Guide Me Back - Forever There

“You’ve both had a few good days.”

One sentence that held so much.

One of those that holds so much it halts you, in that moment with it all. And even when you do move, even if not yet to respond but to take it with you.

It’s half term, me and my five-year-old daughter are enjoying easy-going days filled with a gentle joy, compared to a time when mere moments like it were fleeting, at best.

Yet once before it was all we knew, it was us. We had such a gentle and natural rhythm between us, a content harmony that would see us through days, not just moments, mostly, with an uninterrupted ease. Something I'd see in others, be envious of even before my girl came along. Now, being blessed with us, its surreal, to even be able to put into words. But then we came under threat.

It’s not easy to know or pinpoint what went wrong, when or how perhaps it was many factors, or if there is blame.

We have always had our own bubble of bliss, right from knowing she existed. We have naturally been at our best when it was just us.

We’re also fire and water signs – not something I’d given much heed to any significance, yet astronomy could certainly be onto something. There could be so, so many influences in the mix. Any wonder there can be a feel of overwhelm? Anyway, any parent-child relationship at any stage brings both terribly beautiful yet terribly chaotic moments. It’s all so beautifully delicate and so, precious. Yet, one of the most powerful relationships I’ve known.

Is it a win for a parent when you can teach your mini human a positive lesson while not sabotaging your bond? – Behavioural energy redirected, lesson learned, relationship not only saved but thriving? That’s not just a win, that’s the dream.

Captaining each little battle, nullifying each potential meltdown with negotiating skills that would have any world leader envious.

They’re the daily wins, perhaps I took them for granted or didn’t cherish enough. Words from a dear, dear lost friend, a mam – “cherish every moment, each and every one.” Is this a lesson to cherish even the chaotic? I wouldn’t say I took for granted or didn’t cherish, I was caught in a bliss bubble, completely spun so and in the best ways possible, right from knowing she existed.

Yet now, I pray for such days – “Dear Lord, grant me the grace, patience, gentleness and forgiveness you taught with, you lead with. See me/us through each moment of today with your guidance. Amen”

In hindsight, now, that forgiveness isn’t just asked for me to forgive the bairns little wrong doings. She’s just learning, we both are.

When I let the ostensible ambush from outside, or interpreted it like an ambush, crumble me. The bliss bubble would deflate; she’d lose so much of her mam.

This past year or so my partner has exposed it’s been this way the majority of the time he has known us. Exposing another reality blown – necessarily. Yet, am I not tormenting myself enough? I’d give her less free reign, be quicker to correct her, quicker to resort to shouting and scolding. Mostly preoccupied or looking to be than with her first. Gentle parenting or prayers for such not even regarded. Well, yes, there was some awareness, but I felt that hopeless any alternative was too far out of reach.

No wonder we both feel lost and confused – what happened to me?

Apart from the occasional age and developmental stage related limit testing or boundary pushing wee gremlin moments, her not me this time, and perhaps the even more occasionally explosive tantrums. Yes, apart from these, as likely most kids, she’s beautiful. I don’t just mean that in the biased and boasting mother sense, others who know her will and do say the same.

Even outside of family, she has a wonderful relationship with her teacher - parents will likely dread a few teacher farewells, come each summer, throughout the school years, this one will be a biggy – of who has helped is just as wonderfully, many times.

Our girl is true to herself in both this world and her own little one, for this alone the pride skyrockets. She’s always been so sociable and will approach with kindness and warmth, she beats me at it at times; we not long had a last-minute call out to a couple of our oh so wonderful gentlemen in the family to help move out our old washing machine ready for the new. The little lamb beat me to gracious hospitality – solely her own – right up to them, innocent as doves (they have their moments) “would you like a drink?”

She will initiate love and affection so often, both spoken and physically, besides any that may have been encouraged polite returns.

What makes the beauty in her all the more magical – her timing. Me and my partner were floored with one of those awful viruses earlier in the year. Thankfully it somehow didn’t touch our girl. We joked she took after her Nana in having inherited her nursing genes. That “innocent as doves” attentiveness and care she gave floored me in a whole new way, as if it could heal.

This is our half term, this is us now. Sometimes it can feel, especially around the time of “you’ve both had a few good days”, that after one weak moment – a raised voice instead of gentle reasoning, the threat of a spiral will then on lie in wait. Like the devil mocking, praying, waiting in your shadow. Waiting for the prime time to take you, one more bite of protest that could result in a battle of wills. A battle a risk of losing this time. It wasn’t until our man came home, I felt I was winning, perhaps lots of small wins, the threat was the, the shadows were real, they stayed only in the shadows. Even that natural harmony growing back, seeing us through. I don’t know if it is because he has become my safe space and with sensing the threat I could finally succumb to the fear and fall apart a little bit. But he is here to save me from being lost to the shadows completely.

For me to be able to say, perhaps not even out loud, “we have had good days, but this one has been much harder, let me feel it, learn but please guide me back.” Sometimes even just knowing he sees both and moves with me ready to be whatever I need, or at least simply tries to, is everything in just that. He is an earth sign to our fire and water too.

What counts to me now is the recognition, then acknowledgment and then, the beautiful comeback. Our bliss bubble just got that bit extra floaty magic. That makes me think of the song I used to sing to her right from when our bubble grew, the song is La La Lu from Lady And The Tramp. I still do sing it on occasion. Perhaps it could be something that will always bring us back, I think I may now vow to sing it at bedtime, at the end of those harder days – to remind both of us.

Not just the song but all of it is why our love, our bond is unconditional. It’s always there. She’s always there, in ways I never expected, in ways I never thought possible.

I am humbled and grateful for the ever so embracing yet gentle overwhelm of peace with this journey and its wins - feeling such, when returning to me, to her to us shows me what we have others may only dream of, I know that.

Nothing might not change at least not overnight, or everything will or new ways of the days being harder at times may task us but we will learn to command those better and return quicker to our Bliss Bubble, stay longer, forever there.

Even in the few days it has taken to write this, yes days, it has been half term after all, we have still done better than how some full weeks could be. If that’s one small win from all of this – its my almighty one.

And (so maybe here’s the winners podium again) there has been a new dynamic to juggle, we haven’t had to open up to balancing a new routine of me working again in some time. I’ll take that one too, thank you kindly.

A couple of sweet anecdotes to part with…. The reference to gremlins earlier brought about a funny moment along with this piece. I was sat with my partner whilst scribbling away and asked, giving him zero context – “it is gremlins I’m thinking of that change to the crazed creatures when fed after midnight?” (it was of course the reference to the creature’s behaviour and not feeding my child at midnight I was getting to with this). Anyway, a good while later, he returns his own question “so what you writing about, gremlins?” I guess in a way I was, but who was the true gremlin?

We have this sweet habit of calling for one another, wait for them to respond curious “what?” “yeah?” to then answer with “I love you”. I did it this morning with my girl, called her name but she answered straight with “I love you”. She knows, we know.

Every small thing about her is the greatest win.