A Post for Those Who Don't Know Where or Who They Are Yet

As cliché as it is, life is just one big what if. Everything happens for a reason—a quote I've always passed on situations, and an ex boyfriend who told me it was stupid made me realise even more so, that life pans out the way it's meant to.

Hitting the age of 20 puts a lot of things into perspective, people who you grew up with are now engaged and having kids, posting diamond rings and scan pics on their Insta. It feels awkward to even comment congratulations, even though for many years you spent a lot of time in each other's lives. What if we didn't drift apart? Would I be God mum? Or chief bridesmaid?

It doesn't really matter, because you aren't. There's a reason for that. Sometimes it'll become clear why, sometimes you'll never figure it out, and that's okay.

You kinda think by now you should have your life figured out, and you will always get that ''So what do you want to do when you get older?'' by "adults" who have no idea what else to say. But you are older, aren't you? Often followed by a, "Don't worry, I didn't find out what I wanted to do till I was 43'' when you say you're not sure.

I've had 1 job, 3 boyfriends, countless friends, good grades, bad grades. Does any of that determine who you are, like the world likes to make you think it does?

The one job started from a glass collector job, the boss was my boss, so it was a pretty easy land. I watched him spiral out due to debt and drinking, it didn't end well. Some called him selfish for leaving, but not many have been in that position to call it. I'm not sure if he's even out of the place he fell because we haven't spoken since it happened. That was almost 2 years ago. Since, another guy took over the place, and I've gone from glass collector to full time barmaid/waitress with my own personal license, and even a little sous chef, even though I can barely do a decent beans on toast.

What if I never got that opportunity? Would I be in a different job? What if I did and it'd be my dream job and I had my life set out at age 18? But it didn't pan out that way, I'm happy in my job which is something I know a lot of people my age can't say. I have great colleagues, customers, and can drink on the job. Easy money.

A lot of my friends, family, don't like the job they're in. They can't get their dream job because of experience, grades, accessibility, age, gender. Cliché, again, of the modern 2018 where everything mentioned is controversial and sparks worldwide debate. Although it won't seem fair to the majority, I strongly believe it will work out. You might not know where or what your dream job is, until you're in it. Be patient.

I've never really been single since the age of 15. My first boyfriend, who I was with for nearly 2 years, I did and learnt everything with. I thought then, that I would be with him for life. I had no idea that you could love someone in that way at such a young age. He was the funniest guy I've come to meet so far, but at the age of 15 there isn't really anything that important other than deciding which TV series to binge or which takeaway you're going to order from. As you grow up, you realise that everything you thought you first wanted, isn't always all that.

He ended up cheating, and doing drugs, I didn't wanna be involved with that anymore, I guess that was his way of growing up, and that's fine. He taught me a lot.

My next two relationships were short and sweet.

My guard was way up with everyone as I'd just encountered my first breakup, and it was dramatic. I wasn't willing to go through it all again for no good reason. But with this guy, I found it too easy to tell him all about me, and I enjoyed listening all about him. He genuinely felt like "home." We really loved each other. The problem was, we were too alike, which it turns out, isn't always a good thing. I've never stupidly argued with someone over nothing in my life, I genuinely just thought I was in love. The breakup was the worst, and it put me in the dark for a really long time. I didn't get out of it till I met my last boyfriend.

I decided to stop groveling and feeling sorry for myself whilst I still heard all sorts about my last ex, so I resorted to plan Z, Tinder. I knew this guy from years ago, he was my friends ex's friend. (Small world?) Completely not my "type," a bit older, but really intelligent and head strong, super charming, and hilarious. I really didn't mean to end up back in love but I did. We really did just have such a laugh, we talked about our futures, we had silly arguments, but I really thought he was "the one," there was something just different about him. It ended 4 days after we came back from the most amazing holiday, and he moved into his uni accommodation with his friends.

''Things just aren't the same'.'

Each time I came out of a relationship, I feel like I completely lose myself. It's super weird to think that someone you've spent months or even years with is kinda gone from your life in the way it once was. They know so much about you, they know your family, your dogs, your friends, and vice versa. I now have no idea what either of them are doing with their lives. It's a weird concept.

What if I'd of stayed with the first boyfriend? I wouldn't of met and learnt the things I did from other relationships, wouldn't of felt the things I did. What if I never downloaded Tinder, or if I kept my guard up so much it never started before it had chance to finish? With relationships the what ifs can really play on you. What if I didn't have that one argument with them, would we still be together? Maybe that was the breaking point?What if I looked like her? Maybe he wouldn't have cheated on me.

It's so easy to look back to when you was 15, realise how things were easier, as you hit 20 something, you realise how quick things really change. I am a completely different person now, from a year ago. 365 days is really not a long time however. I know a lot of people who last year, were single, out partying every night, are now posting photos of keys to their new home with their new boyfriend, and they're happy. I also know a lot of people who were in happy relationships, a good job etc., who are now single and in a different job, who are still happy.

Relationships, jobs, friends—They don't define you. You define you. You learn and you live, nobody can't teach you other than you. Another truism post put out there for the late 90s babies. Except its not a "20 things you never knew growing up" type of post. Everyone is in different situations which will round them into the person will be today.

It's fine to do you for a while.

You'll get that dream job, get over that breakup, find yourself and be truly and completely happy. It takes time.