How to Love Yourself

The empty feeling, the sadness it brings along with it. The image of me floating off to outer space, floating off to blackness, as still as the space holds me, looking at nothing but emptiness. Nowhere to go, no one to find me. Lost and confused. How could that be? That’s ok, I’m comfortable. It’s a comfortable feeling, I finally feel comfortable. But why am I so sad? Why am I so sad when I’m comfortable?

Why does emptiness bring sadness along with it? How do I ask for help when there is no reason I should be feeling like this? No damn reason? I wish somebody was here, to help me understand how I’m feeling, and tell me that I’ll be OK. I want somebody to tell me I’ll be okay. I wish it was back in time when I was happy. There’s no one here that understand me. Lord, please tell me what’s wrong, how can I get away from the empty feeling? I don’t want to feel sad. I want to escape this feeling. Feeling empty, no love, no happiness.

Every day I thought about it. I looked at my phone to distract myself from emptiness. And I saw a lot of people relate to me—at least I’m not alone. I saw inspirational quotes about not giving up, and that if I love myself I won’t have this feeling anymore. I love myself, I love myself, I love myself.

I’m going to bed, thinking about how many people liked my picture. I’m so happy. It could do better. That emptiness feeling is back again. Lord, why am I feeling so empty? Give it all to God. I love myself, I love myself, I love myself. I just wanna float in outer space, going nowhere, look at nothing but emptiness. I guess I should get used, to it and get comfortable. But I’m so sad.

I understand. I know empty. I had no purpose, I lacked consciousness. I loved that feeling. I loved feeling comfort. It was better than nothing. I was floating off to outer space, filling my emotions with sadness, emptiness. Comfortable. Always comfortable, but sadness filled my whole body.

How do people escape this feeling? I don’t know how other people do it, but I did it.

So comfortable

I always looked like this, comfortable. Imagining how my life could have been like if I wasn’t so comfortable. You know, life?

I felt an unhealthy pattern of feeling, and it felt like a drug. A drug I easily got addicted to. Going back to the same feeling was a drug-like use. The more I got into it, the harder it was to get out. Since it took time for me to fall into that, it wasn’t easy to not go back to it. It was a routine. My body had a routine. Like 95 percent of my thoughts today are the same from yesterday. You know—comfortable is good, but not for long. You don’t wanna be stuck there, because there’s no ground to plant a flower to grow.

When I acknowledged that my whole life took my whole damn life to make, and that it’s not going to take a day to uncover everything I went through, it was easier. I know that everything that is great starts with Day one. And day one is usually the realization. My body has been in control this whole time. Looking at myself in the mirror, I imagined that was not me but a human being who hasn’t been happy. What value did this human being have in me? Everything; I control this human being but I haven’t been controlling it the way I wanted. I only have been comfortable, it controlling me.

Tear it all down

This is totally just on my experiences, and if we don’t relate, that’s ok. Because you and I live differently, it won’t be same.

When I was a youngster, I formed this wall in my head, and it helped me block the emotions from being expressed properly. So since it was formed when I was a kid, I didn’t want to learn so much about it, because I didn’t want those emotions to be expressed. The wall of ego and fear. Built brick by brick, blocking my emotions, because I thought they were useless. So I presumed to “control my life” by avoiding emotions. Avoiding going anywhere that would cause me to be uncomfortable.

Cry in front of people? No, that’s embarrassing. I don’t have anything in mind that will make me cry. Because now that’s a backache, literally. A painful memory, if not brought into the mind, expresses the emotions it had along with it. And if not reassured that you are loved by you, it will be a pain in the body, I guess? This is all my guesses from learning a lot for the last few months or so. Since the brain is the center of you—your conscious—it generates information, and your emotions come along with it, because everybody has emotions. You will always have emotions. You’re born with them, and they are telling you, "this is how to cope with this" (during a bad emotional experience). If you don’t, the pain will be moved somewhere, put into your body—now a backache or even pimples! Because the whole body is connected.

The most important part of this is reassuring yourself. Like when I am telling a memory to myself, I express that sadness it has along with it. I tell that emotion, I understand now, I feel it, and it will be okay. Telling myself, I will always, always love you (to me). Unconditional love is a powerful, vibrating emotion that fills in an empty space. Your body depends on you, your mind. If not told by somebody else, who’s going to tell you? Me? I’m not going to be there, that’s why I’m sharing my experience. So it totally sucks to depend on other people to tell you you’ll be ok, because when there’s no one, will you feel lonely? And when you do tell a part of you, that you will always love it, you will feel the self love it brings along with it; contentment. (And it will be so easy to love other people after you love you).

And also, if you have experienced emotional abuse or neglected love by an important person in your life, it could cause you to have bad relationships, because you are attracted to a person who was like this important person in your life (like a parent figure), except that they give you love. And you want all that love. Sometimes, when it doesn’t work out, it’s bad. This helped me understand a lot; I went back to the memories of someone important to me, and I expressed how they made me feel. I cried my whole heart out, I told it, I felt it. I understand it, I will always love it. Now it’s just a memory, all love. I understood that they’re all human, and they don’t understand themselves, so they don’t understand anything. I didn’t blame them—there should be no place to blame. They had no intention of bringing an emotional memory. Simply move on. It is what it is. Forgive them, and forgive yourself that you held on to it for so long.

Ego will be on the way, for sure. There will be information in your head that tells you the shameful stuff you did. Bring them out into the mind, even though it makes you feel ashamed of it, that’s ok. There is no one else in your head, except you. Tell yourself that it’s ok; we’re human. And if it has emotions with it, express them. You will let it all go, as soon as you express it, even in a notebook. It will help tear that ego down. Ego is poison.

Limitless

How to get to the memories that made a bad impact on me was uncomfortable, but so worth it. In fact, I went back to an emotional memory to describe how I felt back then, and then I needed a massage. But it relieved my back that I made peace with painful memories, because they’re no longer painful. And since there is nothing there, I put in unconditional love.

It’s about concentration; when you watch basketball, you concentrate on the game, and you learn some moves. Or you concentrate on a movie, and you learn about the movie. Now, concentrate your mind on the feeling of your head. That’s your brain, do you know what goes on in there? But if there's distraction, create a place where you can concentrate. Close your eyes, take a deep breath, focus on your head, your body. Acknowledge you are connected to your brain. Ask, “what is making me feel this way?” There will be a dialogue in your head that you should listen to, let yourself answer your question.

And when you’re experiencing emotionally intense events in your life, you can do the practice right after it happened. Express it, and let it go. If you have a significant other, you can totally tell them. Or, since I’m still tearing down my ego, I like to write them in my journal. Not that I have a significant other.

It will take time, not every memory is going to appear at the same time. The practice is the journey. You are uncovering yourself, you are exposing yourself to you. No one but you in your mind. This is how you start to know you. And if you put love, that is how you love yourself. Take a deep breath to go further into your head. Make sure you are concentrated on the feelings in your head, ask, what is making you feel this way? You will learn that this is important in growing. It’s cool to know a lot about the outside world, like school. But understanding yourself, and managing your emotions is pretty tight, it gives you a blossoming skin, and lots of love.

Recording your journey will let you understand more about yourself. I mean write it in a journal, or on your phone or something. It’s an option.

This is essential to growing. Especially if you don’t express your emotions. Especially if you feel lost, if you feel empty, purposeless. Finding myself made me feel like this is a new beginning. I’m planting a tree. I found the ground.

And since I practiced this, I now understand what God means to love yourself first, because to be able to love unconditionally, you must love yourself. It will be easier to express your love to your friends and family when you do. Contentment and thankfulness. It takes time but by day 100 you will probably be full of love. There will be days you don’t feel like helping yourself but that’s ok. Take a break, it’s exhausting sometimes because the mind can handle so much.

It is like a training to staying open. Heal. Learn.

Thank you, Lord.