Between Realities

Disclaimer: It has been 5 years since I wrote this. I had just birthed my son and returned to work. Fast forward to now... It has gotten better. I'm not 100 percent myself but with a lot of work and support from my family I am still on the mend. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

"What was your first month like as a new mom?" A coworker asked me as I was explaining to her about my birthing experience. She has a month to go and I can tell her mind is spinning with so many emotions.

I looked her in the eyes and I saw the excitement. I saw the anticipation and even hints of the fear that all of us new moms have. The fear of inadequacy. The small hints of anxiety when you realize you will have an actual human being depending on you for the next 18+ odd years of their life. 

How could I tell her? How, in good conscience could I say it was all a blur. It was a bad Experience. I never bonded with my baby like all of the other moms seem to do. 

   I just looked at her and responded with a smile... "It was a blur because you're so busy but it was wonderful. You will look back and love every moment!" I gave her the same response that I get from new moms that I've talked to. All of them after they had their babies seem to have received the things I've been lacking. All of the joy and connection that I have heard so many feel after there birthing experience I have yet to feel... even now. My mind seems to race with questions consisting of Why the hell do people continue to have kids? Was I not made out for this? Why do I still feel this way? Why don't I want to take care of my baby? None of these feelings are normal.  Especially me feeling this way when my baby is three months old. Life has started to continue as it always has before but I feel completely trapped. I've lost myself and I've lost the one thing that I've always had control over. My mind. 

   It spins and tears itself apart by all of the thoughts, and questions that I always seem to have. The peaceful has become peace less and the hopeful hopeless. There is no worse feeling in the world then the weight of feeling negatively about your baby, recognizing that feeling, and not being able to change those emotions. I am the worse mom that I can be because of the way I feel. I know I am because it inhibits my ability to care for the people that need me most. 

    I know what some are already thinking reading this... "It can't be that bad." "It's just hormones." Maybe even some are judging me for not being able to move past this. I've gotten the "just move past it" response. Even the "continue to live your life it will eventually get better" answer. Maybe  they are right. I may move past this, but I may not. I have never been the person to struggle with any type of anxiety problem. 

   I'm the head strong and stubborn type. I always rise above challenges and face them head on. I seem to find myself so tired lately. I seem to want to put more blame on myself than it's worth. Thankfully the people around me have been very encouraging and helpful. But I do know that one day they will be tired of my whining, depression, and lack of joy. I know this because I would be tired of it also. No one wants to be surrounded by people with no joy in there lives.  

   I'm sorry that this blog post won't have a happy ending. It won't have a I survived and moved on message. That's because I haven't yet. I'm still struggling. I'm still tugging along with my family being dragged behind. I do know that as long as I'm still moving I will eventually persevere. I will eventually come out of this bad dream and be able to help people that have struggled like I have. It may take weeks, months, or even years but I know I will keep moving along. 

Love your family, love your friends, and love your neighbors. Above all never judge someone or judge the severity of what they may be struggling with. It will probably be that one person that never saw it coming.