Feeling lost in a big world of expectations

My Life didn’t turn out the way I planned. I look at my peers and I compare myself to them. Here I am without the social expectations of what’s normal for my age. I’m 43 and I’m still waiting for my turn. I want the marriage and the lifestyle to go with it, but for whatever reason I was chosen to create my own path. I didn’t have a baby, or stay in a marriage, or even in relationship, I’ve gone job to job wondering why can’t I be like him or her who has the life I want. As much as I wanted to fit in, I had to bush wack my own path while I watched others sail past me in their fancy cars with two kids and a dog.

What I learned about why I my path was set out differently may shed some light. I share this article in hopes to band together us bush wackers in life as a group and not as loner black sheep. Although black sheep are pretty cool.

Where I Started

I started to look at why I was living my life the way I was. Actually more like forced to look at it. I had hit rock bottom. My ex was abusive and kicked me out of his house, 10 days later fired me from his business ( only because he was mad). In a moments notice I lost my home, my partner, my extended step family and job.

So this is what the day of reckoning looks like. Honestly folks, no choice in the matter I had to take a deep look at this. This was the worse but not the first time devastating crap happened to me. I have had years of abusive relationships, jobs I hated, health conditions and just hard stuff.

To help myself, I went to therapy for over a decade off and on, studied buddism, practiced yoga, meditation and learned energy healing. Through this path this is what I discovered. To note, I hope that this will help you fast track your way instead of a long journey swimming up stream and feeling totally lost like I did.

The Following are the questions I asked to uncover the life patterns and to move forward

Have you ever looked at where you come from? What was your childhood like? Who raised you? What were they like? I ask these questions because this is a huge factor in our patterns we make later on in life. I know you said you’d never be like your dad..... and all of a sudden you notice you are following similar patterns. You may also notice that your siblings took a different life, keep in mind we are all influenced and imprinted on differently , even though we come from the same house.

I’ll share mine as an example. I also used to say I’ll never be like my mom, and I become very close to her patterns. I grew up in a conditioning from an alcoholic mentally sick parent, this imprinted on me and affected the rest of my life. Until I did the work and discovered the rooted conditions that cause so many toxic cycles in my life in all areas. So as I went through life wondering why I am not normal it wasn’t my fault. Just like it’s not yours.

So if you are that lovely beautiful human who hasn’t found their path, maybe single, job to job, bad relationships know that you’re not alone and don’t beat yourself up about it. Until you discover the patterns of conditioning the cycles may repeat. It’s important todo intergrated work, ask the questions, and wherever it leads you ( which is usually a parent, or someone who parented you ) imprinted you. When you’re there forgive them, forgive yourself and let go of whatever it is with love. Then from here begin a new way of thinking around your life or maybe one area of your life.

I’ll use myself as an example and one area In my life I want to change. My mom was often in toxic relationships. She would be with men she’d hope could financially support her and love her. Often they fell short and would be alcoholics and abusive. She would often be in despair and would cling to us kids to help her when things didn’t work, which was often. She couldn’t stand on her own feet financially and her only way was finding this through a man. Do note she was fully capable, She was smart, educated, charming, and big hearted. Here’s the thing she didn’t believe she could. Fast forward to future self. I followed these exact patterns. I did not share her abuse with alcohol or drugs, but I kept selecting men who had substance abuse problems and were emotionally abusive. I also felt I couldn’t financially support myself and stand on my own two feet without a man doing this for me. I felt I wasn’t worthy deep down and would select the same type of man over and over. This is probably more like two areas of my life. Relationships and Money.

So I started to do the work. I went to EMDR Counselling to help get there. I was at EMDR also because I was traumatized from my ex abuse partner who had just thrown me out of the house. So I knew I needed to find out what was in me that created this. I sat there and did the work and there it was. After that I cried and cried not because I was sad but because I was relieved to discover this hidden dark pattern that I so badly wanted to change. I had been listening to Loiuse Hay, a beautiful women and self healer and one who speaks of healing yourself. She spoke about this type of healing in her audio book (click link in her name) The one I mentioned above about doing the integrated work and then forgiving. This was the work I did to set myself free. I first forgave myself for being so darn hard on myself, for putting myself in harmful situations, for not knowing my worth. Then I forgave my mom, I forgave her for not knowing how to support herself, for finding poor relationships that were harmful to her, for her clinging to me as a kid to help her. I forgave her and then let it go with love. Here I began a new relationship with men and money.

It takes work and lots of mindfulness to change old ways. But the first step is to find it and forgive it.

Peace and blessings.