A profound letter to a grandfather

My grandfather died when I was two. He committed suicide. Before his passing he wrote a letter to me. This is my open letter to him. He often would leave letters around the house for his children and wife would find when he couldn't find the words. I guess my love for writing started with him.

This was written in 2016. It was only then that I was able to cope with what he had done.

We hold onto things. Even when we choose not to say it fragments of the past live on in our hearts.

Still, we continue… Hiding the deep dark secrets that seem almost impossible to get rid of ourselves. The regret, the anger, the sadness. These tormenting emotions that seems time could never heal.

I wonder if you thought about this on that day. I wonder everything about you on that day and even the days before.

I wonder how you were with the people you left behind. Counting down boxing matches, stories about your time in war, and all of the moments you left letters for them to find just so you could tell them you loved them.

I see pictures of you holding me up while smiling proudly that you have seen your child create a miracle. Did you think of me on that day? Did you think of them? Mostly I wonder what it felt like to be you. The pain, and loneliness you felt but didn’t show, hidden by your overwhelming love for your family.

I see the people around me and wonder if they have ever sensed such pain. Do they carry the same shadows as you did? I fear of the darkness you felt. I dread of witnessing another feel it…

Leaving a sting of regret to weave its way into others lives. I’ve watched the ones you have left behind mold themselves into people you would proudly call family. Not a day goes by that I don’t wish you could see that. Not a moment goes by that I don’t ponder what could have been.

The only memories I have of you are painted by the words of others. I can sense hints of you in all of the people whom I cherish most. I will carry that with me always. The future will know of you and know you by more than your dark passenger. I am not angry towards you and they shall not be. You will continue to live on in my heart as well as the hearts of your future generations.

There’s a darkness many of us encounter. Some fight it off with the courage from the ones they love, and some are even able to fight it in silence. I do not hold any bitterness towards you for what you did, and I will cherish every story where your memory lives on.

“I am doing what seems the best thing to do. You have given me the greatest possible happiness. You have been in every way all that anyone could be. I don’t think two people could have been happier till this terrible disease came. I can’t fight any longer.”-Virginia Woolf

Written by Ashley Shiflett