All That You Taught Me

“We stood

Steady as the stars in the woods

So happy-hearted

And the warmth rang true inside these bones

As the old pine fell we sang

Just to bless the morning” Ben Howard "Old Pine"

Ben Howard’s crooning voice echo's over me, as the candles dance in their jars-alight with the mischievous power of the element of Fire. It is a quiet night, a night for deep contemplation-time to look over all that I’ve learned in the past 12 months. There is a lot I could say of 2020, and if I follow the narrative, there is nothing good to speak of. I have always been a bit out of the box, so as the Winter Solstice comes I find myself in more of a state of gratitude and loving-than angry.

The year 2020 has pushed all of us in a way that we were not expecting, forcing us to either evolve or stay in cycles that were poisoning us. Not only on a collective level, but on a personal one as well. To let go of this year is to let go of the old world-the narrative that ultimately had to collapse if we ever want to ascend-stepping into something new and unknown.

I found myself almost having an existential crisis, trying to accept the pieces of me that I long denied, while trying to maintain the image of what I Should be. The good Christian girl, or the woman that realizes that spirituality is much much deeper than the powers that be want us to know-because once we understand how powerful we really are, we can no longer be enslaved.

This journey of 2020 became all about calling the pieces of me home-the parts of me left unhealed, tarnished and tattered. The mind patterns that kept me in toxic cycles, the ego that left me unwilling to hear other perspectives, the trauma that I've always pretended didn’t exist. It was in these challenges-that 2020 was by far my biggest year of growth, my biggest lesson of learning to let go.

I learned that it was okay for me to be different, to see the spirits and commune with them, that dreams were a deeper level into not just me, but sometimes other people too. In this, I also found a community of people on Youtube who investigate hauntings, and found that the experiences that made me feel crazy, may guide them or even encourage their path. For the first time ever, I found myself so thankful for the abilities I have, no matter how off the cuff they seem to be.

Reconciliation was a big theme for me, reckoning with my past and who I was, learning my boundaries with those around me, but most of all healing from what I once was. Calling that 20 year old girl who walked Gold Camp Road at night back to me, clearing and forgiving myself for the toxic patterns I had inflicted and chose to be around.

My best friend in the entire world, came home to me, after two years of us being separated, due to our own toxic cycles we had yet to heal. Being able to face people I have hurt and realizing that in hurting them, I have hurt myself the most.

Fear. The word echoes around us, cloaked into our DNA. Fight or flight mode-survive or die. 2020 taught me that fear is a reaction-courage is a choice. I wasn't afraid of Covid-19, or the lock downs, even losing my job. I wasn’t afraid of my whole life going to ashes, I was used to that. I was afraid of myself. I was afraid of who I was, who I could become. When you finally learn that you have the potential to be whomever you wish, the prospect of that is limitless. Do I wish to heal or harm? Grow or stay stagnant? What do I, Nicole Elizabeth, want to be?

2020 is the year of teaching. I was taught what my spirit thrives in and what it doesn’t. I made my way further into myself, finding within me a vast universe to be explored. Without 2020, none of this would have happened.

Ben Howard is still singing, the guitar soothing the tears that are now streaming down my face. I stop typing for just a moment, to pause-to feel, and if you're reading this pause to. Take a deep breath, look at the firelight, find one thing within the year 2020, that you are grateful for.

Hold it in your hands-the memory, the scent, the smells, whatever it is that you find sacred, place it on your heart. My dear ones, you survived. Do you realize that? If you are reading this, December 21, 2020 you are alive. You are breathing. You are here with me now in this space, as we hold each other, heartbeat to heartbeat.

I want to impart to you one thing-in times of trouble I found out how supported I was. Invisibly and visibly. Who was sitting in my front row, who was cheering me on-who was guiding me from above. As you read this, your part of that front row, my greatest joy is to say that I am your cheerleader now. You are a sacred creature, limitless in all that you wish to be, no longer are you held back by that which 2020 wished to inflict.

The Solstice beckons, calling us to close out what we no longer need and open to what is new. May you find all that you are, all that you wish to be and may your dreams come to fruition faster than you would have thought possible.

But most of all Friend,

We survived 2020 together.

We stand together as steady as the stars, as one.

That above all else is what I am so so grateful for.