Are You a Thermostat or a Thermometer?

Every day of our lives, we face interactions with people that drive us crazy. When we lose control of our emotions, it’s hard to see how we could have found a way to calm ourselves down. When we get upset, shocked, surprised, anxious, or sad, we need to remind ourselves that we do have the power to not let our emotions get the best of us.

The first step in controlling emotions is recognizing when you get angry or withdrawn. This means you become a thermometer, checking your body, mind, and spirit for a change in emotions. The thermometer is important to see if you have a fever (angry) or have hypothermia (shutdown or withdrawn). This is an important step where you become aware of your emotions. The next step is to recognize you have the power to make a choice whether to control your reactions or not.

Once you realize that you have the power to control your emotions, you transition from a thermometer to a thermostat. The thermometer only tells you the temperature, but the thermostat controls how hot or cold the temperature is. When we become a thermostat, we use the power within us to not let others, or any external factors, dictate our character, spirit, mind or actions. It is hard to be a thermostat because it takes a lot of inner strength to not let bitter people, traffic, a late bus or train, crying babies, or an insensitive spouse or child make us lose our minds.

So what do you do when you get really hot or really cold—check your breathing. This is one immediate way to see how you are feeling. Our breathing is a simple way to do a self-check on our temperature. When we check our breathing, we are in tune with our bodies, making sure we are keeping ourselves balanced. Emotions do have an impact on our physicality, and if we do not check our bodies, this could lead to putting more unhealthy stress on our bodies than we need to.

Another step in becoming a thermostat, or controlling your feelings, is taking a pause and stepping back from the situation. This can be hard to do when we are involved in a heated argument and want to be heard. It’s also hard to do when our children are not moving fast enough to get ready for school in the morning and you have a meeting at work to get to. The objective in controlling your emotions is not engaging in battle, but being understood and listened to.

When yelling or shutting down occurs, people only hear the emotions and not your words. It is crucial to remember that when we are in a critical situation, the goal is to be listened to and not to have the loudest voice or having the last word. One of the worst feelings in the world is being misunderstood. If we take the time to stay calm and say our peace in a stern and firm voice, the other person has an opportunity to understand our point of view and listen to our concerns.

If we see ourselves getting angry or shutting down, we can also check our tone of voice and respond consciously. As the old saying goes, it’s not what you say, but how you say it. It’s important to be mindful and present in how we connect or approach others, so we do not push people away or appear defensive.

These steps can become habits once we have a desire to be better. As with anything, it takes time to see a change. You can decide to try one of the three steps: check breathing, pause and step back, or check tone of voice. Do you have issues with controlling your emotions, and what other steps do you recommend for controlling your emotions?