Chronic

I feel like I'm stuck.

I don't feel particularly bad, but I don't feel good, either.

I talk to a lot of people who feel the same.

I don't wish for many things, but something I've always wanted is to be healthy and happy for a long period of time. Those two almost never coincide for me, but I want them to.

You can create a space for yourself to feel these things; I firmly believe that, but you have to be in the right frame of mind. One second I feel motivated, just like now as I type this up, but it fades fast. I get a moment of peace, and it's ruined by my stomach or my head. Both of them hurt often.

I could eat better, hydrate more. I lay down too often, and that affects my back. I feel like I've had a hard day's work when I first wake up. I can hardly get rest. If I get two or three nights of good sleep in a row, it's a miracle.

I think about all the worst things for my mental health, and when I say think, I mean worry. These thoughts span from money problems all the way to my existence in this universe, and all of the other painful things that I will never know the answer to.

I do this to myself, but I can't stop. I don't know how to control it. It infects my life.

I want to disinfect it.

I want to learn how to take care of myself. I want to be able to stand up without feeling dizzy and spend a day away from home without being exhausted. I want to charge up my batteries, social, physical, and emotional so that I'm not taxed by every little thing that happens to me.

I'd love to exercise, but I say this every year. Maybe this time I'll actually do it.

That's another thing, I want to finish what I start. I want to begin a project, complete it, and love it by the end. I have so many ideas that I'd love to put out into the world, and to see one come to fruition would be exciting for me.

The root of my problem is my lack of sleep. I feel sick because I only managed a few hours. Then I don't want to do anything because I feel groggy all day. Some of the only times I feel awake are late at night, and so I try to take advantage of those precious hours. It's a curse, though, because then the cycle repeats and I feel awful again the next day.

I want to rest my body so that it can do what I want it to.

I want to rest my mind, as well, so that I have the mental strength to follow through.

I need to give myself breaks so I can stop stressing. I need to trust that it will all work out.

I need to not be afraid of failure! I need to want to live again, instead of just letting my days pass me by.

I'm getting older, and that's a scary thought. I'm entering a new decade, my twenties, where the course of my life is probably going to get decided. I want to approach them with excitement, rather than the fear I feel. Even if I'm scared, I want to look forward to new experiences and journeys.

I want to fall asleep at night knowing I've had a fulfilling day. Honestly, I think that might make it a bit easier.

There aren't many things I want for the new year. I want to be happy and healthy, like most people.

But more than anything, I want to be able to fall asleep a year from now, at the end of 2022, and look back at four seasons of happiness, success, and love for all the things around me. I want to love the life I live more than anything.

When I lay my head down one year from now, I want to fall asleep with a smile, and wake up refreshed, knowing I'm about to start another year that will be full of happiness, as well.

I want to break my cycle and enter a new one, one where I get up with the sun in earnest, and I fall asleep with the moon feeling satisfied, content, and excited to do it all over again.