Can we really get out of the comparison game?

The answer is NO.

Social media among so many things actually ended up narrowing our perspectives.

Today, beauty is only about perfection - sunlit blemish free face, hourglass figure and a lifestyle to die for. A happy life is all about having it all - picture perfect parties, couple are completely in love doing Instagram reels with their in-law and cooking Pinterest worthy dishes looking like a supermodel. Let me stop myself before I get started with their travel stories.

None of these influencers are advising me that this is the way I should be living. They are not laughing at my goofy smile with a plate pancakes dripping with maple syrup or my own travel photos where I looked tanned and dehydrated and yet smiling like I own the world.

Then why on earth is it killing so much?

Only last week I was sulking for hours seeing at a particular profile. It was of a gorgeous mom turned influencer with two glorious angels for children. She looked like she just came out of a vogue photoshoot in every single post. There was no sign of imperfection but look at me - 30, single, struggling with weight, negligible dating life and searching for my tv remote while sitting on it.

I am an incredibly insecure person and have constantly been one.

In school, I loved being recognized as the intelligent one and worked super hard to make it my identity. I assumed that all the pretty girls were basically dumb, most of the wealthy children won’t work hard and I used to tell myself that my identity was knowledge and not looks. Then came high school where I moved to a different school. The school topper was dropped off in different fancy cars by her dad daily. She was kind, hardworking, loved by all and truly beautiful.

This was an example of perfect people I’ll keep meeting in my life. Guys who had it all and of course would not look at someone like me. Girls who got all the attention, can dance like divas and ace their exams equally well. This was all injustice to me. This self-loathing slowly brewed into anger. Anger towards my parents, my own inability and my imperfect body.

Living in a brutal society did not help either.

constant complexion comparison, statements like “you will look pretty if you lose weight”, “so don’t you guys own a car”, ”you have a darker tone compared to your sister” remarks, made it worse.

I was not doing bad for myself. I enjoyed studying, learnt what I loved to do, had my hit and misses and entered a career that I like doing. Yet, I knew deep down I was never good enough and there are people who are easily better than me. In every way possible.

I simply loved attention and adoration from all and I wanted it constantly. I wanted that reassurance that I was okay from outside. Yes, that’s outer validation and I don’t have to stress what an obsession that could become.

So I changed. I was known for being stern, the rule book who knows nothing better than studying. I started being extra funny and let me tell you the easiest way to make people laugh - make yourself the butt of jokes.

I was okay with people calling me clumsy and weird because atleast I was becoming approachable and getting attention. I put away my work. I choose gossiping with people a little longer, going out of the way to help them. I just wanted to be liked, at any cost. I stopped studying as hard as I did previously because inwardly I can make people not feel insecure around me. It seemed to work. I was dying each day with each self joke, with wasting time and I ended up in years of severe depression.

Today, after taking up therapy and taking a step back, I am a little better. I am conscious I was all that and I have it in me nonetheless.

I did take some actions and worked on changing my perspective that helped me a lot.

Practising Empathy

This is an extension of “Do not compare your behind the scenes with someones highlight reels” idea. Just taking a step into their journey.

This incredibly amazing influencer who is making me super insecure should have had a journey of ups and downs like mine may be worse. It would have taken a lot of struggle, tears or support for her to be here and she is working daily. Editing her videos, getting the best angle, sponsors, a team, maintaining her diet and weight. Maybe she has the mine and people but consistency is tough people.

She is not that post or her account with millions of followers alone, like me she is also the efforts behind it, a complete package - a human.

Now can I wish her well and hope she stays successful?

Maybe this time I can.

Ask yourself the uncomfortable questions

If there was no social media at all (like early 2000’s) would I still be comparing myself with people?

ans: yes.

Am I sometimes doing this to procrastinate my work because I believe that no matter what I do I would never level up?

ans: (gulp) yes.

Am I wasting my time on these feelings instead of doing something for my happiness because my idea of fun is not Instagrammable?

ans: a resounding yes.

You get the drill. Get to the root of the issue.

It could be fear and plain excuses to holding us back. Truth be told, we can’t work on our fear or growing our self worth by thinking on it but only by taking measured actions.

I did push myself to paint and the results were not that bad. I enjoyed it.

Ultimately, I realised that these apps did bring a lot more evidence (day after day) to validate me but yes, being humans we are never not comparing and THAT IS OKAY.

Listen to yourself

Counter-intuitively , taking a pause from reading up advice and cutting out the noise helped me immensely. Being bombarded with pictures, messages and stories of love, motivation, relationship goals, career goals aspiration we forget that what we want - These images of perfection might not be them.

Once I started taking up digital detox regularly and resorted to writing down my thoughts on a consistent basis I realised that I was (surprise!) happy.

I wanted to write, spend a lot of time with my puppies and work on my technical skills and improve my body strength- Not impossible.

It dawned on me that hourglass figure aspiration was just my another strategy to fit in, I loved strength training instead. I was able to work with a lot more focus and spent less time feeling helpless and unworthy.

Knowing the truth

Nobody cares as much as we think we do.

What matters here is just seeing to that our actions are in alignment with who we are.

To have a self check-in if our goals are ours by give ourselves permission to hear what we actually want. Let the world not decide it always.

We will keep comparing till the end. The trick is keeping it aside and happily doing things that matter to us and make us who we are.

Maybe that is part of being human.