How Spending Time Alone Helped Me Overcome My Loneliness

"When you're lonely when you're alone, you have bad people." ~ Jean-Paul Sartre

I have spent most of my life surrounded by people, which is probably why I never realized I was lonely. For most of my adult life, the only peaceful moments I have had were the beginning and the end of the day. Other than that, my mind was filled with conversation, notifications, and distractions.

This constant noise allows me to hide the depths of my loneliness. I was constantly bombarded with texts and distractions, but I had deep connection. As the years pass and I get busy and busy, I have found that I have actually taken steps to reduce my time alone. I would watch TV until I fell asleep; I started checking my work emails in the morning.

Looking back, the situation was clear - I was afraid of being alone with my thoughts - but at the time, I just thought I was producing, or I just didn’t like being bored.

I didn’t realize my problem until my laptop suddenly broke down. One cold afternoon, as I curled up on the couch, ready for the New Girl, she was suddenly empowered, and I faced my sign on a dark screen. My phone did not work.

Without interruption, work, or social media filled my mind, I suddenly realized that, in spite of all my work and invitations, I was very lonely. And that would make me very sad without realizing it.

That afternoon, I discovered that I was afraid of being alone. I looked at my relationship with myself and found it was not there.

The prospect of staying in my company terrified me so much that it moved me to action. I found myself well able to fill my mind with conversation, not knowing who I was when I was alone. I was one of many Americans who spend more than five hours a day on their phones, according to a 2017 State of Mobile report — you’ve never really been alone. But I didn't know how to start a little lonely.

I didn't want to depend on others, so I made plans to build a relationship with myself.

I decided then and there to remember my own time alone. First, I found out what space I have for myself. Then I realized that I find it very difficult to be alone all the time. In the end, I chose the obstacles.

That left me with a solid three-point plan: I had three lumps in the afternoon when I could spend time alone. My morning and evening hours were shaking me. And my phone was the main driver by blocking me from my goals.

My plan would be to have three stages of solitude: working time alone, time meditation, and time to do something that does not involve the screen. But before I could do anything about it, I had to remove the biggest obstacle: my phone.

Although it kept me connected to the world, it was holding me back from building deeper relationships with myself. I realized I was using it a lot in the morning and in the evening, so I invested in an old watch and decided on a strict rule-no-screens-after-9: 00pm.

Usually, my morning started with me staring at my phone notifications. Instead, I got up and walked for 15 minutes in my neighborhood. At first, it was boring - I was so anxious to be distracted. But the more I did, the more I found myself able to see the songs of the birds, thinking about my plans for the day, revealing the disturbed feelings of yesterday, and looking forward to my first cup of coffee.

I also worked on meditation for five minutes. At the time, meditation was new to me, so I realized that five minutes would be short enough for me to start the habit. I quickly realized that I needed to invest in an app to do guided meditation, which helped me a lot to stay flexible and get real benefits from it.

Eventually, I was able to fill the evenings with reading and painting. Both of these tasks are done manually, which means I could not monitor my phone while I was doing it. I was able to find my love of books, and while I was not very good at painting, the process of producing portable art helped close the gap in the evening when I used to access my phone.

Studies show that loneliness can be harmful to your physical and emotional well-being, but you do not have to look outside to cure your loneliness.

All my behavioral changes point to one last conclusion: You cannot depend on others to make you feel better about yourself. Learning righteousness and solitude were crucial in my journey with myself. You can't start working on real relationships with others until you have a strong relationship with them.

For me, it took one important moment to bring home the reality of the situation. From there, I need to work hard on my own time - not the time without other people, but the time without distractions, notifications, calls, or emails.

The only time was mine.

In the end, it took a hold. I tried to do it with my phone, but seeing that it was impossible, I removed it. At first I tried to walk for half an hour, but the time to walk on any devices pressed me. When I first started meditating, I thought I could do it without the app, but I found myself either depressed by patterns of bad thoughts or falling asleep.

My point is, I didn't get it right on the first try. The most important thing to me was that time of fulfillment. From there, I was able to keep trying until I found ways that worked for me. The results were amazing over time. I have a better image, and I have found that my relationships with others have improved.

Because I am committed to empathizing with my feelings instead of sinking into the blurring of notices and escaping, overall, I am more present and self-aware than before, which helps keep me more receptive and focused. These days, when things get tough — and that happens, as part of the inevitable part — I can paint in my parks and go with the flow.

It was uncomfortable, it was hard, it was annoying, but it really was a bee