Here’s What Moves the Needle of Happiness

“The quality of life is the quality of your relationships.”–Tony Robbins

I must have had a premonition on New Year's Eve 2020 because I refused to set any goals. I wanted to let the forthcoming year expand in front of me like a mapless adventure without a set of demands to adhere to that I'd written on 1st January, constraining me for the 12 months.

Do you think somehow I sensed the world was about to flip upside down for the first time in forever?

Whatever the reason for my hesitation, I sure didn't end up alone having a goal-less and aim-less 2020. Everyone scrapped their plans. But here's the weird thing: Those I spoke to about it seemed, well, happy they had to ditch their plans. Things could wait. Goals could wait. It all felt less important in the context of a pandemic.

During lockdown, I listened to a podcast where the host guiltily confessed he’d been the happiest in years. I too felt guilty for the same reasons. Was I allowed to feel at peace when the world was in crisis? And another, more pertinent question kept bothering me:

If I was fine with all my plans being put on hold, did I even want those plans, anyway?

I’m not romanticising the pandemic, I lost my job in the tsunami of change it brought with it, but the truth is I hated that job and now I’m poorer but happier. Was that the same for you? Why are so many people fine with letting go of their goals, losing their jobs, letting their careers go?

What’s going on? If goals don’t make us happy, what does?

Here's what happiness might be made of...

The pandemic meant our income dropped, but so did our expenses. Our social lives reduced, but so did our social pressures. Goals became redundant, but so were everyone's at the same time.

For each thing the pandemic took, it left a vacuum in its place and for the first time in forever, we were all able to just be.

We could finally be present in our relationships, present for family life, present for the day-to-day activities that instead of a sideshow became the main event.

Gardening was in. Rushing around on trains and buses was out.

The pandemic removed the guilt of slacking off. Suddenly, it didn’t feel like the world was going to roar past you in a billow of smoke if you took a day or a week off. No one was roaring past anyone.

The galvanising effect of change and uncertainty worked its magic. Gratitude went up. Time together went up. Relationships were strengthened as we leaned on the ones we love the most. Goals got pushed aside as serious shit went down and what really mattered came into sharp focus.

You only really appreciate what you have if you think there’s a chance you might lose it.

Look, this isn't a love letter to a worldwide pandemic, it's panning for gold in a muddy river. I'm aware lockdown wasn’t good for everyone; I had friends who lived by themselves for months. One friend celebrated his 40th birthday over Zoom, alone. Globally, domestic abuse went up, suicide went up. Alcoholism went up.

Lockdown amplified living situations tenfold. If relationships were bad, they got worse. If loneliness was a factor, it got worse. If drinking was a problem, it got worse.

But for those lucky enough to be on a steady boat, lockdown and the pandemic brought with it a sense of community previously lost to technology, long commutes, desk-bound jobs, and endless social engagements.

The Dalai Lama said:

“We are human beings, not human doings.”

I know that’s an overused line, but there isn’t a better way to describe it. We suddenly didn’t need goals because everyone stopped trying to score.

Isn’t that remarkable?

Goals then, aren't the be-all-and-end-all of happiness, they don’t move the needle as much as we thought, not as much as relationships, as love, as connection. This should have been obvious but whose to-do list contains any of these actions? Crazy!

It’s sure been a strange time; challenging and upsetting of course, but the positives are there. It’s OK to admit it, to see them, to feel them. In fact, it's our duty to recognise how we adapted and adjusted during this experience. It's a way to know ourselves, understand and gain insights into how we work. It's an opportunity to change our to-do lists, our ambitions, our drive to focus on friends, family and being more present.

I didn’t set any goals for 2020 and I sure haven't set any for 2021. I’m going by feeling, by intuition, as the world opens back up, as "reopening anxiety" comes knocking on the door.

Still, if we can be happy without goals when no one is running, why can’t we do the same when the race starts over?

This might sound like idealistic nonsense, and perhaps it is, but all I know is being more present and spending more time with those you love seems to bring joy. Perhaps we should pay attention to that feeling and try to remember it when the world starts spinning once more.