to get real on the power of positive thinking

Positive thinking has long been extolled as the route to happiness, but it might be time to ditch the self-help books after a new study shows that realists enjoy a greater sense of long-term wellbeing than optimists.

This is a really interesting study as being an optimist and having a positive outlook isn't necessarily going to change the outcome - it's being real and managing your expectations.

For instance, I told myself many years ago my ultimate dream was to be a published author and when I reach that goal, I will be happy. Thank you Vocal for helping me along my journey (!) but I know now it is not the quintessence of my personal happiness!

You must never forget the good in your life!

The focus on mental wellbeing is more prevalent than ever in this Covid world. I won’t go into detail with the benefits of meditation, mindfulness, improved sleep, better diet, spending time in nature plus many, many more improvements we could adopt to live a better lifestyle. The resources are all readily available. It’s finding what is right for each of us that we can apply consistently, developing new, healthier habits that aid our healing.

I wrote a short piece ‘Solitude in tulips’. It’s about remaining in the present and how the little things in life provide such pleasure when you open your eyes to the unassuming beauty around you.

It is human nature to focus on the negatives, but we must hold on to all the good we have experienced too! Your mood affects your cognitive process. We have become socially programmed and compare our lives to others or what we believe we need to attain to reach optimal levels of happiness.

Martin Seligman, American Psychologist and founder of Positive Psychology points to five factors as leading to well-being:

1. Positive emotion;
2. engagement;
3. relationships;
4. meaning and purpose;
5. and accomplishment.

Visit Positive Psychology where there are some great free resources and to learn more.

As a field, positive psychology spends much of its time thinking about topics like character strengths, optimism, life satisfaction, happiness, wellbeing, gratitude, compassion (as well as self-compassion), self-esteem and self-confidence, hope, and elevation.

If you take anything away from this post, start a gratitude / thought journal and never forget to celebrate your successes, the good you and those around you do – and remember them.

“The more grateful I am, the more beauty I see” Mary Davis

Healing from past traumas requires patience, understanding, release and acceptance. When we truly allow ourselves to accept we can look at things very differently.

Once we are in love with ourselves, then everything else is a bonus, adding to our happiness, not being the cause for it.

It’s by no means an easy journey to embark upon. There will be setbacks and uncertainty but ultimately it is being at peace with who you are and asking yourself how you really want to live.

Every day is a fresh start.