"Demons"

Today I encountered my darkness.

I have held on to pain for years because I have never given my(self) the chance to embrace it. I have held on to parts of my being that I truly despised because I feared becoming them. Luckily, I have made it to a space where I refuse to hate ANY part or aspect of my(self) and my experience.

No moment can define me. No moment can define you. We are children of the infinite universe. We are products of countless moments. Every one of which culminates to SHAPE you. Just water shaping the rock.

I lost my innocence around 8 years old. Honestly, I have no idea when because I have locked this time period of my life away in my mind. Then I drowned it with alcohol and confusion.

I had always been an amorous and affectionate kid. I would walk down the street and say hi to everyone. I would play with everyone and make sure everyone had a good time. I truly loved all my friends and didn't understand any other way to be. My best friend at this time was my cousin. Easily the most fun I had was being around him. I didn't understand negativity back then because I honestly was never around it. I never experienced it because I was pretty sheltered from it (Shoutouts to amazing parents.) Strangely enough, I still had the ability to understand right from wrong.

There were days when my cousin would want to do things that I understood as bad. Literally one of those people that you chill with that seems to only want to test the limits of what they can get away with.

Ohhhhh, bro let's steal money outcho mom's purse!

NIGGA YOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUU steal money out YOOOOO mom purse.

I would never participate in what I knew was wrong. I would never participate in what I understood was not ok. That was all until I had no idea what was right or wrong. Until the moment where being a child who loves his friends "has to show" how much he loves his friends.

We slept 3 to a bed and I felt like I had no escape. I didn't understand if anything I did when the lights went out was ok, but I knew I didn't want to lose my best friend. I knew for a fact that something was wrong. Everything felt the same as when I got in trouble, so I know something was wrong. So I kept my mouth shut. I kept my mouth shut for a time period where sadly, as a man, I can say I couldn't calculate.

The fun seemed to stop. The fun seemed to always get uncomfortable. I found myself hating him every time someone would say they were coming over.

Do you know when I actually found out what was happening to me? At elementary school in 3rd grade. I still remember this so clearly because it was easily the most terrifying thing I ever experienced.

Because I was never introduced to negativity, I didn't know any bad words, or anything outside of the children's bible for that matter. At school, I had this one friend that would be the most fun to crack jokes with. He was fun, I was funny, it worked. We would come up with the funniest shit at other peoples expense, (we all have that asshole stage, don't judge.) Pimple face, cone head, chicken butt. The works, we were comedians.

One day he comes up and calls some one "a gay ass nigga." Apparently he learned curse words from his brother yesterday.

I asked him,

"WHOAAA bro what words are those."

He answered cooly like he was showing off a new toy,

"OH these, these are just curse words bro. Haven't you heard?"

I proceeded to ask him what they meant, and that's when my life (warning: cliche coming) turned upside down. I watched in horror as I faked a smile. He fully described what my cousin was aiming to do every night he would ask for his favors. He spoke of sex, and I felt I had it without knowing.

Lets bring this whole thing to a circle.

I am in the third grade.

I don't even understand curse words yet.

I've been having experiences with my cousin and felt terrified about it.

I JUST Understood those experiences as gay sex, in a third grade classroom.

I just hope you feel the levels of internal embarrassment I felt when I had to fake laugh at the joke while feeling and discovering it was about me.

This is something that I have held on for years. This is something that I allowed to hold my being back because I felt it defined me. I was a loving child who ended up getting taken advantage of. I was a child who internalized that moment and did my own share of damage from the confusion. I have spent countless nights just trying to understand who I was because of my sexual experiences. Sadly some of which were at a age to young to understand. I have even fallen in-love with women and dreaded the child in me taking over and I magically land in a gay club.

The amazing part about this whole experience is I appreciate EVERY LAST part of it.

Without being blessed with this experience, I would not have embraced every single person as I do. I respect every struggle of the LGBTQ community. I understand fearing to be yourself because your told it is wrong. I understand trying to hide your love. I understand feeling ashamed of something you know you love. These are gifts to my life. These are gifts of understanding. Gifts I would have never received without my "dark" experiences. Gifts I would never receive living my life as a straight man.

My life is a gift. My experience is a gift. No moment in my experience can define me. Every moment in my experience is meant for me.

The best part of harboring this understanding as a straight male, is I get to be a voice on the other side. I have the blessing of helping people understand that no one should be judged for who they are attracted to.

My wife said something that really resonated with me.

We are here as infinite beings of love sharing a human experience. We are beings that are attracted to our mates by their souls. A soul can come in any form. Whether man, woman, or transgender. We have no right to judge people on what form their soul attracts. The bodies are temporary, the love is forever.

I love every part of you. I love the parts you don't accept. I love the parts that you don't want to tell anyone about. I love every last particle of your being.

THE ONLY WAY I WILL STOP LOVING YOU, is if you take you away from me. NEVER STOP BEING YOU. EXACTLY HOW YOU ARE. EXACTLY HOW YOU SEE FIT. You are perfect. I love you.

Hotep.