What the Health

I have another doctor‘s appointment tomorrow. I’ve never had great luck with doctors, and a lovely family friend suggested I write everything out so I can communicate easier. I have trouble conveying the magnitude of my illness.

Women are sometimes viewed as being over dramatic or extremely anxious when they talk about their health. Sometimes I think I overcompensate, making it seem like I’m not as bad as I am. I just don’t want to be committed to a mental hospital. What’s the best way to say all this?

I’ve been mildly sick for about ten years now. On and off, kind of comes and goes with the seasons. But for the past ten months, I’ve been sick. Fully sick. There haven’t been more than 3 days where I didn’t have some type of vomiting or abdominal pain or other issues I won’t go into (I’m sure you can all imagine).

Is it trauma related or stress related? Absolutely! Very trauma related, and stress makes it worse for sure. That being said, my life is fantastic right now. I have an amazing husband. Two cute pets to cuddle. An adorable (although tiny) apartment. A job that I enjoy, and that pays me enough to cover my bills (except medical, but who can afford that?). I only work 30 hours a week, since my body can’t handle much more than that. The only stressors in my life? Trump, capitalism, patriarchy, oppressive systems, and my health. Those are the things that make my stomach feel worse than it is. I know that I have days like that, but for the most part, I have my shit under control.

A good day for me looks something like this, if I have to work:

I wake up early. It’s usually around 4, five or take an hour every once in a while. I either sit on the toilet for a while (sorry) or throw up, depending on the week. When that’s done, I go back to bed. It hurts to lay down, so I stack up some pillows. Generally, my stomach/abdomen (what’s the difference?) hurts too much to go back to sleep after that. Sometimes I can, though.

If I’m feeling motivated (this has only happened about 5 times), I’ll get up and do yoga. That’s only on the days it REALLY hurts; that’s one thing that always relieves it at least a little bit. Yoga with Adriene on YouTube has been a GODSEND on my healing journey.

If I don’t do yoga, I’ll get in the shower for about 10 minutes. That pretty much takes it out of me. I sit for a while while I do make makeup, put on deodorant, feed the pets, whatever else I do in the mornings. Generally, I’m in too much pain to eat, but lately I’ve been trying my hardest to eat anyways.

Oh, yeah. Sometime in the last 10 months, I accidentally developed an eating disorder. It turns out, throwing up most of your meals makes you scared to eat a lot of the time. I do have a little more control over that, so I’m working on it. I have an app and everything.

I usually drink tea (I held onto coffee as long as i could), which also helps. Food as medicine used to work, but lately it hasn’t been helpful. I told my husband that I don’t know how many more days I can go before I’ll end up passing out at work because I don’t have enough in my belly. I don’t know how many more days I can wake up and tell myself, “Okay! Let’s act normal for seven hours, you can feel your pain later!”

Why am I still sick? Ugh, what a complicated question. I just haven’t been able to get the right diagnosis, and I don’t have a doctor for my stomach that’s known me for long enough. I’ve been to Mayo Clinic, but had to leave because my insurance wouldn’t cover it. I’ll get the tests I need soon. I’m on new, better insurance. I have a GI doctor at the University of Virginia that will be able to take care of me. I know I’ll be diagnosed and treated in time; I’m getting discouraged and tired. So, so tired.

I couldn’t even begin to explain the impact it has on me. I would describe it as a dynamic disability, meaning it changed how much it impacts me. Some days, I’m okay. Some days, I can’t leave my house.

I’m strong. I can handle this. I’m going to need to lean more and more on my supports, which is always hard for me. I’m stubborn and I worry that I’m annoying my them if I tell them everything that’s going on. It’s kind of a lot, and most of them don’t really have my history, so it’s often a lot of initial explanation. But I’m getting better at communicating, better at asking for help and accommodations when I need it.

xox